Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Breaking News: Courtney Love to Star in Amy Winehouse Biopic

Fresh off of 2010's barn-burner Straight to Hell Returns (Written by a guy named Dick Rude. Seriously.), Courtney Love has been confirmed for the lead in a too-soon biopic of Amy Winehouse. According to producers, their goal is to "present Amy's story in a respectful, yet honest manner." And what says respectful more than Courtney Love?

 There's class, and then there's Courtney.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

George Takei Calls for "Star Peace" Between Star Trek and Star Wars Fans; Doesn't Go So Well

In an impassioned speech on YouTube, George Takei has thrown down the gauntlet. He's tired of the bickering between Trekkies and Star Wars nerds (They don't get their own, special name), and he's not shying away from calling out Carrie Fisher and The Shat himself. In the video, he says there is a bigger, more immediate foe that needs the combined efforts of both sides in order to make a difference. Watch:

That's right: Twilight.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Boy Not Enamored With "A Christmas Story" Like His Parents Are

When TBS airs 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" every year, it usually brings good tidings of comfort and joy to the Turtlewood family. It's been a yearly tradition for them to don their gay apparel, eat heartily, and watch Ralphie quest for his ultimate present at least five times before letting their son open his own. Unfortunately, young Tom doesn't share his parent's appreciation for the beloved holiday classic and hopes to start a new tradition. One that doesn't involve watching what he thinks is a shitty old movie over and over again before claiming his Christmas loot.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

GPSerious: Tebow And Divine Intervention Power Bronco's Win Streak

The so called experts seem to have no answer as to how the Denver Broncos stay victorious with a quarterback with such "limited" skills behind center, but yet the team keeps on winning in miraculous fashion. Tebow wears his religious faith on his sleeve for all to see, and at this point in their six game win streak, it's hard to argue that there isn't some sort of divine intervention taking place on the field. Tebow is one of the most polarizing figures in all of sports and........oh shit......this isn't a sports blog. Sorry about that. Let's talk about some movie quarterbacks who kick more ass than Tebow.

GPSerious: The Human Condition vs. A Human's Condition: The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser & Bad Boy Bubby

I've long been a fan of Werner Herzog's The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser. I have it on DVD, and it's part of a boxed set that I've had for years now. If you don't own the set, I recommend picking it up. Herzog is one of the most fascinating and unique directors out there. But the reason I'm talking about any of this is because I recently watched a film that brought up similar themes to Kasper Hauser. Bad Boy Bubby, a 1993 Australian film by Rolf de Heer (I've never heard of him or anything else he's done), is a depraved, twisted tale, but that depravity ultimately keeps it from bettering or even equaling what Herzog did with Kaspar Hauser.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Jason Segel And Miss Piggy Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

It was always Jason Segel's dream to work with the muppets on film, but now he's apparently taken his love for the popular characters a little too far. He wrote and starred in this years reboot of "The Muppets," but the critics who gave that movie universal acclaim may not be so smitten with his unofficial sequel. A recording of the actor and comedian having sex with Miss Piggy has been leaked to the internet, and the executives at Disney are none too happy about the public relations nightmare that has ensued in the aftermath.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Daniel Day-Lewis Takes Method Acting Too Far, Gives Speech to Commemorate Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation

Daniel Day-Lewis is set to play Abraham Lincoln in the upcoming Steven Spielberg drama, Lincoln. If you're aware of the actor's method preparation for getting into the head of his characters, it might come as no surprise that playing the 16th President of the United States has caused him to go a bit insane. Although he's a month early, Day-Lewis gave a speech earlier today to commemorate the 149th anniversary of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation, the executive order that freed almost 4 million slaves during the Civil War.

Spurred On by Box Office Numbers, Immortal Twilight Perfume Starts Marketing Campaign

"Immortal is defined as everlasting, never to be forgotten and having perpetual life. From the eternal life of a vampire to the eternal love between soul mates, Immortal Twilight is the personification of undying romance."

Those are the words on the official Twilight Beauty website, which goes on to say how the film's "essence of breathless romance" has a quality that "only a scent can fully emulate." The PR company behind the perfume's marketing campaign has hit the ground running as news spread that Breaking Dawn surpassed $500 million in worldwide box office numbers in just 12 days. They're buying up commercial slots all over the place, and the first ad will start running over the weekend. Fortunately for all of you, GPS was allowed a sneak peak at how at least some of it will look.


