Thursday, May 17, 2012

Scientific Study Proves DVD Cover of Timecop is Full of Shit

We here at GPS always train our interns to sniff out factual inaccuracies in movies and marketing material, and it looks like all that hard work has paid off yet again. After perusing the DVD of Jean-Claude Van Damme's seminal time travel movie, Timecop, it became apparent that some of the claims made on the back cover were suspect. In order to get to the bottom of this development, we interviewed leading specialists in various fields. As expected, philosophers, writers, and scientists all had strong opinions when it came to the back cover of the Timecop DVD.

 The quotes in question.

The first claim we had to contend with came from People Magazine, which called Timecop "a thinking man's movie." Just to be sure they weren't talking straight out of their ass for a box quote, we sat down with Shelly Kagan, Clark Professor of Philosophy at Yale University. We showed him our copy of the film and, after the credits rolled, gave him the People Magazine quote.

 We sat Kagan down in our special eyes-only GPS screening room to view the evidence.

At first, Kagan didn't know what to say.

After sitting in his Yale classroom for about an hour, Kagan finally gave us his verdict.

"I thought about it. Yea, that's a load of shit right there. I'm a thinking man, and all that went through my head was how almost-naked Van Damme was during that one part."

Kagan couldn't get this image out of his mind.

Or this one.

"Then there's that whole thing about your past self touching your future self," Kagan said. "Why would you start freaking out like the T-1000 after he was dumped in lava and then explode? That's, like, anti-logic."

Ron Silver + Ron Silver = time placenta

Kagan was not impressed by Timecop's provocative reasoning.

The second DVD claim we investigated came from the Associated Press, saying the sci-fi actioner was "...packed with white-knuckle thrills."

I was going to invite a print journalist to help with this claim, but I realized it wasn't really necessary.

All I had to do was turn on Timecop and judge for myself.

While I have to admit there were some thrills involved in the story, at no time did I clench my fists long enough to produce white knuckles. I came close when Van Damme sexed up Mia Sara, but other than that, my experiment proved the Associated Press wrong.

My non-white knuckles decided the fate of the AP's bogus claim.

 Nice try, Mia. Very nice.

Even after all that, the Associated Press still wasn't done heaping praise on Timecop just yet. According to them, "A terrific script" was one of the defining aspects of the movie. "Terrific" can be a relative term, so we decided to turn to Neil deGrasse Tyson, the astrophysicist who made James Cameron fix the stars in Titanic, as a source of enlightenment for Timecop script QA.

"Well," Tyson said. "You don't have to dig very far into this thing before some problems arise. I mean, shit. This crap is fifteen minutes in:"
Walker(Van Damme): There's never enough time.
Melissa(Mia Sara): Never enough for what?
W: To satisfy a woman.
M: Then you never want to miss an opportunity.
 "There's nothing that I can think of," Tyson explained, "that could possibly account for an exchange like that. If it was once, maybe. But I'm supposed to believe they say those exact words to each other once every single year? Bullshit."

Neil deGrasse Tyson says the Timecop DVD cover is full of shit.

 It seems the back DVD cover of Timecop cannot stand up to rigorous, scientific scrutiny. Is there any lesson or moral to take away from this event? I think there is. I think when you put Timecop into your DVD player, you have to have realistic expectations. There are two things you need to expect: split-kicks and boobies. There are more split-kicks than boobies, but as I already mentioned, the boobies are quite worthy.

GPS is always looking to shed light on serious topics such as this. If there are any news leads on this or similar stories, please email GPS at greenpeoplesoup at yahoo dot com.


  1. I thought i was the only one who practiced split-kicks naked. Guess i was wrong int hat assumption

  2. Haha! Those Van Damme split-kicks are very scary!

    1. They can be scary, but they can also be marvelous.

  3. Tell us more about your Charles Manson is that, a monkey? coffee table.

    I always knew Timecop was cool, but I'd forgotten that Timecop was cool because bewbs. Well done, Mia.

    1. Well, you got Charlie there, and then there's a monkey. It's actually on my cubicle at work, and looking into the crazed stare of Charles Manson always makes me remember how not insane I am.

      And yes, Mia Sara bewbs are great. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell if they're really hers in Timecop. The picture is random. I'll have to watch the movie again in slo-mo just to make sure she didn't use a body double.

    2. I wanted to see if anyone would comment on my Manson thing. +20 for you.

    3. Where does that put me on the scoreboard?

      Be sure to let me know your findings after the slo-mo Sara business. Provided you don't get hyponotized and don't wake up.

    4. There's no scoreboard. I just remember shit.

      I'll let you know about Sara. I think I have to go watch Legend and Ferris Bueller now, too.

  4. This movie taught me everything I know about Science. And Love. Van Damme is the absentee father I wish my semi-absentee father was

    1. Van Damme could teach your semi-absentee father a thing or two about leg muscles, and how to act totally shocked every time he gets punched in the face. Assuming, that is, he gets punched in the face a lot.

    2. Well if he doesn't get punched a lot he certainly should.

      As good as this movie is, and as convincing as Van Damme is as a time travel future cop from America it isn't quite as good as Sudden Death, where Van Damme kicks more ass and is even more convincing as an American Fire Safety Officer.

      Instead of Expendables 2 Van Damme, Schwarzenegger and Statham should have made a movie called "Border Control" in which three illegal immigrants from various European countries attempt to lead normal lives as "Americans" but get easily found out and deported because of their failure to even attempt any kind of American accent (except Statham, who does try, but it's so bad you can barely even tell). They all have everyday American names like Quade and Carter, but they fool nobody.

    3. We need 3 more action stars to go against them.

  5. I'm posting as anon in case I'm incorrect, but are you single Phobos? I have a crush on you ever since I started reading this blog. If you're single I'll give you my email and maybe we can start talking. And I'm completely embarased by this, but I can't help it you're hot!

    1. Well, I'm married, but I do appreciate the thought. Others have said I'm hot, too.