Thursday, March 4, 2010

The top 5 high school evil dicks





Not long ago I was watching a completely dreadful "Karate Kid" rip off called "Never Back Down", but instead of the bully and his friends knowing karate, they knew MMA because kids today don't have the attention span to be satisfied with just one martial art. Anyways, the bad kid was such an evil dick that I wondered how this guy had any friends to begin with. What exactly is the appeal of the evil dick? Sometimes evil dick's parents have a lot of money so perhaps he draws kids from middle to lower income families hoping to receive some spoils of the spoiled. Aside from the challenge of earning and keeping friends, I'd like to know what exactly motivates evil dick to be evil? Maybe a childhood trauma subconsciously causes him to exhibit externalized evil dick behavior. Who knows, but if it weren't for evil dick in the movies, we wouldn't be able to root for the underdog who constantly suffers from his evil dickery. Here are my top five high school evil dicks on film. They happen to all be from 80's movies because that decade is vintage stomping ground for evil dicks.



#5 Craig Sheffer as Hardy Jenns

"Some Kind of Wonderful" (1987) Hardy Jenns definitely goes down in the books as one of the most spoiled evil dick rich kids in movie history. He treats his friends like shit, and he treats his girlfriend worse. When she's finally grown weary of his worship me attitude and they break up, he hatches a simply diabolical plan for revenge. Jenns plays nice and lures her and the underdog she agrees to date to a party so that he and his cronies can beat up and humiliate him while she watches helplessly from the sidelines. What a dick!



#4 Crispin Glover as Layne


"River's Edge" (1986) When somebody in a group of metal head friends decides to strangle his girlfriend to death, Good buddy Layne takes charge and tries to cover up the dastardly deed. It would be one thing if it was accidental, but we find out that the guilty party murdered her because according to him "she was talking shit." The guy is clearly not sorry and could care less about any cover up scheme hatched by Layne. I guess one evil dick friend deserves another. Layne breaks the law, threatens his pals with the penalty of death for snitching, and wrecks his future to help protect a fucking loser. Only the underdog antics of a young Keanu Reeves can help point the police in the right direction and foil Layne's evil dick conspiracy.



#3 Richard Tyson as Buddy Revell


"Three O' Clock High" (1987) Buddy is the new kid at school. He doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't want to be spoken to, he especially doesn't want to be interviewed by underdog school newspaper reporter Jerry Mitchell while taking a piss. As long as Jerry doesn't touch Buddy's leather jacket he'll be OK.......oops......too late. As Arthur Fonzerelli once said "hands off the leather!" Jerry invokes Buddy's wrath for such asinine breach in urinal etiquette and must therefore duel the bullying behemoth at three o' clock sharp! Brass knuckles and badassery make Buddy one of my favorite evil dicks!



#2 William Zabka as Johnny Lawrence


"The Karate Kid" (1987) Johnny could have easily been #1 on this list. William Zabka was such an utterly evil dick that he strutted his unholy erections not once, not twice, but three times on film during the 80's. If I need to tell you anything else as to why Johnny is on this list then thou aren't worthy enough to be reading this geeky film blog. Away with you!


Zabka as Evil dick Greg "Just one of the Guys" (1985)





Zabka as evil dick Chas "Back to School" (1986)


It was a tough call to make for the #1 spot, but even with his stellar resume, Johnny Lawrence was too obvious of a choice. I had to dig deep and think of the evil dick that took me back to my bully battling days of yore. Here is the dick that makes you dread using the school latrine and gives you sleepless nights. He says he's just protecting you, but we all know the truth. He is evil incarnate and deemed the most likely to kick the shit out of you for not coughing up your lunch money in the school yearbook!
#1 Matt Dillon as Moody


"My Bodyguard" (1980) If you don't pay Moody his weekly tribute, he'll scoop a turd out of the toilet with a dixie cup and make you eat it. If you decide to just hire a bodyguard, then he'll just hire a bodyguard to beat up your bodyguard.......then beat you up. Moody is one mean asshole that you don't want to meet alone in the men's room. One kid advises to just keep the fluids light and hold it till the end of the day if at all possible. Moody rules the school with an iron fist, and it's an absolute joy to watch the underdog take him on in the end!



There you have it! The top five evil high school dicks on film. I sincerely apologize for the extreme overuse of the word dick in this article.

2 comments:

  1. Will "The Thrill" EvansMarch 5, 2010 at 6:44 AM

    Markus..... Although I agree with the majority of your list, I feel you have overlooked one. Ted McGinley as Stan Gable in Revenge of the Nerds. I feel he definately deserves a ranking as well... What do you think???

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  2. Will "The Thrill" EvansMarch 5, 2010 at 6:46 AM

    ooops... I guess If I payed attention, I would have seen it was High school bullies which would take my last comment out of it.. Sometimes it actually pays to read everything, not just selected items....

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