Monday, November 28, 2011


Twas an hour before midnight at my local Best Buy
my belly was stuffed from too much turkey and pie
lines formed around the block, but I actually didn't care
because I knew what I wanted would surely be there

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Vin Diesel Announces Not So Fast, but Still Furious for 2013 Release

Fast Five grossed $626 million on a $125 million budget. With that in mind, it comes as no surprise that a sixth installment is already in the works, and Vin Diesel sat down with GPS to discuss the plot, characters, and release date for what's now known as Not So Fast, but Still Furious.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

GPSerious: So Much To Do, So Little Time

While listening to a podcast recently, I was actually quite shocked to learn that Anthony Hopkins was only on screen for about sixteen minutes during "Silence of the Lambs." It's pretty remarkable if you stop and think about it. In that span he was able to horrify audiences, create an icon, and nab an Oscar for best actor. Immediately I tried to think of other actors who stuck out in movies despite having a limited screen time.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Studios Finally Tell Adam Sandler NO!

Adam Sandler's latest film "Jack and Jill" is swiftly tumbling down the box office hill, and that's bad news for Happy Madison productions. The funnyman has been eager to get to work on another creation of comedic brilliance, but is having trouble finding a studio willing to distribute his next project. So far there have been zero takers for his latest script "Flippy Crapwell: Toilet Repairman," and GPS decided to find out how far the comedian's stock has fallen in Tinseltown.

Friday, November 18, 2011

GPSerious: Actual Twilight Cast vs. Twilight Cosplayers (Which Team Will Win?)

As I sat down to shit on the latest Twilight movie, something occurred to me. I asked myself, "Self, what's even worse than images like the one above?" To which my...self replied, "Self, someone who's not famous recreating stupid shit like the image above." And thus, this post took shape. I'm going to pit the real deal against their understudy doppelgangers and see who comes out victorious in a picture battle. What does victory mean in a bout such as this? It means regardless of who wins, neither camp can show their face in polite society again. It's a win for everyone, including me.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Cameron Says Titanic Will Feel Even Longer In 3-D And Boat Won't Sink This Time

After "Avatar" became the all time box office champ and vaulted the popularity of 3-D to new heights, James Cameron is now hoping the iceberg of good fortune will strike "Titanic" for a second time. During the past couple of years, Cameron and his team have been busy retooling the blockbuster for a 3-D theatrical run. But will being all prettied up in the third dimension be enough to entice audiences back to the multiplexes? GPS was lucky enough to spend some quality time with Cameron and learn more about the upcoming re-release.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Happy Birthday Ennio Morricone

Happy 83 years of musical brilliance! This is his score from one of my all time favorite spaghetti westerns "Companeros" enjoy!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

In Light of Oscars® Controversy, 3-way Deal Reached Between Brett Ratner, Eddie Murphy, and Academy Members

It's been an exciting news day here at GPS, what with all the Oscars® shenanigans taking place. Personally, I haven't been this amazed since U2 won Best Original Song during the 2003 Golden Globes®. So, basically, Academy President Tom Sherak has struck a deal with Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy. Neither of them will be part of the Oscar® telecast in any official capacity, but I think the solution is something everyone can live with.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

GPSerious: I Wish I Was Bound with Jennifer Tilly.

Remember when the Wachowskis were still awesome? Well, before The Matrix made them officially awesome, they directed a little movie called Bound. It stars Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon, and Joe Pantoliano, and it's a sexy noir thriller about two lesbian lovers who decide to fuck the mob out of 2 million dollars.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Inspires New Nation Sweeping Social Fad

For some strange reason, Steven Spielberg recently admitted that it was his idea in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" to nuke the fridge. "I'm proud of that," says the director. "I'm glad I was able to bring that into popular culture." He's done that and a whole lot more now. In the wake of Spielberg's bold brave confession about one of cinema's most hated scenes ever, fans are saluting him with a crazy new social fad that has been sweeping the nation. You may have heard of planking and owling, but now you can add NUKING to the list.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

