Thursday, November 3, 2011

Terrence Malick's Untitled Romantic Drama Starring Ben Affleck is Really About Orbiting Planets and Shit.

If you thought Terrence Malick was correct when he fell asleep at his own screening for Tree of Life, man...wait 'til you get a load of his Untitled Romantic Drama "starring" Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams. I use quotes there because, as it turns out, only 40 minutes of the film's purported 183-minute runtime will be focused on actual people. The rest will make use of longing stares at revolving planets and nucleotides as they form the beginnings of intelligent life. The twist comes at the end, when everything in the known universe is dumped out of a colossal anus.

So far, the plot has been said to revolve around some douchebag who fucks girls and feels bad about it or something. Mopey faces by Ben Affleck will be the focal point of his 40 minutes of camera time, while Rachel McAdams will supposedly shed some tears as she looks at water dripping from a tree branch.

Ben Affleck, left, looks down as he steps on an ant colony. Moments later, the colony is shown in minute detail for 34 minutes as worker ants do some heavy lifting, followed by a shot of Uranus orbiting the sun in slow-motion.

When asked to comment, Affleck said he felt comfortable in Malick's hands. "Hey, the guy is a genius. I mean, I only started directing shit in the last few years. He's been doing it since the '70s. I'm sure he's learned something since then, right? I'm excited to work with him."

Ben Affleck tries to puzzle out the script to Malick's next masterpiece.

Naturally, we wanted to get McAdams' take on her role in the film. We sat her down next to a giant poster of Wedding Crashers and asked how the shoot has been coming along. "Well," she said, "It's been surreal. We're not so much working from a script as we're feeding off emotions. one scene, Ben and I are supposed to be sad. So Terrence will hold up these little cards with words like "longing" or "bottomless pit of despair" on them. Then we sort of have to act out whatever's on the card. It's a challenge."

Rachel McAdams attempts to summarize the plot of Malick's new testament to the power of cinema.

In a special screening event, GPS was able to sit down in a theater with the only edited footage of Malick's next film. I won't spoil it with words; they would not do it justice.

[editor's note: This is my favorite part so far]

Unfortunately, as soon as the lights came back on, Malick and his associates stood up and walked out without a sound. I think they wanted their art to speak for them. Indeed, it did. More on this story as it breaks.


  1. HEHE You had me going for a bit matey... how do you guys come up with this stuff?

  2. I'm guessing I lost you after "colossal anus" ?

    Man, this one wrote itself. I was at Anomalous Material reading up on the goings-on of Malick and company. Then pure gold struck my brain.

  3. I was going to be nice to Malick and not go there when I saw that story, but you couldn't resist!

  4. I hope malick doesn't read this may cause him to have a nervous breakdown

  5. @dirtywithclass.......we can't be the only site that picks on the guy......there must be more of us out there! We will find them. We will unite!

  6. Well i mentioned in my "acclaimed directors i don't get" post. Does that count?

  7. Ahaahaha this pure, unadulterated genius! Very funny post today Sir Phobos :)

  8. Why, thank you, Castor. You're too kind.

  9. Haha! Here comes another 3 hour nap from Malick!