Sunday, October 21, 2012

After Realizing Left Behind is Not his Autobiography, Nicolas Cage Closes Talks to Headline Film

Over the weekend, it was reported that Nicolas Cage was in negotiations to star in the reboot of the popular Christian franchise, Left Behind. According to trusted GPS sources, those talks have since gone cold, and Cage was "totally embarrassed" when it dawned on him that the film wasn't about his own career.

"I'm considering firing my agent," a visibly distraught Cage told us over the phone. "There I was, honored to accept a starring role in my own autobiography, and what do I come across? This book called Left Behind. It's about a bunch of crazy people shedding their clothes and running off into the sky or something. I don't know...I mean, the last time I did that was at least 7 years ago. It's clearly not my story."

Cage went on to explain that he's been writing the story of his life, and he was planning on using the same title as the book series with 65 million copies in circulation worldwide. Apparently, he's never heard of it, but this new found knowledge is not going to stop him from selling his memoirs. "Fuck it," Cage blurted out. "I'm just going to subtitle it something weird and hope they don't sue me. Good luck collecting on a lawsuit. Bahahaha!"

The subtitle is a "work in progress," but we don't think he'll come up with anything better.

Just in case you're wondering if Cage will be up to the task of filling the giant shoes left by the inestimable Kirk Cameron, we'll leave you with but a taste of the acting ability on display throughout the entire Left Behind film series:


  1. Surely thou jokest...

    1. I do not. The world is coming to an end, and Nicolas Cage knows the truth.