After 34 Minutes In, Blogger Realizes There's Still 2 Hours To Go In Transformers 3

It took about thirty four minutes. That breaks down to two thousand forty seconds. Every now and then, I'm in the mood to watch Bay porn, but the Gods of incoherent robot smashing action did not favor him on this day. After what felt like an eternity, I checked the counter to see how much longer I had to endure the antics of Sam Witwicky and his comical sidekick auto-bots. I was in shock to learn there was still two hours to go. Two hours breaks down to one hundred twenty minutes. That breaks down to seven thousand two hundred seconds. After considering masturbating with a cheese grater which is slightly amusing but basically painful, I decided to let the film run and see how much more productive I could be with those two hours.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Breaking News: Shia LaBeouf Cast as John McClane Jr in A Good Day to Die Hard

As of 2:43pm MDT, it was reported that the role of John McClane Jr in the next Die Hard movie was down to four actors. However, in a totally unexpected turn of events, GPS has learned that it has been given to Shia LaBeouf, that kid who overturned his car and got stomped in the face while in a drunken stupor.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Movie Blog Finds No New Dark Knight News to Report, Posts Grocery List Instead

Since hearing that "The Dark Knight Rises" production has moved to New York to shoot a fight scene, GPS has been scouring the web for any new tidbits of information to satiate the spoiler loving fans who must know everything about the epic production. We got nothing......zip......nada. It's been a slow start to the news week in the blogosphere what can we say? Truly disappointing I know, but Phobos and I were still able to write up a little something to pass the time. We realize that movie blogging often contains lists of various sorts, so here is our list of the the Top 7 Things We Need from the Grocery Store This Week.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Terrence Malick's Untitled Romantic Drama Starring Ben Affleck is Really About Orbiting Planets and Shit.

If you thought Terrence Malick was correct when he fell asleep at his own screening for Tree of Life, man...wait 'til you get a load of his Untitled Romantic Drama "starring" Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams. I use quotes there because, as it turns out, only 40 minutes of the film's purported 183-minute runtime will be focused on actual people. The rest will make use of longing stares at revolving planets and nucleotides as they form the beginnings of intelligent life. The twist comes at the end, when everything in the known universe is dumped out of a colossal anus.

GPScorsese 2

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Occupy Protesters Set Up Camp At Skywalker Ranch

The Occupy protest movement that has been making headlines all over the country has now shown up at the doorstep of Skywalker Ranch, and the political "force" is with them. George Lucas is none too happy to be dealing with the makeshift tent city he now finds on his lawn, and the bearded one is baffled as to why these rebels have targeted him where he lives. When word broke, we at GPS immediately packed our camping gear and headed to the ranch in Marin County California to be there as the story unfolded.

On Heels of Anonymous, Steven Spielberg Speaks: "Roland Emmerich Did Not Direct Stargate."

Only a few days after Roland Emmerich's latest film, Anonymous, opened in theaters, another well-known Hollywood director came out of the shadows and dropped a bombshell on us all. Steven Spielberg sat down with GPS and set the record straight on what was thought to be Emmerich's best film, Stargate. "Roland Emmerich did not direct Stargate," Spielberg told us. "I did."


Monday, October 31, 2011

Mark Ruffalo To Portray Ang Lee's Version Of Hulk In The Avengers

 Anticipation is high for Joss Whedon's super hero mash up "The Avengers," but Incredible Hulk fans were only given a brief tease of the jolly green giant at the end of the trailer. Two unique versions of the gamma powered goliath have appeared onscreen, and geeks are getting curious about which version Mark Ruffalo will be playing. Will it be Ang Lee's much vilified take or the rebooted version starring Ed Norton? Ruffalo spent a little quality time with GPS recently and gave us the answers inquiring minds want to know!


