Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Academy Award Voter Assaulted With Hammer Then Speedily Driven To Hospital By Assailant


A member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was attacked by an intruder late last night in one of the more unusual assault cases ever reported. Oscar voter Dewey Shebag was having a drink in his Beverly Hills apartment when the assailant reportedly crashed through the door, tackled him to the floor, and severely injured his right hand by smashing it with a hammer. Then in a bizarre twist, the mysterious gate crasher drove Dewey to a nearby hospital and promptly vanished like a virgin on prom night. Police were unable to obtain many details regarding a motive for the violent encounter, but Shebag was much more forthcoming after being interrogated by the crackerjack staff at GPS.

Dewey Shebag leaving hospital after attack

When asked about why he was singled out by the attacker, Shebag initially appeared apprehensive. "Look guys, the dude that did this to me was wearing a satin jacket that had a gold scorpion on the back.......the message was pretty clear to me as to why this was happening." The floodgates were now open, and we continued to press Dewey for more. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but I held a crucial vote for the best director nomination this year," Shebag said hesitantly. "It was either going to be Malick for Tree Of Life.....or Refn for Drive. I tend to favor more douchey pretentious shit that makes no sense like Tree over the ballsy existential character stuff in Drive. So of course I voted for Malick!"

Shebag's attacker wore a satin scorpion jacket like this one


Shebag voted for Malick instead of Refn for best director

GPS might have smashed Shebag's other hand along with his nut-sack after giving a best director nod to Malick, and we certainly wouldn't have offered him a ride to the hospital like his trespasser did. "Yeah, I couldn't figure that one out either," Dewey pondered. "Like the driver in the movie, his actions were strange. I told him I'd call for an ambulance myself, but he refused. He told me I had a five minute window to compose myself for a ride to the E.R., but after that, he'd be gone. Then we got in his Chevy Impala and he drove like a bat out of hell. He dropped me off then just disappeared. My hand hurt like a mother-fucker the whole time, but it was all pretty exciting! I wish I could change my vote now!" 

the driver took Shebag to the E.R. in a Chevy Impala......

.....then vanished into the L.A. night


Shebag is recovering nicely, and has even decided to buy the recently released "Drive" on blu-ray. "I realize I did this amazing little film a disservice by giving Terrence the Oscar nod, but I'm going to do my best to spread the word and make sure people see this one too!" It sounds as if Dewey has learned a valuable lesson. "Drive" is currently available for rental or purchase at shopping outlets everywhere.

For more Terrence Malick Oscar madness, click here

10 comments:

  1. Hilarious and obviously true!

    "It was either going to be Malick for Tree Of Life.....or Refn for Drive. I tend to favor more douchey pretentious shit that makes no sense like Tree over the ballsy existential character stuff in Drive. So of course I voted for Malick!"

    Brilliant line!

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Ty....hope you've seen DRIVE! It's Comeuppance worthy without the cheese!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol you guys love hating on Malick.

    But yeah, Drive was awesome. Not sure if agree with all the hype for it, but it was definitely worth seeing

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Dirty...I tried not to buy into the hype and just enjoy the flick. After seeing it though, I do feel the hype is justified.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bwahaha, well done. Hilarious. And so goddamn sad but true. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Planet...you said it best. sad but true.

      Delete
  6. Ahaha you really hate The Tree of Life that much to rag on it in every piece??? :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Castor...we never tire of picking on Malick!

      Delete
  7. Saw Drive, it was pretty good, if a bit overrated. Cranston and Albert Brooks were great though.

    ReplyDelete