Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Breaking News: John Carpenter is Still Alive.



I was minding my own business this morning when someone bumped into me in the street. He almost spilled my frappuccino vanilla bullshit, so I was about to punch him in his stupid face. Then I saw who's face it actually was. As it turns out, it was John Carpenter, who is still alive.


Unfortunately, Mr. Carpenter didn't have time for a proper interview, but I was at least able to get an answer as to why he led me to believe he died like ten years ago, sometime after he made Ghosts of Mars.

"Well," Carpenter said, "Have you ever seen Cat in the Brain? It's a movie where Lucio Fulci plays himself, and he has all these bizarre and terrifying hallucinations. He was basically going crazy because of all the horrific stuff he did in his films. In a sense, his own horror was haunting him. I started seeing some stuff, and I didn't want to go down that road."

I found that intriguing, but it still didn't explain why he never told his fans that he didn't fall off a cliff somewhere shortly after the turn of the century.

The one-time director was in a rush, but he told me that he was "late for a meeting with Laurie Strode. There's something terribly important I have to tell her, so I gotta go."

That was the last thing he said to me before disappearing into a crowd of people while screaming "Out of the way!"

Until today, this was the last known photo of John Carpenter.

This was taken hours ago while Carpenter waited at a college for someone he thought was Laurie Strode.

 He briefly got up to ask a passerby if she knew anyone named Laurie, but all she could do was point him in the direction of the help desk.

He left the building when nobody showed up, but our sneakiest intern followed him to this undisclosed location, where he continued to wait for Ms. Strode.

As far as we can tell, Carpenter is still waiting.

While I may have my doubts about Carpenter avoiding the pitfalls of insanity that he spoke of, I'm happy to know the guy is still alive.

17 comments:

  1. I love it! John Carpenter needs to make the most magnificent comeback ever and pretty much have a new start and return to the form he was at in the 70s. I new he couldn't leave his legacy with such lousy final films hahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just added The Ward to my queue, so I'll be watching that within the next couple of weeks. I'm excited for it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha, that was great. He definitely needs a good movie right now. The Ward was ok, but he should make another film in the vein of Vampires or Big Trouble In Little China.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I actually kind of dig "vampires" in a guilty pleasure sort of way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Big Trouble in Little China...one of the very best all time great classics in film history (and The Thing)

    @Phobos...The Ward ins't terrible; decent flick but the man has done better work for sure. Check out the commentary though, that's the best part of the movie.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Ty I agree fully.

    @Marc I also fully agree about Big Trouble and The Thing. Yea, I'm not expecting another classic from The Ward, but it's been so long since I've seen a new Carpenter movie that I'm 100% ready for it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was a bit shocked to learn that it had been like 8 years between The Ward and whatever came before it. Strange - the guy has to be the least celebrated director in relation to classics made. Then again, I kind of feel the same way about John Landis. Fact is, neither have made anything approaching 'classic' status in over two decades. Sad.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Dylan......so true about Landis. Oh do I love me some American Werewolf. The last thing I remember him directing......sadly.....Beverly Hills Cop III.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't ever put "III" after "Beverly Hills Cop." Them's fightin' words.

    ReplyDelete
  10. George Lucas has a cameo in Beverly Hills Cop pt....trois.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That makes it even worse.

    From now on, it shall be named "California Policeman: Amusement Park Adventure"

    ReplyDelete
  12. Los Angeles Metro Area Detective the Third

    That Rich City Near Hollywood Pig Numero Tres

    As I mentioned on a recent podcast...watch 2 and 3 back to back sometime (if you dare) - I think pt trois gets a bad rap, as #2 is pretty sketchy as well.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I haven't watched it in years, but I don't know if I buy that crap about the 2nd one being sketch. We shall see. Thanks to that Coming to America review, I'm thinking of doing an Eddie Murphy marathon.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love me some Bridget Nielsen in Cop II! apparently Dylan's not falling for the banana in the sequel tailpipe.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Banana in the tailpipe = #1!

    I love me some Brigitte as well, but she's really not in it much. It starts off pretty well, but becomes ridiculous in no time. I figured #2 was close to on par with #1, but that just ain't the case.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I kind of wanted to punch her in the face in Mortal Kombat, though.

    ReplyDelete
  17. That's what happens when the guy who can't think says something.

    Strike my previous comment from the record.

    ReplyDelete