Thursday, October 6, 2011

Willy Wonka Under Investigation for Unsafe Working Conditions in Candy Factory.

Willy Wonka, the world's largest candy magnate, is facing a federal investigation into the working and safety conditions of his candy factory, which have been called into question by a series of accidents resulting in the deaths of at least two people. The investigation was prompted when Claus Spreckels, a local sugar freak, fell into a giant vat of chocolate and was summarily processed and turned into part of Wonka's latest candy line, called Sugar Me! Luckily, the situation was contained before the chocolate bars made their way into the homes of school children all over the city. That wouldn't exactly have been a golden ticket.

When investigators first arrived at the manufacturing plant, they immediately noticed workers toiling away in a room with no discernible safety precautions in place. Giant machines were venting steam all over the place; tubs filled with unknown liquid substances were carelessly being walked over; and there were no haz mat warning placards on any wall or surface.

One misstep could send a factory worker flying from the stepladder into a vat of bubbly deliciousness.

Aside from the haphazard nature of the factory, Wonka's products themselves are also being called into question. One of his most popular confections, dubbed the Everlasting Gobstopper, seems to pose serious health risks to anyone who ingests it. According to a Wonka candy pamphlet, one could feasibly chew the piece of gum indefinitely without it losing its flavor or consistency. That begs the question, then, what would happen if a child were to swallow it? We spoke to Darby Collins, a local expert on digestive systems, who said, "If someone swallowed this thing, we're not talking about it staying in there for seven years. We're talking life. Of course, God knows what that would do to the digestive system."

Damon Wilcox, a local, had to have emergency stomach surgery last year as a result of accidentally swallowing an Everlasting Gobstopper while watching reruns of Rosanne.

Another, unexpected problem arose when federal employees found evidence of genetic tampering and working conditions similar to those of sweat-shops.

There's something fishy going on here, but federal investigators haven't quite figured out what, exactly.

Here, an unsuspecting child wanders into one of the processing wings of the candy factory. She is visibly upset at the sight of the workers, who are dealing with temperatures in excess of 100 degrees.

Despite the public's understandable ire, Wonka has only issued one statement about the whole affair. "This is an exciting day. Let it be known that if and when five separate violations are found, I will then give government officials a personal tour of my facility. And possibly a magic elevator ride."

It's unclear if Wonka realizes that four of the five violations have already been documented, but if the fifth one is ever uncovered, GPS will keep you updated as to how investigators plan to proceed.


  1. I heard the only way to get in is to play a specific melody on a little piano. It's only a rumor, though.

  2. This matter demands to be investigated fully

    I'll volunteer

  3. You'll have to wear a wire, and if you get caught, we'll disavow you.

  4. As long as i get to sample the merchandise i'm happy

  5. at the Wonka brothel you can have the everlasting candy panty.

  6. I thought you're supposed to want those to dissolve fairly quickly? That would be, like, the ultimate exercise in frustration.