Bill O'Reilly to Star in Sequel to David Fincher's The Game

Set for release sometime in 2014, the sequel to David Fincher's psychological thriller, The Game, has just found its new leading man. Bill O'Reilly, political commentator and Culture Warrior for Fox News, has signed on to the project, but with some major stipulations. O'Reilly has said on the record that he wants the ending of the film to be "...totally up to me. I call the shots, alright? I know the material. You don't."

Disney Acquires Christianity from the Vatican for Un-Godly Sum

Not happy to rest on their laurels, Disney has just acquired Christianity for $20 billion by way of the largest financial deal in modern history. The Vatican made its intellectual property available three days ago, and a fierce bidding war ensued up until the final minute. The State of Israel, headed by Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, had a strong start in the negotiations, but over the last day or so bowed out due to lack of finances. It seems Disney was able to offer a larger, more immediate cash injection as its main incentive, and as a result, now owns the rights to such famous characters as Abraham, Noah, John the Baptist, and - most notably - Jesus Christ. Though the Vatican may have passed the Christian franchise on to a new generation of entertainers, they will still remain busy as majority shareholders for Romano's Macaroni Grill.