Sunday, July 12, 2009

The 10 Virtues of Rambo III

Rambo III isn't the greatest 80's action movie ever, but you know what? It's pretty damn good for a generic bit of ridiculousness. And compared to Rambo II, it's a goddamn masterpiece. But my goal here isn't to review the movie; that's not necessary at this point. So what I'm going to do instead is tell you about the virtues of Rambo III, complete with video guides to make sure the action hero in your next movie knows what he's supposed to do. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

The 10 Virtues of Rambo III

1) When pit-fighting, always be honorable.

Rambo has integrity...unlike all you other filthy Thai fighters out there.

2) First Blood is over. So is Rambo's war.

Don't expect to win Rambo's heart over within the first 15 minutes of the movie, Colonel.

3) Seeing/helping oppressed civilians.

Yep. Rambo gets some of these guys out of a bind. With a grenade launcher.

4) Fitting in with native cultures.

The Afghans just didn't know how good Rambo was at picking dead animals up while galloping on horseback.

5) Heroic music while carrying a child away from danger.

As it turns out, Chow Yun-Fat doesn't have the monopoly on this sort of thing.

6) Epic clothesline.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting it, which makes it even better.

7) Running away from exploding things.

Well, did you think there weren't exploding things to run away from in this movie?

8) Grenade arrows.

Regular old arrows are for pussies.

9) Rewarding death of a large enemy combatant.

It's like Indiana Jones, only more graphic and with larger muscles.

10) Helicopter vs. tank.

Machine on machine action. And yes, the screaming helps with momentum. Can you guess who lives?

So there you have it - the 10 virtues of Rambo III. I hope you learned something, because everything you need to know about action movies is right there in front of you. You can decide the quality; I'm just saying that Rambo III can be used as a template if you so choose. If not, then at least go watch the whole thing and ponder with me why the Russians wear those fur hats of theirs in an Afghan desert.

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