Friday, June 17, 2011

Crystal Lake Closure On 4th Of July Upsets Unlikable Teens

A recent string of fatal incidents at Crystal Lake has proven to be too much for the woefully understaffed police department to handle. The authorities suspect foul play and consequently, the popular vacation spot has been forced to close its shores for the upcoming 4th of July weekend. This is troubling news for a group of unlikable teenagers who will now be forced to change their vacation plans at the last minute.

A motley crew consisting of a shy female virgin, an asshole jock, and other promiscuous pot smokers were all geared up for a party packed bonanza at the lake. "My gal pals felt this was going to be the weekend I'd finally break out of my shell and get to experiment a little with sex and drugs," The disheartened virgin remarked. "But I guess I can catch up on my summer school homework instead."

The upset virgin with other unlikable teens in the background

The asshole jock of the group is distressed about the lake closing, but refuses to give up on a weekend of debauchery. "I know all about that bad business at the camp, but we were renting a cabin on the other side of the lake.......well out of harms way," the angry athlete proclaimed. "I hear there's a party boat nearby booze cruising to Manhattan......I think I can still get us in on that action!"

Asshole's party or bust!

While the kids may be bothered, some of the lakeside locals are more than happy about the closure. A man known as Crazy Ralph felt that an over crowded weekend at Crystal Lake could only spell disaster for would be party people. "Its got a death curse," Ralph insists. "Anyone who goes there is doomed I tell ya........they're all doomed!"

Crazy Ralph...."They're all doomed!"

Now that the weekend festivities have been canceled, the police will have more time to generate some leads and prevent further fatalities in the area. The teenagers may be angry, but hopefully they can still salvage their holiday plans in a safe responsible manner. May the fourth be with them.

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