We here at GPS always train our interns to sniff out factual inaccuracies in movies and marketing material, and it looks like all that hard work has paid off yet again. After perusing the DVD of Jean-Claude Van Damme's seminal time travel movie, Timecop, it became apparent that some of the claims made on the back cover were suspect. In order to get to the bottom of this development, we interviewed leading specialists in various fields. As expected, philosophers, writers, and scientists all had strong opinions when it came to the back cover of the Timecop DVD.
The quotes in question.
The first claim we had to contend with came from People Magazine, which called Timecop "a thinking man's movie." Just to be sure they weren't talking straight out of their ass for a box quote, we sat down with Shelly Kagan, Clark Professor of Philosophy at Yale University. We showed him our copy of the film and, after the credits rolled, gave him the People Magazine quote.
We sat Kagan down in our special eyes-only GPS screening room to view the evidence.
At first, Kagan didn't know what to say.
After sitting in his Yale classroom for about an hour, Kagan finally gave us his verdict.
"I thought about it. Yea, that's a load of shit right there. I'm a thinking man, and all that went through my head was how almost-naked Van Damme was during that one part."
Kagan couldn't get this image out of his mind.
Or this one.
"Then there's that whole thing about your past self touching your future self," Kagan said. "Why would you start freaking out like the T-1000 after he was dumped in lava and then explode? That's, like, anti-logic."
Ron Silver + Ron Silver = time placenta
Kagan was not impressed by Timecop's provocative reasoning.
The second DVD claim we investigated came from the Associated Press, saying the sci-fi actioner was "...packed with white-knuckle thrills."
I was going to invite a print journalist to help with this claim, but I realized it wasn't really necessary.
All I had to do was turn on Timecop and judge for myself.
While I have to admit there were some thrills involved in the story, at no time did I clench my fists long enough to produce white knuckles. I came close when Van Damme sexed up Mia Sara, but other than that, my experiment proved the Associated Press wrong.
My non-white knuckles decided the fate of the AP's bogus claim.
Nice try, Mia. Very nice.
Even after all that, the Associated Press still wasn't done heaping praise on Timecop just yet. According to them, "A terrific script" was one of the defining aspects of the movie. "Terrific" can be a relative term, so we decided to turn to Neil deGrasse Tyson, the astrophysicist who made James Cameron fix the stars in Titanic, as a source of enlightenment for Timecop script QA.
"Well," Tyson said. "You don't have to dig very far into this thing before some problems arise. I mean, shit. This crap is fifteen minutes in:"
Walker(Van Damme): There's never enough time.Melissa(Mia Sara): Never enough for what?W: To satisfy a woman.M: Then you never want to miss an opportunity.
"There's nothing that I can think of," Tyson explained, "that could possibly account for an exchange like that. If it was once, maybe. But I'm supposed to believe they say those exact words to each other once every single year? Bullshit."
Neil deGrasse Tyson says the Timecop DVD cover is full of shit.
It seems the back DVD cover of Timecop cannot stand up to rigorous, scientific scrutiny. Is there any lesson or moral to take away from this event? I think there is. I think when you put Timecop into your DVD player, you have to have realistic expectations. There are two things you need to expect: split-kicks and boobies. There are more split-kicks than boobies, but as I already mentioned, the boobies are quite worthy.
GPS is always looking to shed light on serious topics such as this. If there are any news leads on this or similar stories, please email GPS at greenpeoplesoup at yahoo dot com.