Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Avatar Theme Park to Turn Humans into Actual Na'vi.

James Cameron is on top of the world. Not only does he have the two highest-grossing films in cinema history, but he also has plans to transform our species into something more. Something better. Taller, even. And blue. That's right; Disney has secured the rights to begin building an Avatar theme park. That might sound normal enough, but I bet you didn't count on them recreating the virtual reality stations used in the movie to vicariously live as Na'vi. Have you ever wanted to run at a (probable) top speed of 50 MPH while kicking flying beasts in the face? How about jumping on top of a mech and stabbing it to death with a Bowie knife? Well, now's your chance.

Starting sometime in 2018, human brains will begin the syncing process with live, non-human hosts. Naturally, Cameron was eager to discuss the project, saying, "I conquered the world of film. Twice. Boooooring. I scoured the depths of the ocean for 13 years. Yaaaawn. What do I have left to accomplish? Oh, not much, really. Just a little thing called TRANSFORMING AND EVOLVING THE HUMAN RACE. You wouldn't know anything about that, now, would you? Who are you again?"

"Park-goers will be given the chance to hear, see, and touch the world of Avatar with an unprecedented sense of reality."

GPS wasn't able to sustain a coherent interview long after that last quote, but suffice it to say, James Cameron is a man on a mission. The end goal might be a bit hazy, but the journey towards it is anything but. We're talking giant robots, disembodied 'Nam-esque flashbacks, and maybe even blue-skinned alien sex shared with a loved one. If the overall body mass is drastically increased....I'm just saying. The possibilities are truly endless. We'll report back once we've had a chance to throw away our humanity in favor of a prehensile tail and a sweet vertical.


  1. Dang, I was hoping the park would simulate being an insecure gazillionaire while being a total prick to everyone on the set of your movie. And your name would rhyme with Cames Jameron.

  2. I would say the actual park is an extension of that. I've always heard he was hard to work with, but I also always thought the results spoke for themselves. They still do, I guess.

    Cames Jameron should be ashamed.