Thursday, May 10, 2012

John Travolta Goes On Heterosexual Assault Binge to Prove He's Not Gay

It's been a busy few days for John Travolta. Already two male massage therapists have come forward with allegations of Travolta sexually assaulting and belittling them during massage sessions, and more could be on the horizon. Quick to combat any negative P.R., the known-Scientologist and pilot decided on an impromptu flight to Miami in order to prove he's not gay. The actor is quoted as saying, "You want me to prove it? Oh, man. You shouldn't have thrown that gauntlet down."

After numerous attempts, GPS was unable to score a sit-down interview with Travolta. We did, however, follow him to Miami, where he immediately began his molestation tour at the Acqualina Resort and Spa on the Beach.

Travolta went straight for the pool area.

Despite allegedly groping two male masseuses' genitals, Travolta was seen running circles around the hot tub, screaming, "I only love boobs! B-E-W-B-S! Woooo!"

Half-an-hour later, we tailed the Look Who's Talking Now star to a suburb where he raided a random kegger, slammed a beer, and attempted to crush it on his forehead.

Brand be damned; Big T chugged the closest thing to his mouth.

Fresh off his recent beer buzz, Travolta then darted on foot to the nearest business district, where he interrupted a young girl's dance rehearsal. At least half a dozen shocked spectators looked on in horror as the man they all loved in Staying Alive felt up one of the few innocent people in the room.

Jenny never did get to finish her Swan Lake routine, and I don't know if she ever will.

The last time I saw Travolta was around noon the next day. The Wild Hogs leading man didn't remember how he got to the beach, but after surveying his surroundings, he murmured, "Thetans...clear" before calling a limo and passing out.

Possibly the last picture of a totally straight John Travolta. It looks like he won't get to keep the bra.


A third allegation of sexual assault has been levied against Travolta, this time by male cruise worker who was on the same Royal Caribbean ship as the one-time proponent of Battlefield Earth. Travolta apparently stripped naked and offered the cruise employee $12,000 for sex.

This is just a guess on my part, but once the news gets back to Travolta, expect a second round of nipple tugging and panty raids. Of course, we'll be there to document it every step of the way.


  1. Haha! Absolutely brilliant. Looking forward to more updates about the Travolta panty raids.

  2. "Nipple tugging and panty raids" ... sounds .... eh.

    I'm glad you're keeping tabs on Travolta - the man can't be trusted with his sexual preferences.

  3. I know why Tarantino didn't have to coerce Travolta into growing his hair so long for Pulp Fiction!

    ...that said, Wild Hogs was a definite attempt to distance himself with all that leather and machismo posturing...wait a minute...four guys on holiday rediscovering themselves...!

    Great stuff guys! :)

    1. Also, I'll just add that I was at the DVD store today, and I saw the blu-ray for Old Dogs. He totally doesn't look gay on the cover. Totally.


  4. "What a predicament!"

    Sorry, this just seemed like one of the few contexts in which I could shoehorn in that line.

    1. That goes well with the first picture in the article.

    2. wow a "Broken Arrow" reference! well played sir!

    3. or was that "Face Off"? either way it's WOO-Tastic!

    4. Face/Off - Woo!*

      * A happy coincidence that "Woo!" is Nic Cage's favorite word to say in movies.