Airing Mondays at 9pm on NBC, Stars Earn Stripes is a new reality TV show that features a bunch of celebrities trying to look like bad asses while actual bad asses show them how to do it. Each celebrity is paired with a military adviser, and they train as a team to win money for a charity. Terry Crews certainly fits the bad ass bill, right? I thought so, too. I was horribly, horribly mistaken.
Before I go any further, I think we should all be on the same page. Here's the full inaugural episode of Stars Earn Stripes:
It's an hour-and-a-half long. Watch it; I'll wait. Or, just skip to the one-hour mark.
For those of you foolish enough to not want to watch Todd Palin shoot grenade launchers and carry ammo crates through the mud, I'll give a brief recap.
The mission was this:
- Jump into the water from a helicopter
- Rendezvous with military advisers on a boat
- Ride the boat to shore
- Shoot some targets
- Put an ammo crate inside a shack
- BLOW THAT FUCKING SHACK TO SHIT
To me, that sounds like something Terry Crews does before breakfast. I mean, he was a football player, and he was in Terminator: Salvation and The Expendables. Well, as it turns out, he didn't make it past the first part of the mission. That's right; he had to be rescued from the water right out of the gate.
Sylvester Stallone got wind of this horrendous mishap, and he was none to happy. "Yea, I saw the footage. It's pretty bad when Nick Lachey kicks your ass. Jesus, man. I wanted to see Terry use a grenade launcher, but noooooo."
Sly is not impressed with Crews' inability to tread water.
When reached for comment, all Crews could muster was that he was "...sorry for letting everyone down, but hey! I sniped the shit out of that crate at the end! I'm still in this thing! I'm still a credible action star!"
Crews might be able to break your neck, but not if you get to the deep end of the pool first.
Stallone did make it clear, however, that Crews' appearance in the upcoming The Expendables 2 was not in danger of being cut out. "Everything's okay," Sly said. "He pulled it out in the end by clearing a room-full of target dummies and then shooting a piece of rope with a rifle. He's man enough for me. Just don't let him do any scenes in the rain."
With the premier of the movie only days away, we should all be happy that Terry Crews survived the harsh realities of a tightly-controlled television show environment. In the words of Dean Cain, who also participated in the show, "I could have really died!"