Sunday, November 6, 2011

After 34 Minutes In, Blogger Realizes There's Still 2 Hours To Go In Transformers 3


It took about thirty four minutes. That breaks down to two thousand forty seconds. Every now and then, I'm in the mood to watch Bay porn, but the Gods of incoherent robot smashing action did not favor him on this day. After what felt like an eternity, I checked the counter to see how much longer I had to endure the antics of Sam Witwicky and his comical sidekick auto-bots. I was in shock to learn there was still two hours to go. Two hours breaks down to one hundred twenty minutes. That breaks down to seven thousand two hundred seconds. After considering masturbating with a cheese grater which is slightly amusing but basically painful, I decided to let the film run and see how much more productive I could be with those two hours.

about two hours to go......

how could I make more productive use of two hours?

I realized the dishes needed to be done and got busy. Scraping petrified macaroni and cheese off of plates that have been sitting around all weekend is serious business. I doubt even the great Optimus Prime could tackle such a chore without blowing the circuits out of his all-spark. Washing the dishes ended up being much more entertaining than the first thirty four minutes of Transformers 3. Time flies when you're having fun right? I figured the movie had to be almost over so I went to check. No dice. Still an hour left. 

Wash-a-mus Prime VS the evil Petrified Macaroni-cons. Much more entertaining and productive than the first 34 minutes of Transformers 3

explosions, robots, humans in peril, and another hour left

It was a beautiful day here in Colorado, but daylight savings time ended this weekend. Maybe I could take my dog for a walk while there was still some sunshine left. Walking is great exercise that will benefit my health much better than watching Transformers would. After a couple of trips around the block, surely the Bay-Porn would be over by now right? Wrong. Much to my dismay, there was still around a half hour to go.

My dog about to give her opinion on Transformers 3. She is also available for freelance work.

Sam hangs on for dear life and apparently 30 more minutes

You might not think you can get a lot done in thirty minutes, but you'd be wrong. I was able to take the garbage out AND tidy up my living room. Michael Bay would have to agree that watching his film for another half hour wouldn't have been more productive than what I had accomplished in that time.

Trash ready to go

 time to clean the living room

When I went to check the count again, I noticed the film had mercifully ended with only the credits remaining. But what could I do to fill those last few minutes? Luckily I had a vintage Playboy from 1969 to flip through. I only have it because I enjoy the over forty year old articles. I guess in the end I should thank Bay for helping me with my time management skills. Thank you Mike.

with only the credits remaining......

I have time to flip through vintage Playboy. For the articles of course.



For more MarkusWelby Michael Bay torture click here







25 comments:

  1. HAHAHA Transformers 3 is a shocker huh? I think it is a good test of a movie lover to see it through. It should be used as torture for interrogation. Water Boarding is SOOOO last year.

    Great post matey

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  2. @Scott......I don't know why I keep giving Michael Bay a chance. Collectively now I've wasted almost 9 hours on this series.

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  3. It's loud, boombastic, Bayhem and walking out of the theater all I could muster was "I liked it...I think. There's were explosions and shiny stuff. I like that right, so ipso facto, I liked Transformers 3...right? right?"

    Then again I think that after a runtime of 2:34 you'll probably only praise you'll give something is that it ends:P

    I want to see this again but I'd be game for watching The Rock or The Island first...but you can't tell me that snake destroying the skyscraper (while highly improbable) wasn't just awesome?...oh that's right, that happened whilst you were vacuuming:P

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  4. @Marc.......actually I ended up watching it. I was just inspired to post this for some dumb reason. I really dig Optimus Prime and I love watching him kick-ass in these films. I don't know why, but I'm kind of addicted to Bay-porn.

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  5. Love the dog's review! Hilarious!

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  6. I watched this movie two weeks ago. I didn't think I could hate it more than the second installment but it might be the case. This was atrocious IMO and absolutely way too long. And damn, it was so cheesy in that painful, cringe-worthy way only Michael Bay knows how to do.

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  7. @Ty......she doesn't care for Bay.

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  8. @Castor.......I can't defend this film on any level yet something compels me to keep going back to Bay-porn for more torture.

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  9. Damn those Evil Petrified Macaroni-cons!

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  10. @Ty.....they taste so cheesy and delicious at first, but then they transform into concrete on the dirty plate.

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  11. This one was bad...like i don't think bay was even trying with this one. Some of the action scenes weren't bad, but overall it was a mess.

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  12. @dirtywithclass.......the sad thing is that I love Optimus. There could totally be a kick-ass movie with a great story and robot smashing mayhem if it was done right. Wish Spielberg didn't just serve as producer. I'd love to see him direct the next one.

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  13. After seeing this i totally understand why Shia jumped ship

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  14. @dirtywithclass.......jumped ship, but probably enjoying those hefty paychecks from this franchise.

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  15. I just noticed you use a lot of elipses. Not saying its a bad thing, its just something i noticed

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  16. @dirtywithclass....................................................................................................................................................what do you mean?

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  17. After seeing the first Transformers at a friend's house (obviously against my will), I shall never watch robots clanging against each other ever again.

    Btw, your response to the ellipses comment is a hoot! Darn near eclipse this article itself, Markus, ha..ha..

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  18. @ruth...actually I've been hearing that Real Steel was pretty entertaining. I can't help it, I'm a sucker for elipses for some strange reason.

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  19. I'd rather watch Dark of the Moon everyday for the rest of my life than sit through Real Steel again. Transformers isn't high art or even very good art but I find it entertaining in the most juvenile of ways.

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  20. @Movies Hate You Too...wow, I heard good stuff about Real Steel. Oh well never mind Ruth.

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  21. Inspired post, Markus, with some great lines. Petrified Maraconi-cons and the 40-year old articles were great.

    I had a similar experience with the second film (though I didn't get smart and be all productive like you) - just a lot of checking to see how much time was left and being left incredulous at the 98 minutes remaining or whatever. What a fucking joke - these pieces of shit shouldn't be more than 100 minutes (the ideal time for most movies, I'd add).

    I, too, am a chronic ellipses user...they're awesome.

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  22. @Dylan...I've been on a Bay kick recently for some bizarre reason. Even Bad Boys II is like two and a half hours long. They could have easily axed an hour out of that running time. But is it too much to ask for to get a decent film about giant transforming robots?

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  23. Confession: Never seen either Bad Boys flick.

    Not a confession: Don't really care if I do or not. I get it (them). And the fact that #2 is 2.5 hours long...ain't makin' me want to watch it anytime soon.

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  24. @Dylan...but there's witty banter, boobs, and blowin stuff up. you're not missing out, I'm just a masochist when it comes to Bay. I can't defend his work on any level yet I am compelled to suffer through it.

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