Monday, October 24, 2011

GPSaturday: A Trip to the Movies, and A Lot of Van Dammage.

This past Saturday, Markus and I decided to take a day off from yelling at interns - this time for forgetting to order the Indiana Jones Holy Grail replica paperclip holder for our office - and go catch a flick at the dollar theater. The Elvis Cinemas chain has movies for the pretty awesome price of $2.50-3.00, so we said screw it and saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. What ensued afterward was a DVD store episode that had Morgan Freeman repeating the 12 steps to us in our heads while we dreamed of fighting Tong Po.

The first thing of note once we got inside the Elvis was the Wonka-esque trippy hallway that leads to the theaters.

There's no earthly way of knowing...which direction they are going...

There's no knowing where they're rowing...or which way the river's flowing...

 Is it raining, is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?

 After taking a whirlwind trip to the depths of fear, we made it to the theater in time to watch Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. Is it any good? Yes and no. I'll get to our thoughts on the movie in a bit. The one thing I'll say now is this:

After everyone realized how it was going to end, there were only two people left in the theater. One of them was holding the camera.

As we left the theater, I had the thought that there was some horror movie I wanted. We headed over to DVD Stop, which is a sweet store that carries a lot of used DVDs at awesome prices.

Please don't confuse this store with shitty GameStop. Thankfully, they have nothing to do with each other.

Once inside, a strange feeling came over us. I felt compelled to search for every Van Damme movie I could find. In case you didn't know, it's Van Damme month over at Comeuppance Reviews, so I've had the The Muscles from Brussels on my brain a lot lately. If you haven't been there, go read their reviews of pretty much every Van Damme movie worth talking about.

Can you see my shame? Damn you, Ty!

As I headed to the counter with no less than six Van Damme DVDs, I remarked that I felt bad because the only Van Damme movie I owned until now was Street Fighter. That's just not OK.

As you can see, I now own quite a bit more than Street Fighter.

Before we exited the store, Morgan Freeman called to us. He told us to remember His teachings, and to always follow the 12 steps. He knew the power Van Damme could hold over us, and His guidance was needed.

Markus had to take a moment of silence to think about Morgan Freeman.

Our next stop was Woody's Pizza. We needed to have some slices and a couple of beers to calm down from our Lionheart high.

A well-balanced meal, which, of course, includes a green-ish cheese soup.

Once we were able to stop doing the splits in our minds, we started to talk a little bit about Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. We don't have too much to say about it, but we will present our thoughts in a Slice/Counter-Slice fashion for your enjoyment.


Markus: Whoever played the little girl was great. She had that quiet sadness/anger in all of her expressions.


Sir Phobos: Yea. It's just too bad she had the 1-2 combo of the worst parents in the world.


Markus: I usually love Guy Pierce, but here he played the character of Mr. Stupid Asshole.


Sir Phobos: Agreed. Surprisingly, though, Katie Holmes was pretty damn good. She must have been reading a lot of Dianetics lately.


Markus: Even she couldn't save the ending. How would you explain any of that to the cops?


Sir Phobos: Easy. Just take one of the eighty-bajillion pictures of the gremlins and show it to a sheriff or something. You could also use the dead body of the gremlin that got smooshed between bookshelves. Or, you could just not.

And thus ends this edition of GPSaturday. The office was trashed when we got back, so the interns had to go back into their cages. I hate ending the day on a downer.

 GPSaturday: Great success.


  1. Wow - what a productive day, and it would have even been productive had it not been turned into a photojournalistic essay!

    Question: what's the JCVD flick between Lionheart and Hard Target? I assume it's Kickboxer as he looks young in that pic and that certainly ain't Cyborg (and doesn't appear to be Death Warrant). Either way, the other three are all certified classics, so you done good.

    I wanted to love Slice/Counter-Slice since it's a great idea, but sadly I just don't care about the flick in question at all.

    I don't know how I feel about the non-profile pics of Markus. I was pretty convinced that he was Carl from Dazed and Confused, but that illusion's been shattered.

  2. It is, indeed, Kickboxer. Good job.

    Yea, as far as Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is concerned, we didn't have too much to say other than it was decent until the end. The end sucked. I'm glad you like the Slice/Counter-Slice idea, though. We're debating using it again.

    Markus used to have hair like that.

  3. That is awesome you bought all those great Van Damme flicks including Lionheart! Haha.

  4. Hell yea. I still have to go back for Cyborg.

  5. @Ty......this is your fault we're totally broke now. I'm going to have do a Van Damme split right into your nut sack.

  6. @Dylan.....I'll have you know I'm 6-2 220 and shit canned yams bigger than Carl from Dazed and Confused. I don't even rate a Cole Hauser or Ben Affleck? I see how ya are!

  7. Well, to be fair, Carl was but a wee freshman...he might have grown! What can I say - I see your pic and that's what it made me think of.

    Time to grab the Soul Pole!