Monday, October 31, 2011

Mark Ruffalo To Portray Ang Lee's Version Of Hulk In The Avengers

 Anticipation is high for Joss Whedon's super hero mash up "The Avengers," but Incredible Hulk fans were only given a brief tease of the jolly green giant at the end of the trailer. Two unique versions of the gamma powered goliath have appeared onscreen, and geeks are getting curious about which version Mark Ruffalo will be playing. Will it be Ang Lee's much vilified take or the rebooted version starring Ed Norton? Ruffalo spent a little quality time with GPS recently and gave us the answers inquiring minds want to know!


Friday, October 28, 2011

Jessica Simpson Addresses Toilet Tweet And Bloated Belly

In today's world of the celebrity obsessed, is it even possible to be given too much information? That's exactly what Jessica Simpson has been accused of as media hounds everywhere are blasting her this week for tweeting while on the toilet. The 30 year old singer posted a twitter pic and told her four million plus followers that she was having, "short girl problems" while sitting sans shoes on a swanky department store commode. The Simpson camp is flustered enough by constant pregnancy queries from the media circus regarding their starlets ever growing belly, and the turd-a-licious tweet just adds to an ever growing shit-storm of bad publicity. Now the question we at GPS have isn't why she toilet tweeted, but rather who the hell took the infamous photo anyways? It's up to our crackerjack staff of interns to dip into their well of bribes and sexual favors to uncover even more unnecessary intel.

GPSerious: They Came Back (2004)

For those of you who appreciate and laugh at my humorous articles, I do thank you. I can usually find something to laugh at with any movie, no matter how serious it takes itself. They Came Back is an exception to that rule. I find nothing remotely funny about the premise or execution of this movie, and what I'm about to write will reflect that. If you'd rather see me shit on a bad horror movie, go read this. On the other hand, if you'd like to read about why They Came Back scares me more than any film by Romero, Kubrick, or Craven ever could, then this is probably the review for you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Currently Obsessed With: Attack The Block (2011)

I've been hyped about this one for quite some time. Back in June, I arrived over an hour early to a special screening and still couldn't get in to see it. I tried renting it from my local Blockbuster and every copy was checked out when the DVD was released this week. Even a good majority of local Best Buys were completely sold out. The situation was getting crump. Find out the definition of crump from our good friend Scott at Front Room Cinema who was kind enough to break down some of the various slang our heroes use in the film. On my last hail-mary attempt, I was able to find a copy for purchase. I immediately headed home to cotch down and check it on my flatscreen. The invasion was well worth the wait!

Elm Street Teen Thought Dead Found Alive 27 Years Later.

Up until early this morning, everyone, including authorities, thought Glen Lantz was dead. For the past week, Springwood, Ohio detectives have been conducting DNA tests on exhumed remains in an attempt to solve logbook discrepancies of a handful of grizzly 1984 murders.

GPShinya Tsukamoto

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Nude Photo Shoot Goes Horribly Wrong; Playboy Ditches Pictures.

When we at GPS heard the news that Lindsay Lohan was going to pose naked for Playboy, we had to reach out to the magazine giant and ask someone there if they'd actually seen Lohan in the past five years. While a rep for the magazine did eventually get back to us, they didn't seem to understand the question. "What are you talking about?" The rep asked. "The actress from Mean Girls? She's gorgeous. I'm not wasting any more time on this call."


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jonathan Lipnicki to Direct Jerry Maguire Sequel.

Do you remember that spikey-haired kid from Jerry Maguire? As it turns out, that guy is still alive, and he's gearing up for his directorial debut in Jerry Maguire: The Later Years. The actor-turned-director recently turned 21, and he celebrated in style by taking his birthday bash to Las Vegas. GPS caught up with the birthday boy as he drank like 10 shots of Jager.

GPStreetfighter: MarkusWelby VS. Terrence Malick


The Help: One Sentence Review

You could let this Jim Crow era tale pass you by, but you'd miss seeing an evil character eat a slice of shit pie.

Kim Kardashian to Star in Biopic of Fat, Ugly Prostitute.

Kim Kardashian has apparently caught the acting bug. The web has been on fire ever since news spread that she'll be starring in Tyler Perry's next hilarious comedy, The Marriage Counselor. GPS was able to sit down with the star of Kim Kardashian, Superstar, the lame porno where she just sits there a lot and does nothing, in order to get a better idea of what inspired her to pursue more interesting roles.

