Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Spurred On by Box Office Numbers, Immortal Twilight Perfume Starts Marketing Campaign

"Immortal is defined as everlasting, never to be forgotten and having perpetual life. From the eternal life of a vampire to the eternal love between soul mates, Immortal Twilight is the personification of undying romance."

Those are the words on the official Twilight Beauty website, which goes on to say how the film's "essence of breathless romance" has a quality that "only a scent can fully emulate." The PR company behind the perfume's marketing campaign has hit the ground running as news spread that Breaking Dawn surpassed $500 million in worldwide box office numbers in just 12 days. They're buying up commercial slots all over the place, and the first ad will start running over the weekend. Fortunately for all of you, GPS was allowed a sneak peak at how at least some of it will look.

Willamina Duchesne, spokeswoman for the perfume line, had this to say about Immortal Twilight. "The Immortal Twilight scent was developed to emulate the way Bella smells to Edward with notes of cool citrus and wild chamomile, descending to reveal a delicate harmony of white freesia and peony grounded by the captivating and mysterious femininity of patchouli, cool amber and musk."

We asked what the fuck that was supposed to mean, and she replied, "Bella’s scent is irresistible to all vampires, especially Edward. The way she smells is otherworldly and one of the reasons Edward is powerfully drawn to her from the moment of their first encounter."

Fair enough. She then let us watch a work-in-progress of the commercial slated for this weekend.

We were unsure of what they were going for, exactly. "Well, it's simple" Ms. Duchesne said. "The idea is that Bella smells SO GOOD that Edward is immediately repulsed by how strong the stench is. She smells THAT GOOD. So we're trying to convey the message of love everlasting with a smell that will make men gag on the spot. It's THAT GOOD."

We then caught up with a couple of women who were part of the perfume's trial run to see how it fared in the real world.

Ginger, a magazine model, was given a sample bottle of Immortal Twilight and told to walk around town.

As advertised, it worked like a charm. Pedestrians were awe-struck at the way Bella smells.

We interviewed Ginger after she made the rounds, and she was amazed at the outcome. "I couldn't believe it," Ginger gasped. "Men were beside themselves with emotion after just one whiff of my scent. It was exhilarating!"

Giselle, another model, was tasked with spraying herself with some Immortal Twilight and going to a restaurant.

The effect was even more devastating, as bar patrons passed out despite the fact they were in different rooms.

Giselle was less enthused about the results of her room-clearing body odor. "I was almost in tears. I thought there was some kind of chemical attack going on, but it was just my neck line. This stuff might be an effective roofie, though."

Rumor has it that the French line of Immortal Twilight is set to premiere within the next couple of weeks, and our sources are telling us it will be called Everlasting Toilete (pronounced Twa-let). More on that story as it breaks.


  1. Is that advert for real? HAHAHA Love this made me laugh a lot

  2. Do they make Edward Cullen body glitter yet? Gotta get me some of that.

  3. I'm thinking next up should be Twilight Tranqs.

    "Be like Bella, the emotions of a potato. Take 8 tranquilizers every hour, and your Edward will find you."

    Then maybe all those Edwards looking for their Bellas can use the handy-dandy, Twilight Roofies!

  4. Haha, hilarious post and pics! Love the guy face first in the urinal.

  5. @Scott Yea...they actually have that crap.

    @Robert I'll look into it for you, and if they do, you'll know about it soon.

    I think I'll steal the potato tranq idea.

    @Ty The guy didn't like it in the morning.

  6. Mwahahaha... oh man, I guess it's a matter of time. They might as well create a Werewolf musk w/ shirtless Lautner as the model. Make sure they put it in the fine print that the side effect is that they would get very, very hairy, ahah.

    I bet there is a body glitter product available now Robert, geez louise!

  7. Ruth, I think there's stuff like what you said out there. I shall investigate further.


    These are their product features...
    * Sparkle Powder Makeup in a Jar
    * Includes a small application brush
    * Official and Licensed Twilight movie merchandise
    * Make your skin sparkle like Edward Cullen

    Yes, yes. You CAN make your skin sparkle like Edward Cullen. And I'm pretty sure I just died a little inside just knowing people willingly spend $30 on this crap.

  9. Anon, if that product would replace the small application brush with one of those oversized, bigger-than-your-own-head makeup pad things that you can hit someone in the face with, then I would buy it.

  10. I can imagine millions of teenager girls around the world begging their parents for this as a Christmas present! Yuketty yuk!

    ..great post! :)

  11. From that scene in which Bella sits next to Edward in class, I always thought she smelled like fart. Well, that's what Robert Pattinson's face suggested.

  12. @Castor She does smell like farts. And Pattinson's face also suggests it would like to be punched.

  13. You dudes are #%&$ed up.

    I appreciate that.