Friday, October 28, 2011

Jessica Simpson Addresses Toilet Tweet And Bloated Belly

In today's world of the celebrity obsessed, is it even possible to be given too much information? That's exactly what Jessica Simpson has been accused of as media hounds everywhere are blasting her this week for tweeting while on the toilet. The 30 year old singer posted a twitter pic and told her four million plus followers that she was having, "short girl problems" while sitting sans shoes on a swanky department store commode. The Simpson camp is flustered enough by constant pregnancy queries from the media circus regarding their starlets ever growing belly, and the turd-a-licious tweet just adds to an ever growing shit-storm of bad publicity. Now the question we at GPS have isn't why she toilet tweeted, but rather who the hell took the infamous photo anyways? It's up to our crackerjack staff of interns to dip into their well of bribes and sexual favors to uncover even more unnecessary intel.

GPSerious: They Came Back (2004)

For those of you who appreciate and laugh at my humorous articles, I do thank you. I can usually find something to laugh at with any movie, no matter how serious it takes itself. They Came Back is an exception to that rule. I find nothing remotely funny about the premise or execution of this movie, and what I'm about to write will reflect that. If you'd rather see me shit on a bad horror movie, go read this. On the other hand, if you'd like to read about why They Came Back scares me more than any film by Romero, Kubrick, or Craven ever could, then this is probably the review for you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Currently Obsessed With: Attack The Block (2011)

I've been hyped about this one for quite some time. Back in June, I arrived over an hour early to a special screening and still couldn't get in to see it. I tried renting it from my local Blockbuster and every copy was checked out when the DVD was released this week. Even a good majority of local Best Buys were completely sold out. The situation was getting crump. Find out the definition of crump from our good friend Scott at Front Room Cinema who was kind enough to break down some of the various slang our heroes use in the film. On my last hail-mary attempt, I was able to find a copy for purchase. I immediately headed home to cotch down and check it on my flatscreen. The invasion was well worth the wait!

Elm Street Teen Thought Dead Found Alive 27 Years Later.

Up until early this morning, everyone, including authorities, thought Glen Lantz was dead. For the past week, Springwood, Ohio detectives have been conducting DNA tests on exhumed remains in an attempt to solve logbook discrepancies of a handful of grizzly 1984 murders.

GPShinya Tsukamoto

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Nude Photo Shoot Goes Horribly Wrong; Playboy Ditches Pictures.

When we at GPS heard the news that Lindsay Lohan was going to pose naked for Playboy, we had to reach out to the magazine giant and ask someone there if they'd actually seen Lohan in the past five years. While a rep for the magazine did eventually get back to us, they didn't seem to understand the question. "What are you talking about?" The rep asked. "The actress from Mean Girls? She's gorgeous. I'm not wasting any more time on this call."


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jonathan Lipnicki to Direct Jerry Maguire Sequel.

Do you remember that spikey-haired kid from Jerry Maguire? As it turns out, that guy is still alive, and he's gearing up for his directorial debut in Jerry Maguire: The Later Years. The actor-turned-director recently turned 21, and he celebrated in style by taking his birthday bash to Las Vegas. GPS caught up with the birthday boy as he drank like 10 shots of Jager.

GPStreetfighter: MarkusWelby VS. Terrence Malick


The Help: One Sentence Review

You could let this Jim Crow era tale pass you by, but you'd miss seeing an evil character eat a slice of shit pie.

Kim Kardashian to Star in Biopic of Fat, Ugly Prostitute.

Kim Kardashian has apparently caught the acting bug. The web has been on fire ever since news spread that she'll be starring in Tyler Perry's next hilarious comedy, The Marriage Counselor. GPS was able to sit down with the star of Kim Kardashian, Superstar, the lame porno where she just sits there a lot and does nothing, in order to get a better idea of what inspired her to pursue more interesting roles.

Monday, October 24, 2011

GPSaturday: A Trip to the Movies, and A Lot of Van Dammage.

This past Saturday, Markus and I decided to take a day off from yelling at interns - this time for forgetting to order the Indiana Jones Holy Grail replica paperclip holder for our office - and go catch a flick at the dollar theater. The Elvis Cinemas chain has movies for the pretty awesome price of $2.50-3.00, so we said screw it and saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. What ensued afterward was a DVD store episode that had Morgan Freeman repeating the 12 steps to us in our heads while we dreamed of fighting Tong Po.

GPSerious: Trick Or Treat (1986)

It's that time of year folks. I keep seeing other sites listing their favorite horror films to watch as we get ever closer to Halloween, but not once did I see a recommend for the 1986 cult classic "Trick Or Treat." Just plain criminal. Please do not confuse this with the very well done but unfortunately mistitled 2007 "Trick R Treat."


