Monday, August 6, 2012

Green People Soup Doesn't Recall Total Recall



This is the funniest thing, but Markus and I don't remember watching Len Wiseman's Total Recall. Only vague images of explosions, jumping, and many elevators remain, but maybe we're just remembering something from a recurring dream or suffering from deja-vu. Weird right? We recollect being in the theater, and we remember driving home, but what the hell happened in-between?


Both Markus and I were excited for Total Recall. The cast looked great, and the abundant CG visuals appeared to be impressive. Something extraordinary must have happened during the time we were there up until now. Did someone not want us to remember the sci-fi blockbuster of the summer? It seems like the cinematic experience was almost completely erased from our brains, but as I prepared to write this post, I found a set of unusual pictures on my phone that might shed some light on the situation. Check this one out:

Alright, so I know for a fact we went to see the movie.

I have retained that there was a preview for The Bourne Legacy. Markus said he couldn't wait to see that one. Then, I know I opened a bag of nachos and started eating them. I usually only have about a third of them left by the time whatever movie I'm seeing starts, and I remember getting to around that point. Markus munched on a hot dog and complained about post-conversion 3D as the previews continued. Certain trivial details about the day remain crystal clear, and we know we were bracing for the awesomeness of Colin Farrell punching Bryan Cranston and Kate Beckinsale's delicious ass accent being projected on the big screen. But all of a sudden, we were in my car, and several hours had passed us by. The music in my stereo was booming, and I appeared to be driving home.

Perhaps the key to unlocking the mystery of our "Total Amnesia" lies in these photos. It seems like we had some sort of mind-altering procedure performed on us after the film was over, but who would do this and why?

What mind-altering procedure was this?

We're not quite sure why someone wanted the memory of seeing Len Wiseman's latest masterpiece stripped away from us, but we also find it strange that documentation was left for us to piece together the mystery. Was it a trail of bread crumbs?

Zapping memories away looks like it hurts.

I hate hospitals and needles, so I have no idea what could possibly compel me enough to go through with something like this. It must have happened against my will, and just looking at myself after the procedure sends chills up my spine.

I'm looking pretty drained at this point.

After the operation, it appears all Markus and I could do was stand there, stupefied. What were we thinking about? How did we get back to my car? It's not exactly pleasant to have the distinct feeling that something inside your head is missing, and that time has passed unbeknownst to you. Although, I wonder what the alternative was and if we would have been happy about remembering it?

Did we not like the movie? Did we see it? I guess we'll never know.

Upon giving up ever knowing what we thought of Total Recall 2012, we parted ways. Oddly enough, we both had the same idea once we settled back into our normal routines. We wanted to watch something awesome. Something kick ass. Something that holds up no matter what decade it's watched in. Apparently, only one movie came to both our minds:


Completely chaining together the sequence of events that led me to this post may be impossible, and I recently received a cryptic text on my phone that makes the whole situation even more puzzling. It reads: SORRY TO BE AN INDIAN-GIVER BUT I WAS HERE FIRST. SINCERELY, AHNOLD. P.S. I ENJOY THE SOUP. Now our minds are completely blown.

could it have been?.....no way!

20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. be careful.....what you think is real may not always be the case!

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  2. Replies
    1. Thanks Dan, we were attempting a little set design on this piece. I think it worked out pretty good.

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  3. Another AWESOME post. :D I'm impressed with the production values. Yes, you read that right. :D LOL.

    I wish that I could have this remake erased from my memory too. Unfortunately, I dont have one of those fancy head prop lights and dentist chair combos... :(

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    1. Appreciate it Fogs! I think Ed Wood may have been proud of our set! Actually, both of us agree that it wasn't really that bad. It was just kind of meh and unnecessary. Definitely not one that we'll remember for years to come like Arnie's.

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    2. I gave it a C. I didnt fail it. Sounds as if that might be where you'd shake out based on the comment.

      It just isnt worthy... and thus, you have to question why it happened. :(

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    3. It was bad in the sense that I don't really have any feelings about it whatsoever. Stuff happened, I wasn't engaged.

      Glad you like our dentist chair.

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  4. Spot on Fogs. I think if I were a 15 year old kid with no prior knowledge of Arnie's, I might dig this. I'm slightly biased too though because I love Bryan Cranston quite a bit though he also is no worthy substitute to Ronny Cox.

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  5. Too bad the new movie supposedly sucks. Total Recall is a classic and a remake should at least be decent.

    Great article...

    Wait, what if you never even left the movie theater? What if you're still there, getting lobotomized by the movie's shittyness?

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    1. I say check out the remake if you're curious. I thought it was decent, but I seem to be in the minority.

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    2. and Phobos tends to sweat a lot and I noticed tiny beads running down his forehead recently. That must mean that we are in our proper reality and not lobotomized......right?

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    3. If I'm being lobotomized, why can't I fantasize about having more money?

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  6. The Total Recall remake is a movie that takes place in the world of the original Total Recall, which is a movie that takes place in the story We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, which takes place in the world of the remake of Total Recall.

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    Replies
    1. and Deckard had a dream about the unicorn which leads me to believe he might actually be an android.

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  7. Hilarious post! There is no reason to see this remake of Total Recall! You can't beat Ah-Nuld!

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    1. I feel like I'll be black balled from the Ah-nold club for this, but I kind of dig the new one. I so didn't want to, but I did. What can I say, I'm a Beckinsale fan. She was rocking it in this one. Don't be afraid to at least check it out on DVD!

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    2. Will try to check it out when it comes to the library...do like Beckinsale and Cranston.

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