Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Boy Not Enamored With "A Christmas Story" Like His Parents Are

When TBS airs 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" every year, it usually brings good tidings of comfort and joy to the Turtlewood family. It's been a yearly tradition for them to don their gay apparel, eat heartily, and watch Ralphie quest for his ultimate present at least five times before letting their son open his own. Unfortunately, young Tom doesn't share his parent's appreciation for the beloved holiday classic and hopes to start a new tradition. One that doesn't involve watching what he thinks is a shitty old movie over and over again before claiming his Christmas loot.

Bill and Mary are huge fans of the 1983 film, and they insist on reenacting several key scenes from it every year when the marathon airs. "It's the greatest Christmas film ever made," Bill says with giddiness in his voice. "We even own the leg lamp and Mary pretends to hate it when I put on display in the window!"

 Mary Turtlewood pretends to hate the racy lamp

But seven year old Tom is now dreading his parents awful annual routine. "Mom actually bought Dad and I matching bunny outfits which she gift wraps," Tom said jadedly."Then we open them and have to try them on for her. She laughs hysterically, then I finally get to open up my real presents. Now keep in mind we've already watched the damn movie a million times, and at this point I've had my fill of Christmas Story bullshit!" When asked why he didn't find the tale of Ralphie's BB gun obsession charming, Tom got irritated. "I could have the Red Ryder carbine-action two hundred shot range model air rifle or I could play Modern Warfare 3 and have an M-16 with a grenade launcher attachment! Which one do you think sounds better? I'd rather cap some fool's ass, teabag em, and earn the assassin perk on tier 2 multiplayer than have some shitty air rifle. Besides, Ralphie liked Orphan Annie.....what a pussy!"

Bill Turtlewood loves pink bunny Christmas Story cosplay

young Tom does not and would rather be.....

teabaggin fools in Modern Warfare 3 multiplayer

Perhaps Tom is getting a little too old to be dressing up as a pink bunny, but then again so is his dad. "A Christmas Story" will always have a special place in the Turtlewood's holiday hearts, but it seems like their youngest would rather shoot his eye out than endure the marathon for yet another year.


  1. Licking the flag pole outside will probably get him out of the tradition.

  2. you triple dog dare him?

  3. Hi Markus & Sir Phobos, just want to wish you boys a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your holiday break, guys.