Wednesday, February 15, 2012

College Professor Claims "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" Historically Inaccurate

February has been relatively good to the 16th President of the United States of America. This month has celebrated his 203rd birthday, and the teaser trailer for "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" has been enthusiastically received by film geeks. But not all is well for the tall bearded one's legacy. Recent claims of factual inaccuracy have been leveled at the new film by a history teacher at San Dimas University. Professor Ted Theodore Logan has recently been criticizing the new movie with remarks like, "this Abraham Lincoln vampire stuff is just totally BOGUS!" GPS traveled to the campus in California to learn how the filmmakers aren't being so honest about Abe.

Professor Logan claims new Lincoln film is historically BOGUS

Professor Logan was generous enough to spend his lunch hour with us before his next class, and he was anxious to set the record straight on Abraham Lincoln. "Look.....I spent quite a bit with this dude when I was a teenager, and at no point did he ever claim to be some sort of vampire slayer." The mere fact that Logan claims to have known a man who has been dead for over two centuries perplexed us, but we continued to listen and pretend that he wasn't absolutely shit-bonkers-insane. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but he TOTALLY helped my buddy Bill and I pass a crucial history report back in the 80's. He was a most EXCELLENT dude, and I have photos that will expose this new film as bullshit," Logan said angrily. "The trailer shows him swinging an axe, but I happen to know the only thing he swung with great momentum was a softball bat when he played with us after class! He was a totally non-violent DUDE, look at this pic and see for yourself!" The picture he handed us showed Abraham Lincoln excitedly holding a softball bat, but we were still weren't ready to buy his story. 

the trailer shows Abe swinging a mighty axe.....

 but Ted claims he only swung a bat that scored four in softball

 The professor then proceeded to show us more pictures to prove he wasn't lying. "This is Abe with Bill and I talking to our history class back at San Dimas High. Compare it to any known photos of the real guy and you'll see history is on my side!" An old black and white does include a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to Abraham Lincoln standing in a 1988 San Dimas High School classroom with a much younger Ted. A more revealing color pic put any doubts we may have had to rest. The photos also unbelievably seemed to show other historical figures like Socrates, Beethoven, and Sigmund Freud with Professor Logan and his friend Bill. We were then convinced that if anybody had precious insights about the former president's life, it must be Logan.

1988 black & white classroom photo

color photo of Bill, Ted, Abe Lincoln, and other historical figures

Happy that we seemed to be converted to his way of thinking, the professor invited us to watch his band perform later that night. "We call ourselves THE WYLD STALLYNS, come check us out if you can. We totally rock!" Logan might have proved his case to us, but the studios behind "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" have no plans to alter their revisionist history pic. Abe Lincoln will still be staking the undead this summer in a theater near you.

Wyld Stallyn Logan totally rocking out dude!



  1. Ahah, I immediately thought that historically it's probably a baseball bat instead of an ax... how uncanny! :) Good one, Markus!

  2. Thanks Ruth. Great minds think alike right?

  3. This professor seems like a righteous dude.

  4. Hilarious! Loved the softball bit!

  5. Thanks Ty. Been wanting to do something on Bill & Ted for a while. This seemed like a good fit.

  6. I think this Professor Logan is onto something... Nope, impossible :)

  7. doubt Professor Ted Theodore Logan? That's just BOGUS!

  8. Awesome post as usual, I think I could use Lincoln on my softball team. Did the prof happen to mention if he played short stop?

  9. @3guys...thanks for stopping by! I think Abe could handle short stop!