The Necronomican Ex Mortis (roughly translated as Book of the Dead) has recently been one of Amazon.com's bestsellers for their popular Kindle e-reader, but reports are coming in that millions of users are being subjected to dead-ite terror after purchasing the title.When speaking certain passages from the book aloud, readers risk the possibility of Kandarian demons consuming their bodies and souls. Amazon is in complete damage control mode now as they try to wake up from the PR nightmare that has ensued.
Initially unearthed by Professor Raymond Knowby while surveying the ruins of Castle Kandar, the Necronomican drew critical raves from those who were interested in how to resurrect demons and give them license to possess the living. Not having to deal with medieval copyright, Knowby made a small fortune selling the book to the online retail giant. Says Knoby of the demonic tome, "It's bound in human flesh and written in blood so I'm keeping the original to sell on e-bay someday, but I figured people could easily transfer this sucker to the Kindle!" Now the customer support center at Amazon is being overwhelmed, and the I.T. staff has been operating around the clock in an attempt to quell the dead-ite infestation.
The Amazon call center staff working diligently
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos maintains that everything is currently under control and Kindle users should soon be able to enjoy the Necronomicon without fear of having their souls swallowed. "Our computer nerds are the absolute best in the biz..... this is just a simple glitch and a patch is already available for our customers to download," declared Bezos.
Jeff Bezos "We've fixed the glitch"
The I.T. staff certainly had their work cut out for them with this unique troubleshooting situation. "At first only total body dismemberment seemed to be a viable solution, but after closely scrutinizing our own copy of the book, we found the answer," said the confident lead technician. But the computer experts warn users to carefully follow instructions when downloading the patch. "When you are ready to update your e-Necronomicon, you must type these words exactly in the fields marked with an asterisk.....KLAATU BARADA NIKTO.......make sure you spell check that shit!," the staff advised.
The I.T. staff fixes problem but warns "NO TYPOS" when patching
....or end up like her
It looks as though Amazon will weather this storm and there still seems to be a frothing demand for the Necronomicon Ex Mortis on Kindle. Users should no longer worry about being possessed by dead-ites because everything is OK now.