Friday, February 13, 2009

Just some super slasher love for some other movie killers!

Our favorite goalie mask sporting killer is back (or back to the beginning) for another round of naked teen evisceration and I hear it's actually getting some decent reviews. In honor of the big V man's triumphant return, I decided to compose a list and give props to some of the other guys that the slasher genre has produced over the years. It's just a showcase of some of my favorite movie fiends in no particular order.........enjoy!

Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 1986)

Rooker plays the titular character based on real life serial killer Henry Lee Lucas. Kind of like the Dark Knight's Joker, he has no motivation.......he just kills for shits and giggles. Henry and his roomate Otis take you on a murder and rape rollercoaster ride that will make you feel absolutely disgusted with yourself for watching. The most frightening thing about Henry is that we know there are sick bastards like this prowling our neighborhoods and sizing up their next victims.

Michael Rooker as Henry

Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding- 1000 Corpses and Devil's Rejects)

They cannot be reasoned with, and due to insane amounts of crystal meth, they cannot feel pain. They are rednecks and they frighten the dog-shit out of me. If you have ever been to an off the beaten path gas station in the turd-hole deep south, you might know what I am talking about. There are people out there with no hair, no teeth, and no realization that the civil war is over just waiting to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. People like Captain Spaulding. Just buy your fucking gas and leave.......don't eat his chicken.....don't use the toilet.......just hold your water and piss on the side of the road. If pay at the pump is is highly recommended. Nuff said!

gas station guy + clown makeup = might be a redneck

Bill Moseley (Otis B. Driftwood- 1000 Corpses and Devil's Rejects)

As if clown makeup wearing gas pumping rednecks wasn't enough, they also breed. Otis B. Driftwood is the son of Sir Captain Spaulding, and this guy is a chip right off the ole southern block. I actually have nightmares about this guy and the things that he is capable of. Catch him in a good mood and he may only blow the brains out the back of your head with a gun. But if he's feeling rather pissed off and playful, he's more likely to skin your face off with a knife while you are still alive and wear it for the rest of the day. He also sleeps with dead cheerleaders, and not even Dateline's Chris Hansen could come up with a show to catch this predator. He is the devil....and he's here to do the devil's work.

Don't fuck with Otis

Bill Moseley (Chop Top-Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 1986)
Another southern fried creation courtesy of Bill Moseley. What can I say about Chop-Top? He's a Vietnam vet with a metal plate in his head. He likes to scrape the flesh around the plate with a coat hanger........cook for a few seconds with his trusty bic lighter.....then wah lah! He gets a tasty treat that's fun to eat. If a self cannibalizing psycho who will beat your head in with a hammer doesn't scare you, then maybe the fact that Leatherface is his brother will!

Lick my plate you dog dick!

? (as potato sack Jason-Friday the 13th Part II 1981)
Who really gives a shit about which actor plays Jason? He never has any lines anyways. Potato sack Jason gets a mention for being the first time he truly had the camp to himself. Plus at this point in the series, he was still human. So when last one alive girl kicks him in the balls......amazingly.....he goes down. Everybody loves the hockey mask, but I prefer the sack! My only question is what kind of dumb shit only cuts out one eyehole in his potato sack psycho mask? He would have much better teen stalking vision with two. Idiot!

for future reference, 2 eyes are better than 1

Beatrice Dalle (La Femme-Inside 2007)
If you have not seen "Inside" then shame on the muther-fuckin-you! Don't ever call yourself a horror fan again. La Femme takes the Michael Meyers approach skulking in the shadows while waiting for the perfect moment to strike. She doesn't really want to kill her prey.......she just wants to cut a nine month pregnant mother's baby out of her womb, and if she dies as a result.......bonus.

Yes.....this is a woman

? (monster- The Funhouse 1981)
The only thing creepier than rednecks are redneck carnival people. I have no sympathy whatsoever for the dumb fuck teens in this flick who decide it would be a great idea to spend the night hiding in a carnie funhouse. In case you have not been following since the beginning of the list.....lets review. 1) Rednecks are scary. 2) They often breed. Now another thing you have to know is that rednecks often breed with members of their own family. This results in the inbred redneck man monster that terrorizes the kids in the funhouse. They deserve gruesome fates for their most illogical movie stupidity that they put on display.

I am my own uncle
That's it.......feel free to add something you feel is worthy to be on this list!

No comments:

Post a Comment