Thursday, March 22, 2012

Behold My (Apparently) First Review - House of the Dead

I know I've been AWOL for a while, but I just got engaged, and a couple other things have been more pressing as of late. I want to rectify that, and what with all the talk about people's first posts, I figured this would be a funny way to get back into the groove.

I don't have any recollection of writing this review, but my work computer does not lie to me. I wrote this in 2006, way before we even started this blog. House of the Dead is obviously shitty, so I can't imagine I spent a whole lot of time writing this. It's not well-written, but I think it makes up for that with intent and mockery, as everything in life should. Enjoy, unedited.

This being my first review, I'd like to mention a few things first.  There are movies that are good, movies that are bad, and then you have your camp.  Your Evil Deads and Big Trouble in Little Chinas.  Movies that are supposed to be the way they are.  No one has dreams of Acadamy awards floating around in their heads when making these movies.  Plenty of people have made a living doing this, and I'm all for it.  Then you have people who make bad movies, but think they're re-imagining the way the world works or something.  Uwe Boll is one of the latter, and House of the Dead is a shitty movie.
    SO the story goes, a bunch of idiots decide to go to a huge rave out in the middle of nowhere.  It's supposed to be the greatest rave ever thrown, which is why when you see it in action, it's about 30 people and a small stage with SEGA emblazooned enormously across it.  In the middle of the woods on a deserted island.  Anyways, so these kids get to the ferry that was supposed to go there too late, and they see this boat on the dock.  They end up hitching a ride with a smuggler while being chased by a cop.  Not an exciting chase, just some cop hanging around sounding official and whatnot.  Before they depart, the captain makes it clear that going to this island is a bad idea.  After all, it's called Isla de Muerta, which roughly translates into Why the Fuck Would Anyone Go There Island.  This also makes me wonder why a ferry would leave for there daily, but not enough to really care.  If it was a chartered ferry, then way to go Sega for maximizing the attendance for your 30 person rave of the year. 
    Once they get to the rave, they find it to be totally deserted.  This apparently makes them happy, despite the blood soaked shirts and empty cups of beer on the ground. That would be a red flag for some, for others a chance for free drinks at the bar.  Actually I'm not giving all the characters the credit they deserve.  Three of them decide to go and see if anyone's around, while the other two stay behind at the kickin' party.  So off the three go wandering until they come across a cemetary.  Apparently none of them have ever seen or heard of a cemetary, because they are astounded beyond belief.  "What the hell is this place?" "Where are we?" It's a cemetary you dumbshit, and you're on Death Island in the middle of nowhere.  2 + 2 = wtf???
    Once they get to the cemetary, they find some survivors from the rave inside one of the monuments.  I guess some of them know each other somehow, but I have no idea how.  Whatever, they go back to the rave only to find that one of the two who were left there got killed and turned into a zombie. 
    I'm starting to bore myself with remembering this shit.  It's not worth it.  Although I feel I should mention that this movie has one of the WORST fight scenes I've ever fucking seen in my life.  God Fucking Awful.  Picture the worst Matrix style bullet time rip off you've ever seen.  Now multiply that shittiness by about 50, and use the 360 degree slow-mo shot about 25 times in 10 minutes.  Intersperse a lot of shit that makes no sense, then repeat with the slo-mo.  I'm guessing this fight lasted around 10 or 15 minutes, but it seemed like for-fucking-ever. 
    The acting for the most part is pretty bad.  I have to admit though, it's better than the voice acting in the arcade games.  But that's like saying Keanu Reeves is a better actor than a Keanu Reeves with the voice of Stephen Hawking.  Oh well.

And there you have it, folks. House of the Dead sucked shit in 2006, and it sucks shit in 2012. Unlike my writing skills, some things never change.


  1. There is going to be a missus Phobos :0

  2. Congrats on getting engaged! Uwe Boll should officiate your marriage too.

    Also agree about House Of The Dead...It was a real tough sit...especially that 15 minute fight scene. Haha.

  3. Congrats on the engagement! Go easy on Uwe or he may want to fight you.