Friday, September 23, 2011

Clubber Lang to Face Involuntary Manslaughter Charges for Death of Mickey Goldmill



Rocky Balboa may yet see Micky "Mick" Goldmill's killer brought to justice. In 1982, Clubber Lang threw Goldmill into a metal railing in a fit of (possible) roid rage. Goldmill subsequently died of heart failure, but no one was ever questioned as to the nature of his death. 29 years later, the case has been re-opened by top law officials who are looking to right a "terrible, terrible injustice."


When reached for comment by phone, Lang told GPS that he would be representing himself in court. The former pugilist noted that, "I ain't goin' down. I never touched that old man. Even if I did, he had it coming. He called me a bum, and I don't back down from nobody." When asked his prediction for the outcome of the trial, he simply said, "Pain."

 Clubber Lang received his online law degree from Taft University in 2003. He plans to pity the fool who presents the brief in court.

Lang seemed deathly serious about his innocence, so GPS reached out to the prosecution in an attempt to ascertain the evidence for the involuntary manslaughter charge. Geoffrey Gantz, the lead prosecutor in the case, said, "This is in the bag. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but we have surveillance tapes from the night in question. It clearly shows the defendant engaging in activities that ultimately cost Mr. Goldmill his life." When asked to view the tapes, Gantz said nothing, but then he slowly slid a manila envelope across the table with a knowing look in his eyes.

video
The surveillance tapes were actually of a higher quality than we expected.

Our next move was to contact The Italian Stallion himself, Rocky Balboa. This case has an obvious impact on his life, so we wanted to hear his take on the situation. "He won't last 15 minutes in the ring with that, uh, jury, you know?" the champ stated. Balboa didn't seem to be up on every legal detail, but he was still confident that justice would prevail. "If he walks, I'll be waiting for him in the lobby. I've been punching a bunch of frozen meat while this whole thing went on, you know? This guy ain't nothin' but a bum, just like Mick told him."

 Balboa sizing up Lang's chances of successfully defending himself against the charges.

As of this writing, the trial date is set for April 24th, 2012. In the meantime, both parties vowed to "bring it." GPS isn't sure what that means, exactly, but we do know that sparks will fly come April. More on this story as it unfolds.

2 comments:

  1. LOL! Would love to be at that trial!

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  2. Yep. It would be one of those times I wish cameras were allowed in court rooms.

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