On June 7th, 2012, my marriage ended. Now, you might be wondering what I did to cause this tragic turn of events. Did I cheat? No. Was I an abusive husband? Of course not. In fact, I did nothing to contribute to my wife leaving me. The real culprit behind me having to start my life all over again came in the clever disguise of a wolf in sheep's clothing. Apparently, Dan "Fogs" Fogarty of Fogs' Movie Reviews couldn't think of a better way to advertise his site's nomination for Funniest Lamb Writer other than using ad hominem attacks on my character. The result, as I've already mentioned, spelled doom for what was once a happy home.
It all started when Fogs (pronounced with a short o) took to his own site to call me Kuato, the mutant who lives inside a man's stomach in the 1990 sci-fi actioner, Total Recall. Now, allow me to digress for a moment in order to explain what happens when someone who isn't funny tries to elicit laughs in a public forum.
He did well enough by putting up a picture of the intestinal dweller...
...but he forgot to add the funny part.
Maybe Fogs just doesn't know how to operate MS Paint.Or, maybe - and my money is on this explanation - the part of his brain that registers comedy short-circuited around the same time he turned on his computer. Either story is plausible, though.
Anyways, my ex-wife just happened to be lurking around the internet and stumbled across Fogs' oh-so-hilarious post. Immediately after feasting her eyes on Kuato, she thanked Fogs for bringing that ridiculous situation to light.
The beginning of the end (click to enlarge).
Our least-impressive intern got the chance to sit down with the woman who, so far, still shares my last name. When asked why she left, she said, "I just can't get the image of Kuato out of my head. Every time I look at my husband, I see a deformed stomach-man with shriveled arms and a haircut worse than Jeff Van Gundy's. I'm sorry, I just can't do this. I have to go."
As if that wasn't bad enough, she then took to Twitter to remind me to be home over the weekend.
Dammit, I used that thing to dry my hands.
Now, I'm all about being the bigger man, and maybe I will be. But before that happens, I just want everyone reading this to know the caliber of person we're dealing with when it comes to Fogs.
Pictured: Fogs in his "toolin' around town" car.
In the end, I think it would be healthier for all of us if we just focused on what really matters: Green People Soup becoming the Funniest Lamb in the flock. If you're reading this and you're eligible to vote in this year's Lammys, click here and do it! There's no downside, and if we win, maybe my ex will be impressed enough to take me back. I can dream, right?