Bill O'Reilly to Star in Sequel to David Fincher's The Game

Set for release sometime in 2014, the sequel to David Fincher's psychological thriller, The Game, has just found its new leading man. Bill O'Reilly, political commentator and Culture Warrior for Fox News, has signed on to the project, but with some major stipulations. O'Reilly has said on the record that he wants the ending of the film to be "...totally up to me. I call the shots, alright? I know the material. You don't."



The story as we know so far is basically the same as the original film: O'Reilly's character will start off being the most massive prick ever thought possible, and through some careful manipulation, he will be forced into a deadly game of attrition by Consumer Recreation Services. In The Game, Michael Douglas was required to do a few physical stunts in order to get away from CRS. However, we here at GPS are doubtful O'Reilly would be up to the same task. Would a 63-year-old crotchety guy who gets paid to sit on his ass and yell at people all day be able to hang from a fire escape and jump into a dumpster?

Probably not, but he hangs out there a lot in real life, so who knows?

Aside from the nearly-impossible physicality the role would require of O'Reilly, there's also the matter of making the film actually mean something. When Michael Douglas' character found out what his whole ordeal had really been about, he was grateful to his friends and family for caring enough to help him get his life back on a more empathetic track. O'Reilly doesn't like that message. "I would have sued Sean Penn's ass off," the Pinheads and Patriots author said. It looks like any themes of redemption or realizing you're a complete douchebag will be thrown out the window in favor of litigious behavior and power-tripping. "In fact, since I'll have total creative control over every aspect of the film, that's what I'm going to do. Rewrite! Since my character will have gone through enormous physical and mental stress due to disgusting displays of undue authority, fuck them. Who do they think they are? Do they know who I am? My character will start out rich, get robbed of his money by a government-like entity, but triumph in the end and come out even richer. That seems fair to me."

Soon after this scene, everyone will wish O'Reilly had missed landing on the fireman's airbag.

Jon Voight is rumored to direct, but that is still unsubstantiated. More on the story as it unfolds.