Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Peter Jackson Rejects Sean Astin Cameo Idea For Final Hobbit Film

Smaug the dragon has set the box office on fire with Peter Jackson's latest visit to Middle Earth, but one former Hobbit isn't too happy with what's in store for the next installment of the prequel trilogy. It was  reported that Sean Astin (AKA Samwise Gamgee) was shot down by Jackson when he requested that his fat Hobbit character make an appearance in the last film to help the actor promote his soon to be released autobiography "There and fat again."

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Why Carrie Needed A Modern Makeover

     There is little dispute that the 1976 film adaptation of Stephen King's Carrie is considered a horror classic, but the tale of a misfit telekinetic teen lashing back against her oppressors desperately needed the makeover treatment. Nothing against Brian De Palma and his beloved split diopter techniques, but some horrible 70's porn musical cues, a cast of "teens" who were almost in their thirties, and the lack of technology to properly showcase the wrath of Carrie's power bring my enjoyment level down a bit these days. Even though Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie are still rock solid as the dysfunctional mother daughter duo, Carrie is so very....dated.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Cauc-Asian Film Nerd Expresses Outrage Towards Spike Lee's Oldboy Trailer

Even though he knew it was inevitable, a Cauc-Asian film nerd hasn't stopped expressing his outrage towards the Spike Lee remake of the beloved Korean classic Oldboy. Originally based on a Japanese comic book, Oldboy is a good old fashioned tale of bloody revenge that premiered its first trailer recently across the web. The Cauc-Asian considers this to be nothing short of blasphemy. "First of all, it's based on a Manga not a comic book," said the angry Cauc-Asian. "Secondly, in Spike Lee's hands the story will just end up being more of a white devil conspiracy thriller rather than a revenge tale! Myself along with many other Cauc-Asian film nerds are firmly taking a stand against tarnishing the legacy of a true cinematic treasure!" We'll just have to see how it all plays out when Spike Lee's Oldboy hits theaters, but in the meantime, here is the controversial trailer in all its redband glory.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Congress Stipulates World War Z Merely A Conflict Not A War

The zombie apocalypse may be nigh, but for now, the U.S. Congress is refusing to make an official declaration of war. A quick search using the ever reliable Wikipedia finds that Congress has not declared war since WWII. Even though a viral pandemic may reduce the world's people to mindless cannibal monsters in a matter of days, the powers that be have only labeled the situation a conflict thus far. But what does this mean for those who are engaging the undead in combat at ground zero?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

President Foxx's Approval Ratings Reach An Eight Year Low

The White House may be coming down on June 28th, but President Foxx's approval ratings will have already reached an eight year low by the time the action crap-fest hits theater screens. The Commander-in-chief started his elite Hollywood administration with great promise after nabbing the Academy Award for best actor, but could never quite deliver on his promise of "change." During his two terms, he has consistently been mired in controversy and questionable acting choices that have left the country dumbfounded. But where did such a promising career start to go downhill?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Dr. Drew Pinsky Arrested After Supervised Cold Turkey Rehab Goes Horribly Wrong

Drew Pinsky has become famous for helping people from all wakes of life deal with crippling addictions, but even the good doctor can make a mistake from time to time. In an attempt to help a young woman deal with a heroin problem, Dr. Drew decided to supervise a cold turkey weekend rehab from a cabin isolated in the woods far from civilization. Pinsky maintains that he had only the best of intentions for his patient, but by the end of the weekend, four of her friends were dead and she is shy one hand.

Friday, January 25, 2013

J.J. Abrams Reveals Intentions To Take Over Every Film Franchise In The World

Even though fanboys are still catching their collective geeky breath over the news that J.J. Abrams will be directing Star Wars: Episode VII, the typically secretive filmmaker has dropped another bomb at a recent press conference where he revealed his intentions to take over every film franchise in the world. Apparently, being given the keys to two of the most popular sci-fi film licenses ever just wasn't enough for the wunderkind director. "Getting Star Wars was certainly a major coup, and I'm excited to be able to give it the flare that it deserves," said Abrams. "I just feel that unless a production is a Bad Robot production, it's simply not a worthwhile production. My intentions are to add maximum flare to every film franchise that currently exists, and Bad Robot must take over on a global scale to be able to do that! As you can see we've aggressively revamped the company logo and are ready to go so WHO'S WITH ME!?" A clearly stunned collection of journalists could only sit with their mouths agape as Abrams continued on.