Thursday, May 31, 2012

Prometheus Defies Expectations and Basic Math by Becoming First Film to Average Over 100% on Rotten Tomatoes

Ridley Scott's Prometheus has been on the mind of every self-respecting film buff whose head isn't made of cheese for the past few months now. It's no secret that nerd boners are at the beck-and-call of any small tidbit of information regarding the film or its production, and with that in mind, I felt a certain sense of movie blogger duty to shine some light on the sci-fi masterpiece's place in movie history. Yes, you heard me correctly. History has been forever altered as Prometheus vaults into the uncharted territory of movies rated higher than 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I'm not asking you to take such a large piece of information without proof. Rotten Tomatoes already has a few films rated at 100%, but nothing like this. By simply looking at every movie ever rated, I was able to crunch all the appropriate numbers, and as it turns out, Prometheus is the greatest movie ever made. Sure, it's not actually in theaters yet, but once it hits...damn. Holy shit. Just you watch out.

128% means Prometheus has more to offer the world than you or your children ever will.

To commemorate the milestone, GPS sat down with Ridley Scott, the mastermind behind Alien and Prometheus, to further delve into what it's like to have created the best thing this planet has to offer. Twice.

"Well, you know," Scott remarked. "It's humbling, of course, to be the director of the greatest film known to man. But at the end of the day, what other outcome was really even possible? I mean, this thing is around 30 years in the making, right? Whatever you see come June 8th, 2012, you will like it. To what degree, I don't know. But you will like it."

 Scott's words will most likely end up withstanding the test of time, as Prometheus hovers ever-so-subtly closer on the human race's calendar of world-altering events.

Michael Fassbender counts himself among the lucky few to experience Prometheus first-hand.

Still eight days from release, Prometheus already has moviegoers flocking to be the first in line at the ticket counters. In fact, with so many people standing around for prolonged periods, theater chains were given port-a-potties alongside every copy of the film.

Ridley Scott understands that you would rather piss yourself or die from water poisoning than miss out on the Prometheus premiere.

We found Gene Meskimen, 49, waiting outside the AMC 24 megaplex for the fabled release day to come and asked him about the conditions facing anyone hoping to watch Prometheus before next winter.

"Haaaaa, good luck!," Meskimen belted out. "I've been here since last Wednesday, and I count no less than thirty people in front of me. What? Oh, I get it. You're not getting my Prometheus ticket. Fuck you, Jack. Come and try to pry it from my dead, lifeless corpse."

 Gene Meskimen will not tolerate you trying to cut in line.

As far as GPS can tell, Prometheus' only direct rival come release day is Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted, which should sound the foghorn of defeat roughly 3.5 hours after its first theatrical showing.

Something about Prometheus screams "better than Madagascar 3," but I think Gene Meskimen might like it.

There's not really much else to say. Prometheus will go down in history as required viewing for every aspiring filmmaker. It's that simple. I only wonder if future film classes will be able to adequately discuss how June 8th, 2012, changed the lives of millions of people. Where will you be when Prometheus hits theaters?


  1. Haha! Gene Meskimen is a national treasure....Also Prometheus will change our lives forever.

    1. I wish I could track him down again and get a pic with him.

  2. A lot of people are Prometheus, but I'm Antimetheus due to my contrarian nature.

    1. Now I'M going to steal all your fishguts. *spits* *grows bigger beard*