Monday, September 19, 2011

Visit From 3 Spirits Prompts Lucas To Release Star Wars Theatrical Cuts On Blu-Ray

It will be a very Merry Christmas indeed for Star Wars geeks this holiday season. A recent press release from Skywalker Ranch has confirmed that George Lucas has finally decided to release the beloved theatrical cuts of the original trilogy on Blu-Ray. The sudden change of heart was certainly unexpected after the totally altered and unpopular versions just hit retailers everywhere. So what exactly changed the evil emperor's mind? There has been rumors about internal strife at Lucasfilm headquarters, but only GPS has been able to pull off the greatest Jedi-mind-trick yet by getting George to spill the beans on the matter! "The ghost of Sir Alec Guinness came to see me in my bedroom one night," a terrified Lucas stated. "He told me I was going to be visited by three spirits that would change my whole outlook on the shit-storm I've I tell ya......he seemed really fucking pissed off at me!" It sounded like Lucas had been putting a little too much vodka in his blue milk, but we let him tell us his story.

The Ghost Of Sir Alec Guinness Pissed At George!

True to Sir Alec's word, the bearded one was visited the very next night by the aforementioned spirits. The first was the Ghost Of Star Wars Past. "He showed me a place where Han shoots first, Ewoks danced to the yub-nub song, and dead actors didn't roll over in their graves after being digitally replaced," Lucas described. "I actually truly felt like I was somewhere else......a long time ago in a galaxy far far away!"

The Ghost Of Star Wars Past

The Ghost Of Star Wars Present came next as George continued the tale. The spirit guilted George about his recent firing of PR rep Robert Cratchit. "Bob brought up the idea about making the fans happy with a Blu-Ray set of the original theatrical cuts," the director expounded. "I said great idea.......then I fired his sorry ass through e-mail!" Lucas had no idea that Mr. Cratchit just wanted his crippled son Tim to see the original cuts before he succumbed to muscular dystrophy. The boy's condition grew worse after Bob could no longer afford to pay for his expensive therapy.  The Jedi-In-Chief watched in horror as the spirit showed doctors desperately trying to save the tiny ailing boy. "I'm so sorry Bob........I'm so sorry Tim," was all George could say after glimpsing the child in critical condition.

The Ghost Of Star Wars Present with glimpses of...

Robert Cratchit after George's e-mail firing...

.....and the sad prognosis of "Tiny" Tim

Lucas was already having one hell of a night, but it wasn't over yet! The Ghost Of Star Wars Future showed up with visions of a world the director could only describe as an apocalyptic nightmare of gargantuan proportions. "He showed me a world where Star Wars fans don't give a shit anymore and Trek is the dominant geek franchise," said the mortified boss. "There were armies of Trek fans.........buildings  everywhere adorned with Trekkie love....Trekkie tattoos.......this cannot be........I hate Trekkies......STAR TREK SUCKS THE HIGH HARD ONE.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 The Ghost Of Star Wars Future foresees.......

Geek culture dominated by legions of Trekkies......

Trek love on buildings......... 

and tattooed on bodies......the apocalypse is nigh!

But just when he couldn't stand the madness any longer, Lucas found himself back in his own bed free from the tormenting visions of the spirits. "I knew right then and there what I had to do," Lucas proclaimed. "I was wrong all these years......the fans were right........they can have the original cuts on Blu..........and I'll be eating a turd sandwich for ever thinking otherwise." GPS was also thrilled to find out that Mr. Cratchit got his job back with a raise, and his tiny son Tim is eagerly anticipating viewing the classic trilogy when it's released this Christmas. The force is strong with you George.......we salute you!

A healthier Tiny Tim "God bless us every Obi- one!"


  1. Oh man, you made my day with this. You had me for a second then like your well placed used of the "Nooooo!"in paragraph 4, I too belted out the same exasperated and pain filled cry. Though the line under the last photo is the icing on the cake! Bravo sirs:)

  2. @Marc.....maybe it's bad that people will never trust me now when I post because of my smartassyness. As a longtime fan, this blu ray set really pisses me off. I figured I might as well have fun with it.

  3. And fun you did have...punk:P Though I'm right there with you on wanting what we can't have. In fact I remember the day of the press release when it was learned we'd only be getting the special editions, it was "as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced".

    Keep em coming!!

  4. Another hilarious post! Love the Noooo! bit!

  5. @Ty....thank you sir. I couldn't resist throwing the NOOOO bit in.