Monday, October 24, 2011

GPSaturday: A Trip to the Movies, and A Lot of Van Dammage.

This past Saturday, Markus and I decided to take a day off from yelling at interns - this time for forgetting to order the Indiana Jones Holy Grail replica paperclip holder for our office - and go catch a flick at the dollar theater. The Elvis Cinemas chain has movies for the pretty awesome price of $2.50-3.00, so we said screw it and saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. What ensued afterward was a DVD store episode that had Morgan Freeman repeating the 12 steps to us in our heads while we dreamed of fighting Tong Po.

GPSerious: Trick Or Treat (1986)

It's that time of year folks. I keep seeing other sites listing their favorite horror films to watch as we get ever closer to Halloween, but not once did I see a recommend for the 1986 cult classic "Trick Or Treat." Just plain criminal. Please do not confuse this with the very well done but unfortunately mistitled 2007 "Trick R Treat."


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Army Of The 12 Monkeys Claim Responsibility For Ohio Animal Escape

Over fifty exotic animals were shot and killed after being unleashed onto the populace of Muskingum County Ohio, and authorities are still trying to piece the details of the puzzle together in the aftermath. GPS has learned from an anonymous source that wildlife preserve owner Terry Thompson was a member of the Army of the 12 Monkeys, and was under orders from maniacal leader Jeffrey Goines to set the dangerous animals free. Goines is a well known fanatical animal rights advocate, and his 12 Monkey propaganda has been found littered throughout Thompson's home. The former mental patient and 12 Monkey chief has been inactive for over a decade now, but evidence of his re emergence is mounting. He's been seen in media photos hiding in plain sight with Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz, and 12 Monkey graffiti has been sighted in multiple Ohio locations.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

GPSerious: The Films of Michael Ritchie, Rnd 1: The Golden Child

The more cultured of you out there will have to pardon my ignorance. Only after finally looking up who directed The Golden Child have my eyes been opened to a man named Michael Richie (No, not Guy Ritchie. No, not Michael Richards, either.). As soon as I saw that he directed both The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears, I was instantly compelled to throw every movie of his onto my Blockbuster queue. Yes, Blockbuster. Netflix has zero - count them - zero of the ones I wanted on Instant. Anyways, I have a plan. The plan is to go through the whole Michael Ritchie catalog. I already know The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears by heart, but there are so many more wonders I'm sure to encounter. In short: Fuck yea! Right, so here's the part where I tell you how awesome The Golden Child is, as if you didn't already know.

Friday, October 21, 2011

John Gulager's Next Horror Movie Revealed: Marathon Man.

In late 2012, Dimension Films will be releasing Marathon Man, a horror movie unlike any we at GPS have ever seen before. Directed by John Gulager (Feast, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, Feast III: The Happy Finish, Pirahna 3DD), it will tell the tale of a psychotic marathon runner who gets his rocks off by doing two things: running and killing.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

GPSerious: My own collection.

Steps 11 & 12:

I pray, Morgan Freeman, that you continue to guide me and remind me to put away the stacks of like 30 movies I currently have sitting on my kitchen counter. Sorry about that. I also want everyone reading this to know that Morgan Freeman really does care about you and the horrible ways you put a movie down and forget to put it away later.

GPSerious: Are You A Movie Hoarder? GPS Is Here To Help!

I'm not quite as obsessed as I used to be, but after collecting DVDs and now Blu-rays for the past twelve years, I've amassed quite a huge stockpile of cine-wonderful entertainment. There's an unfortunate downside to being a rabid collector. On any given night, simply trying to find my copy of "The Lost Boys" was like venturing into the warehouse at the end of "Raiders." A daunting task that usually ends up with me cussing and suffering from "Two Corey" withdrawal symptoms. Oh the insanity!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Breaking News: John Carpenter is Still Alive.

I was minding my own business this morning when someone bumped into me in the street. He almost spilled my frappuccino vanilla bullshit, so I was about to punch him in his stupid face. Then I saw who's face it actually was. As it turns out, it was John Carpenter, who is still alive.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Test Screening For Live Action "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" Goes Horribly Wrong

It was all trick and no treat that's angered parents about the live action version of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" during a recent test screening. The beloved kids classic has been changed into a horror story for contemporary audiences, but the filmmakers never tipped their hand about the tonal shift. The story of Peanut gang members Linus and Sally awaiting the arrival of the Great Pumpkin on Halloween eve remains the same, but in this version, the titular spirit will be dealing out death instead of candy. The family demographic was targeted as several hundred invitations were mailed out, but the parents and children who showed up were completely terrified about what they saw unfolding on the silver screen after the lights dimmed in the theater.