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Army Of The 12 Monkeys Claim Responsibility For Ohio Animal Escape

Over fifty exotic animals were shot and killed after being unleashed onto the populace of Muskingum County Ohio, and authorities are still trying to piece the details of the puzzle together in the aftermath. GPS has learned from an anonymous source that wildlife preserve owner Terry Thompson was a member of the Army of the 12 Monkeys, and was under orders from maniacal leader Jeffrey Goines to set the dangerous animals free. Goines is a well known fanatical animal rights advocate, and his 12 Monkey propaganda has been found littered throughout Thompson's home. The former mental patient and 12 Monkey chief has been inactive for over a decade now, but evidence of his re emergence is mounting. He's been seen in media photos hiding in plain sight with Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz, and 12 Monkey graffiti has been sighted in multiple Ohio locations.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

GPSerious: The Films of Michael Ritchie, Rnd 1: The Golden Child

The more cultured of you out there will have to pardon my ignorance. Only after finally looking up who directed The Golden Child have my eyes been opened to a man named Michael Richie (No, not Guy Ritchie. No, not Michael Richards, either.). As soon as I saw that he directed both The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears, I was instantly compelled to throw every movie of his onto my Blockbuster queue. Yes, Blockbuster. Netflix has zero - count them - zero of the ones I wanted on Instant. Anyways, I have a plan. The plan is to go through the whole Michael Ritchie catalog. I already know The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears by heart, but there are so many more wonders I'm sure to encounter. In short: Fuck yea! Right, so here's the part where I tell you how awesome The Golden Child is, as if you didn't already know.

Friday, October 21, 2011

John Gulager's Next Horror Movie Revealed: Marathon Man.

In late 2012, Dimension Films will be releasing Marathon Man, a horror movie unlike any we at GPS have ever seen before. Directed by John Gulager (Feast, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, Feast III: The Happy Finish, Pirahna 3DD), it will tell the tale of a psychotic marathon runner who gets his rocks off by doing two things: running and killing.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

GPSerious: My own collection.

Steps 11 & 12:

I pray, Morgan Freeman, that you continue to guide me and remind me to put away the stacks of like 30 movies I currently have sitting on my kitchen counter. Sorry about that. I also want everyone reading this to know that Morgan Freeman really does care about you and the horrible ways you put a movie down and forget to put it away later.

GPSerious: Are You A Movie Hoarder? GPS Is Here To Help!

I'm not quite as obsessed as I used to be, but after collecting DVDs and now Blu-rays for the past twelve years, I've amassed quite a huge stockpile of cine-wonderful entertainment. There's an unfortunate downside to being a rabid collector. On any given night, simply trying to find my copy of "The Lost Boys" was like venturing into the warehouse at the end of "Raiders." A daunting task that usually ends up with me cussing and suffering from "Two Corey" withdrawal symptoms. Oh the insanity!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Breaking News: John Carpenter is Still Alive.

I was minding my own business this morning when someone bumped into me in the street. He almost spilled my frappuccino vanilla bullshit, so I was about to punch him in his stupid face. Then I saw who's face it actually was. As it turns out, it was John Carpenter, who is still alive.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Test Screening For Live Action "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" Goes Horribly Wrong

It was all trick and no treat that's angered parents about the live action version of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" during a recent test screening. The beloved kids classic has been changed into a horror story for contemporary audiences, but the filmmakers never tipped their hand about the tonal shift. The story of Peanut gang members Linus and Sally awaiting the arrival of the Great Pumpkin on Halloween eve remains the same, but in this version, the titular spirit will be dealing out death instead of candy. The family demographic was targeted as several hundred invitations were mailed out, but the parents and children who showed up were completely terrified about what they saw unfolding on the silver screen after the lights dimmed in the theater.

GPSerious: Birthdays - October 18th

Oh, man. I don't know who to feature this time, since three awesome people have birthdays today. Screw it, they're all getting the nod.

Most worthy for October 18th:

Jean-Claude Van Damme (51)

George C. Scott (would be 84)

Klaus Kinski (would be 85)