Saturday, July 11, 2009

Is Magic a Part of All Human Anatomy?

For centuries, we as a species have wondered what the limits of our bodies are. The questions range from how far our physical attributes can take us, to whether or not our mental capacity is tapped out. Are we more than the sum of our parts? Fear not, GREEN PEOPLE SOUP patrons; Albert VonBaren is here to answer your every burning question. Why, you ask? Because he has found a way to examine, rigorously test and quantify the amount of magic that is available for use in all of us. The answer might both surprise and shock you. Or not. But either way, the results are in. As in, science has answered the age-old question: can we exact physical change on the world around us using our mind alone?

Find out the answer after the jump.

Dr. Albert VonBaren, a neuroscientist at Oxford, has repeatably demonstrated where and how magic is used in the human body. But first, before we get into the meat of his findings, lets recap Dr. VonBaren's academic study and career output.

Born in Austria, Albert VonBaren was interested in the sciences at an early age. By the time his 12th birthday rolled around, he had written a half-dozen dissertations on the esoteric and metaphysical meanings of life and death. By 18, he had become a published author, with his New York Times best-selling book, entitled "Chemistry and Free Will: Are They Compatible?" affecting the minds of approximately 2.5 million readers. To say that neuroscience is his specialty would be to disregard his years of study in various other disciplines, and would also necessitate a slight on his character. He is a genius of envious heights. I only present this information as a kind of guide to understanding that whatever scientific evidence he presents, it is most likely true in every sense that we as humans understand.

Albert VonBaren, age 23; two years after he emigrated from his native land, Austria. Computer science was a hobby of his since he can remember. The wood paneling and mid-level phone jacks prove his authenticity.

Before we're able to understand where magic comes from, we first need to understand a basic fact of life: every person is imbued with spiritual energy. The quicker we grasp that concept, the better. And if we were to listen to Dr. VonBaren, the spiritual energy necessary to affect physical change in the world around us is, in fact, "something that changes within the parameters of mental comprehension." That is to say that the more we are in tune with our capabilities, the more physical change we are able to manifest. Therefore, according to Dr. VonBaren, "It is not simply a matter of will; rather, it is a function of not only belief, but that of belief working in harmony with higher comprehension of magical ability." If it sounds over your head, that's because it probably is. Dr. VonBaren expounds on the previous statement by saying, "Not everyone is able to lift a table by looking at it. That much is obvious. The question I'm most interested in is, 'why?' And to that, I now have a definitive answer. The processes that take place inside the human body are vastly complex, and therefore, change according to certain criteria. What criteria, you ask? Well, first and foremost, mental focus."

Mental focus allows the physical to transcend its boundaries.

In order for GREEN PEOPLE SOUP to ascertain the truth of this claim, we enlisted the help of a random volunteer. The volunteer was given a table and chair, and his goal was to levitate both the table and chair using only his mind. Dr. VonBaren's role was to act as a guide; someone who could help our volunteer by instructing him in the ways of mental focus.

The initial outcome was far from encouraging. The volunteer tried to levitate the table and chair, but absolutely nothing happened. After about ten minutes of patiently waiting, Albert finally took him aside and offered his tempered wisdom.

When the volunteer re-emerged, he was able to lift the chair approximately ten inches in the air, unaided by any physical means. This was, to understate the occasion, incredible. Someone with no previous exposure to magical certitudes was able to physically alter the state of an object. When asked what he felt about how he performed, the volunteer simply stated "Albert helped me to see what my goal was." How profound is that?

Keep in mind the only thing the volunteer was able to lift was the chair. The desk was still firmly planted on the ground. Several attempts were made to at least make the table quiver; every attempt was thwarted by gravity and common sense. Ah, but gravity and common sense can be overcome. As witness to this, I submit Dr. VonBaren's second attempt at guidance. He pulled the volunteer aside again, and the results were self-explanatory. Within moments of coming out of the "spiritual huddle," our volunteer lifted both the table, chair, and a few pieces of my equipment into the air for 2 minutes, 39 seconds. To this reporter, obviously, the results were astounding.

Our volunteer's success was obvious. Physical matter doesn't hold a candle to mental focus and application.

Once again, Dr. VonBaren's wisdom and knowledge ruled the day. "It's not the simple act of trying; it is the complex act of believing and acting upon that certain belief." No truer words were ever spoken in this reporters midst, and I, for one, am forever indebted to Dr. Albert VonBaren for instilling within me the conviction and belief that I can change matter itself.

We took these results to Hogwarts, and when asked to comment, a school official said only that "certain people are able to use conjuration, charms and spells. I would like to see the hard data showing anyone can lift a table. I just don't think it's possible. I seriously doubt this volunteer would get into Hogwarts." Dr. VonBaren certainly disagrees, and even goes so far as to suggest litigation. "These results hint at the possibility of students not being allowed into Hogwarts based upon a false premise."

[editor's note] It is not the position of GREEN PEOPLE SOUP that anyone can physically affect the status of an object. Trying to do so can, and quite probably will, cause actual harm on the participants, and can also result in permanent disability. GREEN PEOPLE SOUP is not liable for any harm or injury acquired by any means inside of the aforementioned magical abilities. Attempt at your own risk.

No comments:

Post a Comment