GPSerious: Birthdays - October 18th

Oh, man. I don't know who to feature this time, since three awesome people have birthdays today. Screw it, they're all getting the nod.

Most worthy for October 18th:

Jean-Claude Van Damme (51)

George C. Scott (would be 84)

Klaus Kinski (would be 85)

GPSerious: The Sexual Innuendo of Forbidden World.

I'm a fan of innuendo. Countless films use it to spice up the chemistry between leads, and when done well, it can excite you and make you want to see how a relationship pans out. And then there's Forbidden World, which was supposed to be some kind of Alien rip-off. It also uses innuendo, but it sounds more like dialogue from Forbidden World, Where People Fuck in Space. That movie has yet to be made, but I'm not beneath doing things for a paycheck. Hollywood agents, I hope you're reading.

James Wan "Really, Really Sorry" About All Those Saws.

Director James Wan may have been able to make a pretty great career for himself after helming the original Saw, but in an exclusive GPS interview, he comes to terms with the fact that he's responsible for overseeing six more iterations of the horror franchise. "I'm really, really sorry, you guys. I didn't plan ahead this far; I thought it would be a one-off deal," the horror maestro said when confronted with his own printed-out IMDB producer credits. Wan also added, "Look, if I'm going down for this, I'm not going alone. Go ask Eli Roth why he had to make Hostel, like, less than a year after I did Saw. I mean, c'mon. Talk about riding coat tails. Oh, and by the way, just because you have Edwige Fenech in your movie for ten seconds, it doesn't mean you just made a giallo. Sorry."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Paranormal Activity Re-releasing on Blu-ray with Literally Hours of Added Footage.

In Paranormal Activity, Micah Sloat couldn't stop filming everything in front of his douchebag face. As you might have guessed, there was a lot more footage than what was released in theaters, but the blu-ray and DVD have already been available for some time. Apparently, Paramount feels now is the right time to unload the newest blu-ray version of the film, entitled "Paranormal Activity: The Full Cut," onto somewhat-suspecting horror audiences across the country. New additions include a ten-minute-long scene where Micah brushes his teeth while flexing and the exciting drive home in rush-hour traffic after purchasing his new camera.

One Sentence Review -The Thing (2011)

All the CG in the world couldn't feed me a scare...and nothing beats the showdown between MacCready and Blair.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Zombie Filmmakers Brace For Witty Title Shortage

The positive reviews have been pouring in for the indy zombie flick "Juan of the Dead," and would be filmmakers are now scrambling to milk any remaining titles that pay homage to George Romero's classic "Dawn of the Dead" from the undead teat. "There's still some goodies floating around out there," one insider informed us. "The well of zombie title wit hasn't completely dried up yet!" We at GPS initially struggled to come up with our own clever Romero tribute titles, but found that there are indeed a few more lurking at the bottom of the brain barrel.

Currently Obsessed With: The Mimic Series

The original Mimic was Guillermo del Toro's first English-language movie. God bless that man. It's one of the best creature features around, and it's held up remarkably well in the fourteen years since it came out. The director's cut is out on Blu-ray, but I haven't picked it up yet. Don't worry, I plan to. I've been thinking about this series for the past three days or so, and I still can't get it out of my head. I just finished watching Mimic 2, and while it's the least in the series, there are definitely some things worth discussing. I already reviewed the third movie, so I'll only gloss over that one here. You know what? I seriously would not mind a fourth Mimic movie. Does that sound crazy to you? It might be, but if it was given to another unconventional director with an eye for suspense, it could be pretty sweet. As the series stands, it's a good bunch of horror movies, and each one has something different to offer the brave souls who crave giant cockroach action in their movie-watching diet.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Phoenix Jones Kicked Off Set of The Avengers for Assaulting Robert Downey Jr.

We reported on Tuesday that Seattle's best-known crime fighter, Phoenix Jones, was set to appear in Joss Whedon's The Avengers. Earlier this morning, however, Jones was seen being escorted from the Disney studio lot after getting into an altercation with Robert Downey Jr. He and Chris Hemsworth were in the middle of filming a fight scene when, out of nowhere, Jones came sprinting into frame, wildly shooting pepper spray all over the place.

