Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Cameron Says Titanic Will Feel Even Longer In 3-D And Boat Won't Sink This Time

After "Avatar" became the all time box office champ and vaulted the popularity of 3-D to new heights, James Cameron is now hoping the iceberg of good fortune will strike "Titanic" for a second time. During the past couple of years, Cameron and his team have been busy retooling the blockbuster for a 3-D theatrical run. But will being all prettied up in the third dimension be enough to entice audiences back to the multiplexes? GPS was lucky enough to spend some quality time with Cameron and learn more about the upcoming re-release.

For a film that was already quite boring for most of its bloated 194 minute running time, we were curious about how the 3-D conversion could help make the period drama/love story more exciting. "It can't," the director told us. "As a matter of fact, the new 3-D filming process we made popular with Avatar is going to make it feel even longer. Hours will feel like decades so that when it finally starts to get interesting towards the end, you're more likely to appreciate the shift to disaster film mode."

Cameron says Titanic 3-D makes hours feel like decades

This Titanic 3-D test screener was only 21 when the movie started

Most people know by now how the tragic tale of Jack and Rose ends, but Cameron promises he's got something a little different up his sleeve this time around. "I never liked it that Rose wouldn't get her fat ass off the driftwood so Jack could warm up a bit," James said with regret in his voice. "This time I'm fixing that shit! Titanic still hits the berg, but in a Shyamalan-esqe twist, the sinking ship is saved and ends up making port in New York. The new couple gets married after selling the Heart of the Ocean pendant, and Rose shits out more kids than that Duggar lady could even dream...everyone lives happily ever after!"

Rose will no longer selfishly hog the driftwood...

and Jack lives to impregnate his true love many times

We were chomping at the bit to find out how Cameron was going to rewrite history and change the fate of the doomed cruise ship, and the big boss man was happy to indulge us. "The Terminator films taught us that we can always go back and fuck with history. There's going to be a hidden stash of un-obtainium in one of the cargo holds that keeps Titanic afloat long enough to reach port." When asked how he could possibly expect any of this to seem plausible, Cameron merely scoffed. "I'm James Cameron bitches! If plausibility does not exist, I invent it. Just in case you didn't know, the J. C. in James Cameron also stands for Jesus Christ!"

a hidden stash of Avatar un-obtainium

keeps Titanic afloat to make port

Will these exciting new changes be enough to rekindle the fire that drove movie goers wild back in 97? We'll find out next year when "Titanic 3-D" hits movie screens everywhere. Cameron's track record proves that if anybody in the film business can make lightning strike twice, it's definitely him. We at GPS simply cannot wait to never see this one.


  1. Haha, same here! Will never watch this. There is a lot of talking before the boat sinking! Everybody's eyes will be decimated.

  2. every drama will have to come out in 3D if this takes off!

  3. "Paint me like one of your French girls, Jack." IN 3D!!!!!!

  4. @Robert...3D makes everything better doesn't it?

  5. So i guess you weren't a fan of Titanic?

  6. @dirty...I thought the ship coming apart was pretty cool, but couldn't have cared less about everything leading up to it.

  7. Awesome post Markus. It's too bad we have to sit through 3 hours and a half of junk to get to the only highlight of the movie: Kate Winslet's boobs in 3D! ;p

  8. @Castor...hey thanks a lot! I'd have to agree with you on the best part of the movie. Maybe I can just sneak into a theater when the time comes to see that part.

  9. Ha..ha.. I actually enjoyed this film when I saw it for the first time. Yes it's perhaps too melancholy but Kate was great and the SFX was great for back in the day. Aw come on, I didn't think she was selfish hogging the driftwood, I mean it can only fit one person!! he...he.. But yeah, why can't they just find ANOTHER driftwood?? I'd think if they keep moving he might not be dead. In any case, watching this in 3D is just so unnecessary.

  10. @Ruth...she was very selfish for hogging the driftwood, but I give credit to Jack for being a total gentleman. I kid, but this film is impressive overall. I just don't think a 3D re-release is warranted, but the sharks smell money in the water.

  11. That was like a 8 foot tall, floating wooden door or something. I could fit my entire billing department on it.

  12. Oh, so the iceberg actually contains unobtanium!! No wonder it's practically indestructible, just like Jim Cameron's ego!

    1. Forget about a ship, I think Cameron's ego could sink a planet!