Disney Acquires Christianity from the Vatican for Un-Godly Sum

Not happy to rest on their laurels, Disney has just acquired Christianity for $20 billion by way of the largest financial deal in modern history. The Vatican made its intellectual property available three days ago, and a fierce bidding war ensued up until the final minute. The State of Israel, headed by Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, had a strong start in the negotiations, but over the last day or so bowed out due to lack of finances. It seems Disney was able to offer a larger, more immediate cash injection as its main incentive, and as a result, now owns the rights to such famous characters as Abraham, Noah, John the Baptist, and - most notably - Jesus Christ. Though the Vatican may have passed the Christian franchise on to a new generation of entertainers, they will still remain busy as majority shareholders for Romano's Macaroni Grill.

After Realizing Left Behind is Not his Autobiography, Nicolas Cage Closes Talks to Headline Film

Over the weekend, it was reported that Nicolas Cage was in negotiations to star in the reboot of the popular Christian franchise, Left Behind. According to trusted GPS sources, those talks have since gone cold, and Cage was "totally embarrassed" when it dawned on him that the film wasn't about his own career.

Sinister Success Spawns Shocking Super Stepping Sequel

It wasn't the number one film when it debuted at the box office recently, but the studio behind Sinister can still smile about its terrifyingly terrific performance. The Ethan Hawke starring horror flick hauled in over $18 million dollars against a much smaller budget, and it managed to impress critics as well as genre fans in the process. Audiences who were significantly spooked about the exploits of the demon known as Bughuul (pronounced BUH-GHOUL) can rejoice because Mr. Boogie will be back! Summit Entertainment has already been working on a sequel that promises to raise the bar and set a new standard for original horror entertainment.

In Light of Strong Box Office Showing for Sequel, Liam Neeson to Open Taken Inspired Phone Answering Service

After nearly tripling its $45 million budget, Taken 2 has inspired Liam Neeson to open his own small busines centered around the hit film series. "I don't know why," Neeson said. "But people really like hearing me tell other people that I'm going to find and kill them. Since that's the case, why not make some money on the side while doing it?"

Terry Crews Narrowly Escapes Being Cut from The Expendables 2 after Stars Earn Stripes Debacle

Airing Mondays at 9pm on NBC, Stars Earn Stripes is a new reality TV show that features a bunch of celebrities trying to look like bad asses while actual bad asses show them how to do it. Each celebrity is paired with a military adviser, and they train as a team to win money for a charity. Terry Crews certainly fits the bad ass bill, right? I thought so, too. I was horribly, horribly mistaken.

GPS gets TWO Liebster Awards! Many Secrets Revealed! Many Questions Answered!

Ruth from Splendid and Lovely and Adam, Mark, and Scott from 3 Guys 1 Movie rightfully decided to each have me answer 11 questions about myself and my movie-watching habits. The Liebster Award seems to be designed to give a little insight into the minds of the movie bloggers we all read every day. My mind is booby-trapped like a Mayan temple, though, so it's a good thing they asked first instead of prying. Click through to see the rules for the Liebster Award and all my dark secrets:

Green People Soup Doesn't Recall Total Recall

This is the funniest thing, but Markus and I don't remember watching Len Wiseman's Total Recall. Only vague images of explosions, jumping, and many elevators remain, but maybe we're just remembering something from a recurring dream or suffering from deja-vu. Weird right? We recollect being in the theater, and we remember driving home, but what the hell happened in-between?

Peter Jackson Responds to Slave Labor Allegations after Announcing Third Hobbit Film

Peter Jackson, the visionary director of 682 minutes-worth of The Lord of the Rings, has recently come under fire amid allegations he is using the cast of his upcoming epic, The Hobbit, as slave labor. Originally slated to be released as two films, The Hobbit is now confirmed to have been extended into a third. Authorities are keeping a close eye on production as it skirts dangerously close with violating the New Zealand Employment Relations Act 2000. Under the act, "The salary/wages for this position cover all time worked in meeting the performance requirements and the employee is not entitled to additional payment for time worked outside the normal hours specified. However, where a significant number of additional hours are worked, the employer will, if possible allow the employee to take time off in compensation for the additional hours worked."

Kristen Stewart to Begin Scouting Locations for More Private Love Affairs

Last week, Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders, the director of Snow White and the Huntsman, were caught cheating on their significant others at a public park. Amid criticism of their decisions, the Twilight star has broken her silence and addressed the controversy. "Obviously, location is everything," a distraught Stewart said. "I can understand how everyone was let down by our choice of Pacific View Trail - right under the Hollywood sign - for our last outing, so I apologize to everyone involved. I'm getting a new DP, so don't worry. We'll be more discrete this time."

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