Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Murder Mystery Reveals Everyone In Sweden Speaks And Writes In English

A disgraced journalist and mentally troubled computer hacker made headlines recently in Stockholm Sweden after solving a decades old murder case. After disappearing and thought to be dead for over forty years, Harriet Vanger was found alive and well, but the biggest mystery coming out of the Northern European country is why everyone there apparently speaks and writes in English. The phenomena was discovered after details of the duo's exploits were reported by news outlets around the world, and language experts are baffled as to how an entire dialect could simply vanish without a trace much like Harriet did ages ago.

Dr. Bill Gables is a Swedish language professor at Yale, and he's quite concerned about what has been transpiring there lately. "The fact is if nobody speaks Swedish anymore, I have no students nor a fucking job," the distressed teacher says. When asked how he thought this could have happened, Dr. Gables had no answer. "It's truly an unsolvable puzzle..........and what about that journalist guy Blomkvist? In interviews, he sounds more like James Bond than Swedish Chef.....what the Hell is going on there?"

Gables with full class........for now...wonders why

this journalist guy............

doesn't sound like this chef guy

The intrigue continued when it was revealed that Blomkvist's mentally troubled research assistant Lisbeth Salander had recently assaulted her legal guardian with a tattoo ink gun. Salander alleges that Nils Bjurman had sexually assaulted her on numerous occasions, and she decided to tell him in perfectly tattooed English that his behavior would no longer be tolerated by inking a special message on his upper torso. It remains unclear as to why a Swedish girl would tattoo such a serious message on a Swedish man in English.

 Bjurman's shameful tattoo was inked in English.....

but should have been done in Swedish like this one

Authorities are relieved that Harriet has returned, but no one in Sweden seems to be concerned that their native language has not. In the meantime, all Ikea furniture stores have revamped their catalogs to better reflect the sudden linguistic shift.

S√ĄTER will now be known as couch


  1. Haha! Another hilarious post. Love the Swedish Chef bit!

    1. @Ty...thanks bud. we've been away from the smart-assery for way too long I'm afraid. feels good to be back!

  2. Happy you're back! Looking forward to your next funny post!

  3. And also girls in Sweden apparently pierce at least one of there nipples according to this one ;P

  4. ...I knew those Swedes were up to something! ;)