Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hilary Swank To Portray Justin Bieber In New Biopic

It only took eighteen years plus a few pubic hairs, but the epic story of teeny-bopper singing sensation Justin Bieber is finally getting the grand Hollywood treatment. It has recently been revealed that two time Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank will portray Bieber in "Million Dollar Bieber." Swank is eager to try her luck again after her first biopic about pilot Amelia Earhart crashed and burned at the box office. Internet rumors have long suspected that Swank and Bieber are actually the same person so it's no surprise that the talented actress nabbed the much coveted role from the large pool of thespians vying for it. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Behold My (Apparently) First Review - House of the Dead

I know I've been AWOL for a while, but I just got engaged, and a couple other things have been more pressing as of late. I want to rectify that, and what with all the talk about people's first posts, I figured this would be a funny way to get back into the groove.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Walking Dead Character To Get Spin-Off Series

The season two finale for AMC's "The Walking Dead" was the most watched basic cable drama telecast in history no thanks to T-Dog. In a bold network move, the unpopular character will be getting his own spin-off show next year titled "The Inconsequential Dead." Fans of the series might be scratching their heads as to why the powers that be would choose to focus the new show around a guy who mostly stands around and only occasionally gets in on the zombie mayhem, but executives insist that this is the right move going forward. "Killing the token black guy would be a far too easy and predictable way to get rid his worthless character," said one AMC exec. "By showcasing T-Dog's unique ability to do nothing in The Inconsequential Dead, we'll most likely be able to just cancel him away after a few episodes."

Thursday, March 15, 2012

What Was Your First Blog Post?

I'm in the mood for something a little different this week, and I've decided to put my usual smart ass shenanigans aside.............for now. I'm curious to know what was the first thing you ever posted to the blogosphere? Whether it was an oh so serious critique of the latest art house film or a list of your favorite flicks starring Steve Guttenberg, you had to start somewhere. I liken my first post to the wall of shame every adult person dreads their friends and significant others seeing. You know what I'm talking about. The wall at your parents house adorned with photographic evidence of just how awkward and dorky looking you were growing up. Bad haircuts, missing teeth, and questionable fashion are front and center on the wall of shame.

Monday, March 12, 2012

John Carter: One Sentence Review

A $250 million dollar budget sure seems nice, but it would have been better spent providing starving kids with education, clothes, and rice.

250 million buys lots of rice

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

George Lucas Challenges John Carter Director To Boxing Match For Geek Franchise Supremacy

The marketing gurus at Walt Disney Pictures have really been trying to hammer home the idea that sci-fi films like "Star Wars" and "Avatar" owe a debt of gratitude to the upcoming "John Carter" for their success. Edgar Rice Burrough's classic tale of an earthling hero transported to Mars is believed to have been the well of inspiration that many genre creators have drawn upon for their ideas. IGN contributor Jesse Scheedeen has even stated in a recent online article that, "Without John Carter There Would Be No Star Wars." A bold statement that doesn't sit well with Mr. George Lucas, and now the bearded one is literally ready to put up his dukes and defend the universe he's created. Lucas has openly challenged John Carter director Andrew Stanton to a boxing match that will settle the score and determine which geek franchise reigns supreme.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Angelina Jolie's Leg Expected To Be Most Popular Halloween Costume In 2012

In the past few years, we've grown accustomed to seeing the same ole same ole when it comes to costumes. Pirates walking the plank, the undead walking the earth, and vampires that glitter in the daylight have been walking the streets on All Hallow's Eve. Thanks to Angelina Jolie, there will apparently be more posing going on than walking when it's time for trick or treat this year. She's got leg, and she knows how to use it. After strutting her stuff at the Academy Awards, Jolie's leg has become the most popular human appendage in history. Now Halloween aficionados everywhere are clamoring to be the first one at the party to show up as Angelina's leg, but costume stores are struggling to meet the recent high demand for her extremely erotic extension.