October 26th marked the ten year anniversary of Richard Kelly's bizarre cult classic "Donnie Darko." A decade later, fans and critics of the film still cannot say what the hell the movie is about. Darko is a beloved gem here at GPS, but we too are befuddled and unable to describe any sort of coherent plot summary. There's something about a guy in a creepy bunny suit, a fallen airplane engine, and Patrick Swayze is a pedophile........after that.....we're lost. GPS learned that a team of scientists at M.I.T. led by Dr. Abhay Gupta are constantly studying Darko's labyrinthine structure so that future generations can watch the film without being stupefied. We also caught up with some of the actors involved in the production and asked them to help us solve the Darko plot dilemma.
creepy bunny guy +........
a fallen airplane engine +......
Swayze likes children = ........
no fucking clue.
Dr. Gupta has been valiantly trying to decode Darko with his M.I.T. staff in the years since its release, and he feels that some progress has been made. "Donnie's sister's boyfriend is dressed like the bunny for Halloween in the future. He's the manipulated dead trying to convey a message to Donnie who is the living receiver that the world will end if the timeline is not repaired," Dr. Gupta declared. "The boyfriend dies in the future which is why he can be manipulated.......and......" Gupta suddenly looked perplexed and agitated. "Fucking shit-stained balls! I cannot articulate an accurate description in non-equational language!" Gupta proceeded to write out a series of non linear algebraic equations on a chalkboard which didn't exactly help our cause. The good doctor has even consulted renowned physicist Stephen Hawking about the plot of Darko. "Hawking gave up after watching only the first thirty minutes of the film," Abhay informed us. "He's got a killer rep......but let me just tell you.....the guy is a quitter and a brainless nincompoop!"
Dr. Gupta mathematically decoding Darko's plot
Hawking...quitter and brainless nincompoop
GPS hoped that speaking with some members of Darko's cast would help shed a little light on its baffling story. We spoke with Jolene Purdy who played the obese and often bullied character of Cherita Chen in the film. She was happy to chat with us, but when we asked her for a Darko synopsis she merely replied with, "CHUT UP!"
Jolene Purdy........"CHUT UP"
Noah Wyle played one of Donnie's teachers in the film, and we found him managing a Motel-6 in Topeka Kansas. He wasn't particularly enthused about the opportunity to reflect on one of his few non E.R. roles. "I was hoping Darko would be my big breakaway from E.R.......yeah right," Wyle said in a bitter tone. "My agent didn't know what it was about........we didn't know on the set.......and ten years later I still don't know......now piss off.....someone puked all over room 212 last night and my cleaning gals called in sick!"
Wyle can't explain plot, but will leave light on for you at Motel-6
It pains us to say that after a full decade of Donnie, we still scratch our heads when trying to explain its narrative configuration. We know that a direct to DVD sequel was made that perhaps addresses some of our unanswered questions, but could find no one who would admit to actually seeing it. Hopefully a 10th anniversary edition Blu-ray with new bonus features will help us all finally solve the riddle of Donnie's Deus Ex Machina, but don't hold your breath. GPS firmly believes that the plot of "Donnie Darko" will not be explained in our lifetime.