3rd Time's a Charm - Mimic 3 Sentinel (2003)

When you think of the third entry in any horror series, what do you think of? A lot of the time, if a franchise makes it to that point, it's done so by dumbing-down the story and/or simply adding buckets of gore. Not so with Mimic 3 Sentinel. Directed by J.T. Petty, the movie is - get ready for this - Rear Window with giant cockroaches. Does that raise an eyebrow? It should.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Currently Obsessed With: Hannibal (2001)

How do you top a film that has taken its place in movie history as one of the all time greats and made it ok to love a cannibalistic serial killer at the same time? You don't. But what you can do is get a kick-ass director, take the story in a new direction, and throw Gary Oldman into the mix for shits and giggles. There's no way the follow up to "Silence of the Lambs" wouldn't crumble a little under the weight of tremendous expectations and disappoint a lot of people in the fan base. "Hannibal" was a box office success, but the critical reactions to it were extremely mixed with most viewers being turned off by the truly bizarre twists and turns the narrative takes. But not me. I love it when story tellers dare to be different. I love it that the good guys don't always win. But most of all, I love it when two great tastes like Ridley Scott and Anthony Hopkins can come together and make something oh so cinematically delicious like Hannibal. What makes this one of my favorite sequel soups ever made? Lets list the ingredients.

Charles S. Dutton Signs On to Die in Another Horror Movie.

I don't know who to blame here, but Charles S. Dutton, the guy who died in Alien 3, Mimic, and Legion has set himself up to get horrendously murdered by a giant monster yet again. Dutton was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman for the actor was able to clarify a few things for us. "Firstly," said Dom Derple, Dutton's agent,"I can't divulge the name of the film or who Mr. Dutton will be playing. All I can tell you is that he'll let your guard down with his honest portrayal of a flawed, yet lovable man you just know is going to get his guts ripped out by hideous claws and teeth."

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Avengers Trailer Premieres, Angry Mom Still Trying To Remove Stains From Geeky Son's Shat Pants

The trailer for Joss Whedon's hotly anticipated super hero epic "The Avengers" has finally appeared for comic book fans to gobble up online, but some folks weren't so happy about the geek-tastic spectacle. Susan Curdlethorp's teenage son Ben downloaded the trailer, shat his pants in delight, and threw his dirty tighty whiteys into the laundry hamper for her to clean later. Mrs. Curdlethorp is constantly having to stockpile underwear for her son anytime the geek world trembles with excitement, but is starting to grow weary of the arduous cleaning process involved in the aftermath. GPS has more on the Curdlethorps, and we've got the infamous pants-shitting trailer after the break!

Phoenix Jones to Appear in The Avengers; Gratuitous Pepper Spraying to Ensue.

As dawn approaches, so does the official trailer for Joss Whedon's upcoming superhero extravaganza, The Avengers. The public might think they know what to expect from the movie, but GPS was able to uncover a little tidbit that the mainstream press has yet to pick up on. Phoenix Jones, America's favorite superhero-crime-fighter-guy, will be making some sort of appearance in The Avengers. The extent of his role has yet to be determined, but for those of you clamoring for more info, we have just that after the jump.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Teen Murdered On Elm Street, Parents Blame *Elm* Tree Of Life

***EDIT*** This post is now new and improved thanks to our friend Dylan@ . I sincerely apologize for my witty ineptitude. There clearly should have been an obvious "Elm Tree" joke associated in a post about "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Tree of Life" Thank you Dylan.

A teenage girl was found brutally slashed to death in the Elm Street community, and police can find neither a suspect nor motive for the brutal crime. "At this time we are baffled by this vicious act of violence, but we continue to make progress as the story unfolds," investigators said. An insider has leaked word that homicide detectives are looking to steer suspicion towards the parents, but Ted and Beulah Crappleberry are steadfastly maintaining their innocence in regards to the murder of their daughter Cindy. GPS was able to speak with the Crappleberrys and gain some insight on what went on the night of Cindy's slaughter.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger Apologizes to Maria Shriver with Giant Bronze Statue of Himself.


On Saturday morning, in what some would call a misguided attempt at a romantic gesture, Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled a gigantic bronze statue of himself right on the lawn of his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Maria Shriver. It was a media circus as the former Governor of California stood there, obviously pleased with his own ingenuity while caressing his bronze counterpart's ass.

