Monday, October 8, 2012

In Light of Strong Box Office Showing for Sequel, Liam Neeson to Open Taken Inspired Phone Answering Service

After nearly tripling its $45 million budget, Taken 2 has inspired Liam Neeson to open his own small busines centered around the hit film series. "I don't know why," Neeson said. "But people really like hearing me tell other people that I'm going to find and kill them. Since that's the case, why not make some money on the side while doing it?"

His new venture will have people visiting his store so that Neeson can answer their phone. Once engaged with the caller, he will tailor his "finding and killing" motif to best suit the given situation. As he explains it, there is a near-infinite number of possibilities when it comes to threatening someone over the phone. "Let's say this guy owes Jimmy 20 bucks. Jimmy comes into my store, and when the guy who owes him calls him on the phone, I'm there to intercept it. I might answer with something like, 'Hey, asshole. You owe Jimmy 20 bucks. If you don't pay it back in 48 hours, I will find you, and I will kill you.'"

Conceivably, Jimmy's 20 bucks will be coughed up in order to avoid any further threats of murder by the actor.

"It also works the other way around," Neeson said, gleefully. "Maybe Jimmy gets his 20 bucks back, and to celebrate, he wants to call in to work the next day. Well, maybe his boss won't buy it. But if I call Jimmy's boss and explain how I will find and kill him unless Jimmy is allowed to take the day off, he might change his tune."

Neeson is quick to point out that he makes customers sign a piece of paper acknowledging his threats as idle. "After all, my particular set of skills is actually me just pretending to be other people. In the case of my new store, I'm pretending to threaten people with their lives. Where's the harm in that?"

According to Neeson, this waiver absolves him of all possible criminal liability.

Only time and a slowly recovering economy will tell if anyone is willing to shell out the reported $100 fee Neeson will charge to scare the shit out of everyone. I, for one, see absolutely no lawsuits in the future for any party involved.


  1. Could i have Liam threaten someone into giving me a job?

    Cause that would really help my job search

  2. Great idea! Would love to have Liam give his classic monologue from the 1st Taken on my answering machine.

    Or Neeson himself should just go to different countries and kill terrorists.

    1. Kind of like the voicemail thing Arnold did last month.

  3. LOL!!!!

    Hang on. Had to stop laughing.

    This is a legitimately great idea. I would fork over $100 in a heartbeat for one of these! :D

    1. I'm sure you have the words "class action" in your future.