Saturday, January 31, 2009

Horror Movie Remakes - The Cash Cow's Tits Are Raw and Bleeding.




I just finished watching the Halloween remake by Rob Zombie, and I have some things to say. First and foremost: why? Why remake this? The first problem with it is the fact that it even tries to humanize Michael Meyers in any capacity. Yes, I see the angle Zombie was going for. He became a monster because his childhood was shitty. That, and he had no sense of right or wrong - more so than most people with shitty childhoods. The first half of the film is about just how shitty his was, and that's all fine and dandy. But the second half is about the super-human freak of nature he became, and yes, he is a fucking monster. He might as well have been a demon from hell, and the way the film tried to ground him in reality only served to make half of the movie pointless. Which half that is depends on what you found more interesting. Myself, I prefer Michael Meyers to be the personification of pure evil, and he definitely embodies that to perfection in both versions. And sure, there's tits and lots of killing. In fact, my favorite parts were when he was a perfect storm of death and destruction. But again, showing him as a child with a mother he seems to love and a sister he doesn't want to kill totally goes against everything his character stands for. The other thing the first half ruins is all the tension the original film got so right. It spends so much time building up Meyers the person that when he gets shot 3 times from close range with a .357 magnum and keeps going, well, I just don't see why this movie even bothered with the character setup.


But that movie alone isn't what I want to talk about. The word for today is "remake." And more importantly, the question I want to ask is why the fuck are there so many of them? We all know how fond Hollywood is of taking other people's work, putting American actors in place of whoever was there first, and sticking it in theaters to make some dough. But are you really aware of just how many remakes there are of horror movies alone? No? Good, because I'm going to tell you. My list is probably far from complete, but I think it will give you a pretty damn good indication of just how creatively void the people responsible for most of these are. There are some good remakes on the list, but I included every remake of a horror movie I could think of, good or not. The list is also in no particular order. I hope you're ready:


The Amityville Horror
Friday the 13th
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Fog
Halloween
Halloween 2
Last House on the Left
The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills Have Eyes 2
A Tale of Two Sisters ( The Uninvited )
Ringu ( The Ring )
Pulse ( Kairo )
Shutter
Ju-on ( The Grudge )
Ju-on 2 ( The Grudge 2 )
Dark Water
Dawn of the Dead
Prom Night
My Bloody Valentine ( 3D )
Let the Right One In
One Missed Call
When a Stranger Calls
Willard
Psycho
The Omen
Black Christmas
The Wicker Man
Premonition
The Hitcher
House of Wax
The Haunting
House on Haunted Hill
Thirteen Ghosts
Hellraiser
The Eye
Phone
A Nightmare on Elm Street
[REC] ( Quarantine )
Mirrors ( Into the Mirror )
Infection
The Birds
The Host
Long Weekend
Piranha ( 3D )
Poltergeist
Susperia
The Wolf Man


Holy fucking shit, that's 47 movies right there. And that's pretty much just what I could come up with on my own, plus a few I randomly checked up on, and sure enough, they were being remade. That's pretty goddamn bad when I can just randomly pick a horror movie out of thin air, and it's actually being done. I mean, seriously, this is fucking awful. Just look at all of this - this whole decade is full of mostly asstastic American ripoffs. It's really shameful in my eyes, and god knows how the studios dupe enough people over and over and over and over again to go see this horseshit. Can you name me one good, original horror movie to come out in the last 5 years from this country? And no, I won't let you count The Strangers, as that's pretty much based off of Ils (Them). So what the fuck? The latest taste of shit I got was when I watched the trailer of The Uninvited for the second time. Before doing so, I happened to skim through the synopsis, and what's this? Two sisters come back home from being in a mental hospital after their mother commits suicide, and creepy things happen? Dear God in Heaven, this day has finally arrived. Kim Jee-Woon's A Tale of Two Sisters has finally been remade, and now there's puke all over my keyboard. They didn't even have enough respect to keep its title. The Uninvited? Seriously? how about The Unoriginal, or The Unworthy? Do you know what I am right now? Uninterested.


And let me tell you another thing: Dario Argento and Alfred Hitchcock are off-fucking-limits. Period. Fuck whoever wants to touch anything directed by those two men. And Let the Right One In? The DVD for that damn movie hasn't even released yet, and this shit's already happening. Jesus, I think I just went blind in one eye. That just gave me an idea for an original horror movie, though. A man sees to many remade classics and goes blind. But instead of seeing nothing, his mind replays Psycho over and over, but its fucking Anne Heche instead of Janet Leigh. Oh, the nightmares that will inspire. And the argument that without these remakes, a lot of people wouldn't know about the originals is complete shit. Some of these movies aren't even 5 years old, so that's about all of that nonsense I want to hear.


We Americans need to get our fucking heads out of our asses and make some good horror movies again. Sam Raimi is trying, but he's only one man. One man who's going to show every dumbass suit buying up every license for every fucking film a thing or two. Drag Me to Hell is going to be awesome, and I can't wait to pay money to see it. On the opposite end of the spectrum, this weekend I'm going to go see The Uninvited Assfuck Fest for a review, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give them any money for raping me. I'm going to buy a ticket to Taken instead, and just go into a different theater. I'm still giving money to people I want to keep making movies, so I feel like Michael Meyers in a way - my conscience doesn't see the wrong in it.




THIS COUNTRY HAS LOST ITS SOUL.


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