Birthdays - October 8th

I'm trying something a little different this time. Instead of picking just one birthday and making a post about that person, I'll list the people I think are notable and showcase the one I feel is most worthy. Let me know if you guys prefer it this way or the way we've been doing it up 'til now. I also realize this has been a very sporadic thing so far, and it probably will be until someone else wants to do this every single day. So for now, I'll just do it when I feel like it. Like today. Hooray for birthdays!

Most worthy for October 8th:

Paul Hogan (72)

Friday, October 7, 2011

Contemporary Goonies Too Lazy To Save Town From Foreclosure

The bulldozers are finally on their way to Astoria Oregon homes after a twenty six year wait. Real estate mogul Troy Perkins gets the last laugh, and the neighborhood lovingly referred to as "The Goon Docks" will get demolished and replaced with a multimillion dollar country club. The town was spared from the wrecking ball back in 1985 after some local kids who called themselves "The Goonies" unearthed the treasure of the infamous pirate One-Eyed-Willy. The resourcefulness of these plucky kids became the stuff of legend, but it seems their contemporary counterparts lacked the drive and resolve to save their home when they had the chance. Another pirate treasure map was found in the attic of the Walsh home that promised the riches and spoils of one of Willy's lesser known crew members Drunk Ass Jack. The money from Jack's treasure could have boosted Astoria's flailing economy and re-established its reputation as a thriving town, but the map disappeared and found its way into the hands of Perkins and his corporate lackies. GPS set out to unravel the mystery of Drunk Ass Jack and the new Goonies who apparently now say die.

Will Hunting Shouldn't Have Gone to See About a Girl; Doesn't Like Them Apples.

Back in 1997, Will Hunting was a hot commodity. Tech firms were clamoring to throw money at his giant, immature brain. He could solve highly complex, theoretical physics problems with one hand while writing rhythmic, technically flawless concertos in the other. If you've been paying attention, I'm sure you've noticed the conspicuous lack of his face all over Time magazine for the past 14 years. Why is that? The answer is, simply, Skylar.

Fuck You, Paul W.S. Anderson. No, Really. Part 1.

There's always discussion between myself and Markus about how some filmmakers are just pretentious and boring. They tend to make bloated, obtuse films that only make sense if you know ahead of time what to look for. Call it high art if you want; I don't really care. The reason I bring that up is because even though we like to make fun of the snooty crowd, the opposite end of the spectrum is just as bad. How do I know? Paul W.S. Anderson just proved it to me with Resident Evil: Afterlife.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Willy Wonka Under Investigation for Unsafe Working Conditions in Candy Factory.

Willy Wonka, the world's largest candy magnate, is facing a federal investigation into the working and safety conditions of his candy factory, which have been called into question by a series of accidents resulting in the deaths of at least two people. The investigation was prompted when Claus Spreckels, a local sugar freak, fell into a giant vat of chocolate and was summarily processed and turned into part of Wonka's latest candy line, called Sugar Me! Luckily, the situation was contained before the chocolate bars made their way into the homes of school children all over the city. That wouldn't exactly have been a golden ticket.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ridley Scott to Release Director's Cut of Bloodrayne; Uwe Boll Loves the Free Money.

Ridley Scott, the legendary filmmaker who has given birth to such classics as Alien, Bladerunner, and Gladiator, announced today that he will be releasing a director's cut of Uwe Boll's seminal masterpiece, Bloodrayne. In a press release, Scott said, "I'll be shooting a few extra scenes with the principal cast and also cobbling together whatever crap I can from the editing room floor. It's a big floor. And messy. Shit's everywhere."

Monday, October 3, 2011

Terrence Malick Falls Asleep During Tree of Life Screening; Nobody Seems to Notice.

Terrence Malick was caught snoozing over the weekend during a special screening of  his latest film, The Tree of Life, which is about the majesty of the sun as it makes all metaphors possible and Brad Pitt wearing a fedora while beating his kids or something. GPS found the director after the event, and his explanation for his heavy eyelids isn't what you'd expect. On second thought, maybe it is.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Tom Six, Director of Human Centipede 2, Opens Up About His Shitty Ideas.

We were recently able to have a nice sit down with Tom Six, the director of the forthcoming horror film, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), in order to find out what inspired him to write such gross ass shit.

"Well," Six said, "it didn't start out as gross ass shit. The stuff I was coming up with was bizarre, but not quite at the level The Human Centipede turned out to be. I didn't really have any good ideas, to be honest. It took me around ten tries before I nailed it. But, man, all that hard work on stupid, stupid ideas really paid off."