Friday, October 7, 2011

Will Hunting Shouldn't Have Gone to See About a Girl; Doesn't Like Them Apples.

Back in 1997, Will Hunting was a hot commodity. Tech firms were clamoring to throw money at his giant, immature brain. He could solve highly complex, theoretical physics problems with one hand while writing rhythmic, technically flawless concertos in the other. If you've been paying attention, I'm sure you've noticed the conspicuous lack of his face all over Time magazine for the past 14 years. Why is that? The answer is, simply, Skylar.

The person who ruined the next Steve Jobs.

Yea, he met a girl. She whisked him away to Never-Never Land, and we haven't heard from him since. Actually, she said fuck off and left, but that's my version. But now he's back, and GPS has an exclusive interview with the man who can quote philosophers like I can quote Ghostbusters.

The first order of business was to figure out what he's been doing with his life since 1997. "Um, not a hell of a lot, actually," the misunderstood genius said. "I moved in with Skylar back in the '90s, as you know. It was great for a while. I had to get a job as a janitor at a community college, but it wasn't so bad. I guess they all have chalkboards in the hallways, so I was always able to sneak in there and scribble some shit at 3am that confounded everyone the next morning. I made it a little game; let's see who could bicker at each other the most. It was pretty fun."

This is Hunting's way of saying he's smarter than you.

Of course, everyone wants to know how and when he made the big bucks. However, the tale isn't quite as uplifting as I'm sure you'd hoped. "Things were going great for about the first 3 months or so. Then the arguing started. She was always burying her face in her stupid physics books. I would tell her. I would say, 'Look, honey, if you give me 5 minutes, I'll teach you how to warp space-time. Just shut your yap for 2 GODDAMN MINUTES.' She was stubborn, though, and she wouldn't listen. She kept yammering on about repetition and memorization like I gave a shit."

That might seem harsh, but to be fair, Hunting's talents were all but being squandered. As he puts it, "I started drinking heavier than I ever had. I was a mess. I knew my potential would never be reached while I was with this plebeian. What? Oh, just look it up, man. Anyways, you know, every time I would try to quote Hume or Descartes to her, she would interrupt and want to go try on stupid party hats and make retarded faces. Come ON. I was doing algebra while she was still shitting her Pull-ups, and we're the same age."

Settling down had an adverse effect on Hunting's mental and physical state.

"The ladies used to love me," Hunting continued. "But, and I admit this; I let myself go. Skylar was always worried about things like finances and if we had a big enough place for the two of us. Finances, really? If I wanted to, I could go make us a million dollars. She was stifling me, though. I need to be free."

As it turns out, Hunting is now one of Boston's most eligible bachelors. "I'm a single man," the newly released stud said, beaming. "I left her in the dust. Not literally, but I think it was a Hardy's. She'll get over it. I think I'm going to go count cards at the MGM Grand. I'll see you guys later. But probably not."

That was the last we heard from Will Hunting. Assuming he hasn't been arrested in Las Vegas, he's out there, somewhere, writing mysterious equations on college campuses across the country. Maybe even your own.

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