Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Terry Crews Narrowly Escapes Being Cut from The Expendables 2 after Stars Earn Stripes Debacle

Airing Mondays at 9pm on NBC, Stars Earn Stripes is a new reality TV show that features a bunch of celebrities trying to look like bad asses while actual bad asses show them how to do it. Each celebrity is paired with a military adviser, and they train as a team to win money for a charity. Terry Crews certainly fits the bad ass bill, right? I thought so, too. I was horribly, horribly mistaken.

Before I go any further, I think we should all be on the same page. Here's the full inaugural episode of Stars Earn Stripes:

It's an hour-and-a-half long. Watch it; I'll wait. Or, just skip to the one-hour mark.

For those of you foolish enough to not want to watch Todd Palin shoot grenade launchers and carry ammo crates through the mud, I'll give a brief recap.

The mission was this:

  1. Jump into the water from a helicopter
  2. Rendezvous with military advisers on a boat
  3. Ride the boat to shore
  4. Shoot some targets
  5. Put an ammo crate inside a shack

To me, that sounds like something Terry Crews does before breakfast. I mean, he was a football player, and he was in Terminator: Salvation and The Expendables. Well, as it turns out, he didn't make it past the first part of the mission. That's right; he had to be rescued from the water right out of the gate.

Sylvester Stallone got wind of this horrendous mishap, and he was none to happy. "Yea, I saw the footage. It's pretty bad when Nick Lachey kicks your ass. Jesus, man. I wanted to see Terry use a grenade launcher, but noooooo."

Sly is not impressed with Crews' inability to tread water.

When reached for comment, all Crews could muster was that he was "...sorry for letting everyone down, but hey! I sniped the shit out of that crate at the end! I'm still in this thing! I'm still a credible action star!"

Crews might be able to break your neck, but not if you get to the deep end of the pool first.

Stallone did make it clear, however, that Crews' appearance in the upcoming The Expendables 2 was not in danger of being cut out. "Everything's okay," Sly said. "He pulled it out in the end by clearing a room-full of target dummies and then shooting a piece of rope with a rifle. He's man enough for me. Just don't let him do any scenes in the rain."

With the premier of the movie only days away, we should all be happy that Terry Crews survived the harsh realities of a tightly-controlled television show environment. In the words of Dean Cain, who also participated in the show, "I could have really died!"


  1. You must not have seen any episodes of the TBS show Are We There Yet? After viewing an episode you'll be much more understanding of his Stars Earn Stripes performance.

    1. I...have not. And I'm pretty sure I'm too scared to now.

  2. Terry Crews. Didn't know his name but recognised the face. He was in last week's episode of The Newsroom with Emily Mortimer fondling his pecks! The lucky bugger!

    1. Dammit, now I have one more reason to be angry that I'm missing out on that show. I saw the pilot episode, but that's it.

  3. Todd Palin could be an action star...TODD PALIN in...Deadly Assault. Co-starring Gary Busy as the villain.