Friday, October 7, 2011

Contemporary Goonies Too Lazy To Save Town From Foreclosure


The bulldozers are finally on their way to Astoria Oregon homes after a twenty six year wait. Real estate mogul Troy Perkins gets the last laugh, and the neighborhood lovingly referred to as "The Goon Docks" will get demolished and replaced with a multimillion dollar country club. The town was spared from the wrecking ball back in 1985 after some local kids who called themselves "The Goonies" unearthed the treasure of the infamous pirate One-Eyed-Willy. The resourcefulness of these plucky kids became the stuff of legend, but it seems their contemporary counterparts lacked the drive and resolve to save their home when they had the chance. Another pirate treasure map was found in the attic of the Walsh home that promised the riches and spoils of one of Willy's lesser known crew members Drunk Ass Jack. The money from Jack's treasure could have boosted Astoria's flailing economy and re-established its reputation as a thriving town, but the map disappeared and found its way into the hands of Perkins and his corporate lackies. GPS set out to unravel the mystery of Drunk Ass Jack and the new Goonies who apparently now say die.

The Walsh attic once again promises pirate booty

We started at the Walsh home now occupied by the adult "Mikey" Walsh and his family. Mike took over as curator of the Astoria museum after his father passed away. The museum was preparing another One-Eyed-Willy pirate exhibition, and Mike was searching his father's belongings in the attic for anything he could add to the show when he stumbled across Jack's map. "Pop always figured one got away from Willy........Drunk Ass Jack must have ran off with a pile of loot and buried it in his own booby trapped cave!," Walsh elatedly explained. "I figured my kids and I could save our home from that fuck-chop Troy, and I'd be able to relive my Goonie glory days!"

The treasure map could have led the new Goonies to.....


Drunk-Ass-Jack.........


and his hidden stash of loot


However his two kids Mikey Jr. and Seth had no intentions of embarking on another one of their father's crazy Goonie adventures. "We always hated the whole Goonie thing," Mikey Jr. revealed. "But we played along to make Dad happy.......we'd much rather stay inside and watch Family Guy then crawl around in some gross ass cavern looking for stupid pirate shit." When asked if he knew what happened to the map, Mikey Jr. was hesitant to answer. "OK.....I traded it to my friend Bloat for an Xbox live gift card," he admitted. "Dad's a hoarder and we just figured he'd lose it sooner or later in his huge piles of junk." The plot thickened, and we were off to see Bloat.

Mikey Walsh.....dreaming of one last Goonie adventure


Mikey Jr. & Seth just want to chill out to Family Guy reruns

Bloat wasn't too thrilled to speak to us about the missing map, but he begrudgingly invited us in and told us what he knew. "I followed the map to a cave..........but as you can see, I'm not the kind of guy that can easily squeeze myself into tight spaces," Bloat told us with just a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "The bottom line is that I gave up and traded the map to a homeless mongoloid man on the way home for a bag of weed.....you guys wanna smoke a doobie?" But if Bloat gave the map to a homeless mongoloid, how did Troy Perkins get a hold of it?  There was only one way to find out, and we refused to leave Astoria without completing the puzzle. It was time to interrogate Troy.

Bloat....ready to truffle, shuffle, and smoke some doob

We made an appointment and got in to see Troy at his swanky uptown Astoria firm. The receptionist greeted us warmly and served us some truly delicious coffee while we waited for Mr. Perkins. After a short wait, Troy came in with a huge shit eating grin on his face. "Fellas.......good to see you," Troy said in a snarky tone. "I guess since you're here, I might as well tell you everything!" We learned that Troy obtained the map from the homeless mongoloid man for a bucket of Baby Ruth candy bars. That didn't exactly seem like a fair trade to us, but Troy insists the man is being well taken care of. "We gave the guy a makeover, stuck him in a shirt and tie, and we let him sleep in one of the storage rooms downstairs with all the candy bars he can gobble down!" Perkins also told us that they are even naming the club after their new best friend. "Slothwood Country Club and Golf Course has such a nice ring to it doesn't it?" Troy asked."He made us filthy stinking rich......it's the least we can do for the idiot!"

For making Troy millions with the map.......


Sloth gets a makeover......


 unlimited RUTH...RUTH....RUTH....BABY


and Slothwood Country club named after him

It's a dark day indeed for the Goon-Dock folks that must now seek out new living arrangements as demolition day grows ever closer. GPS was also shocked to learn that a notorious Italian crime family known as the Rizzos robbed a bank and went on a murderous rampage across Oregon. Whatever happened to the days when mere children took the initiative to locate lost treasure and defeat mafia crime lords? Sadly.......those days must be gone.




2 comments:

  1. I hung out with Seth Walsh once. What a dickhead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Dylan......isn't he though? really!

    ReplyDelete