Friday, September 30, 2011

Donnie Darko Turns Ten, People Still Don't Know What The Hell It's About

October 26th marked the ten year anniversary of Richard Kelly's bizarre cult classic "Donnie Darko." A decade later, fans and critics of the film still cannot say what the hell the movie is about. Darko is a beloved gem here at GPS, but we too are befuddled and unable to describe any sort of coherent plot summary. There's something about a guy in a creepy bunny suit, a fallen airplane engine, and Patrick Swayze is a pedophile........after that.....we're lost. GPS learned that a team of scientists at M.I.T. led by Dr. Abhay Gupta are constantly studying Darko's labyrinthine structure so that future generations can watch the film without being stupefied. We also caught up with some of the actors involved in the production and asked them to help us solve the Darko plot dilemma.

The Face of Wilford Brimley Haunts New Trailer for The Thing (2011).

Here at GPS, we were a little surprised that the usually enterprising blogosphere missed out on a massive payday when the latest trailer for The Thing hit the internet. In it, there are several scenes of human copies transforming into their true monster selves. Inexplicably, however, every single shot featured Wilford Brimley's face instead of the actual characters in the film.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Sequel to The Long Good Friday to be Released, Entitled The Short Bad Saturday.

 Well, thirty-one years later, The Long Good Friday is finally getting the sequel everyone demanded. GPS has obtained a pre-release screening copy of the film, which will be called The Short Bad Saturday when it releases in theaters next month.

Sequel to The Shining in the Works; Movie Adaptation to Shit All Over It.

Stephen King was recently seen onstage at George Mason University, where he read aloud an excerpt from his soon-to-be sequel to The Shining, entitled Doctor Sleep. Many horror buffs re...buffed the notion, citing the awesomeness of the original and the number of years that have passed since its release. Those points may be valid, but tough shit. Doctor Sleep is happening, and Danny Torrance is the main character.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Wolfman Director's Cut: One Sentence Review

18 minutes added, but more time is required...for this piece of shit to not make me want to die in a fire.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Anne Hathaway's Catwoman Costume Made of Actual Clothing; Fans Pissed.

Over the weekend, professional super-hero costume appraisers lost their collective shit when it was found out that Catwoman's attire did, in fact, include actual, flesh-covering fibers. This news was hard to take for some, such as poster yubnubrocks, who frequents a local film site. "Did someone from the Art Institute photoshop this? Holy fuck that is fake as hell," he opined from behind his mother's Dell keyboard. Another commenter, the_credible_hulk, thinks Nolan should "Recast Hathaway with Emily Blunt and re-film all of the catwoman scenes. Maybe, just maybe, you can save your picture."

Friday, September 23, 2011

Clubber Lang to Face Involuntary Manslaughter Charges for Death of Mickey Goldmill

Rocky Balboa may yet see Micky "Mick" Goldmill's killer brought to justice. In 1982, Clubber Lang threw Goldmill into a metal railing in a fit of (possible) roid rage. Goldmill subsequently died of heart failure, but no one was ever questioned as to the nature of his death. 29 years later, the case has been re-opened by top law officials who are looking to right a "terrible, terrible injustice."

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Avatar Theme Park to Turn Humans into Actual Na'vi.

James Cameron is on top of the world. Not only does he have the two highest-grossing films in cinema history, but he also has plans to transform our species into something more. Something better. Taller, even. And blue. That's right; Disney has secured the rights to begin building an Avatar theme park. That might sound normal enough, but I bet you didn't count on them recreating the virtual reality stations used in the movie to vicariously live as Na'vi. Have you ever wanted to run at a (probable) top speed of 50 MPH while kicking flying beasts in the face? How about jumping on top of a mech and stabbing it to death with a Bowie knife? Well, now's your chance.

Happy Birthday Scott Baio!

Not only is it Scott Baio's 51st birthday, but he's also been in the news recently for having a lot of girlfriends, to which I say: who gives a shit. I was all set to mock him for not being in anything since around the time of the silent German era, but then I remembered something awesome.

Bob Loblaw.

Again, sincere birthday wishes from everyone at GPS. 

Meet Don Logan.

I'll make this short and sweet, because I don't think I need a lot of evidence to convince people to see this movie. I'm sure everyone knows or has known someone who grates on every last nerve; the kind of person that causes groans and eye-rolls the instant they enter a room. You know that as soon as they see you, you're either going to have to bat away a verbal barrage or run the hell away as fast as possible. It's even worse when their only motivation is to get you to do something. You say no, but they don't care. Half-an-hour later, you're still repeating the same damn thing you said at the beginning of the conversation.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

If My Car Ever Breaks Down, I'll Run - Calvaire (2004)

I just finished watching Calvaire, and one thing really struck me: This movie has been made about 80 bajillion times. Guess what, though? It's awesome. The plot takes about 5.5 seconds to explain, but that's alright. A guy's van breaks down in bum-fuck nowhere, France, and he ends up at the mercy of some horrendously flawed individual. Yes, please stop me if you've heard that one before. But I swear this one is different.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Contagion: One Sentence Review

Soderbergh's latest won't make you sick, but Jude Law's character is a total prick.

Oh, Yea...I Forgot This is a Series - Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Until moments ago, I had no idea this franchise boasted the talents of Burt Reynolds and Gary Busey. Huh...look it up.

This is the preferred posture for cyborg killers. It enhances spinal structure and keeps the body limber in case any sexual activity is needed.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Visit From 3 Spirits Prompts Lucas To Release Star Wars Theatrical Cuts On Blu-Ray

It will be a very Merry Christmas indeed for Star Wars geeks this holiday season. A recent press release from Skywalker Ranch has confirmed that George Lucas has finally decided to release the beloved theatrical cuts of the original trilogy on Blu-Ray. The sudden change of heart was certainly unexpected after the totally altered and unpopular versions just hit retailers everywhere. So what exactly changed the evil emperor's mind? There has been rumors about internal strife at Lucasfilm headquarters, but only GPS has been able to pull off the greatest Jedi-mind-trick yet by getting George to spill the beans on the matter! "The ghost of Sir Alec Guinness came to see me in my bedroom one night," a terrified Lucas stated. "He told me I was going to be visited by three spirits that would change my whole outlook on the shit-storm I've I tell ya......he seemed really fucking pissed off at me!" It sounded like Lucas had been putting a little too much vodka in his blue milk, but we let him tell us his story.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Magneto Killed By 16 Year Old Girl During Woodland Vacation

The mutant community has been rocked by news that its most powerful member was killed while on winter holiday. Erik Lensherr, AKA Magneto, was taking a sabbatical from his leadership duties in the Brotherhood of Mutants and sought solace from modern society at a cabin in an undisclosed woodland location. The master of magnetism was apparently prone to migraines, and he would often retreat to his favorite vacation spot to find peace from the metallic interference brought on by city life. When he didn't resume his world conquering duties after his expected return, the Brotherhood launched an investigation. The B.O.M. coordinated their search with the police as well as former friend and nemesis Charles Xavier. Magneto's body was quickly discovered through rigorous investigative tactics bolstered by Xavier's super computer Cerebro. Erik was pierced through the head by a wooden arrow with a polished bone tip and had no chance of using his powers to deflect it. The authorities have apprehended a sixteen year old blond female believed to be responsible for the crime after following her tracks through the snowy woods.