The Five Things I Can Do Better than Jackie Chan

So, I was just sitting around watching The Spy Next Door, and the thought occurred to me: "Hey, wait a minute. Why can't an international spy who's brought down dictators make breakfast without setting off a smoke detector?" That's a profound question, indeed, and it led me to my current belief that I'm well-equipped to deal with the dual existence of being a CIA operative and a father. Oh, you doubt me? Fine. I now enter into evidence the The Five Things I Can Do Better than Jackie Chan.

The Avengers Aftermath Part I: God Of Thunder Set To Crush Christianity And Other Religions

It's no secret: The Avengers are here. You can see them flying around, punching things, yelling, and sweating in what almost seems like slow-motion. These facts are undeniable. However, we here at GPS have decided to take a closer look at what the emergence of these so-called superheroes means for both the Human race and planet Earth.

Our dogged determination to make sure our interns know how to research things has led us to believe there are two impacts The Avengers' appearances and subsequent actions have made: An environmental impact, and a spiritual and cultural impact. Part one will focus on the spiritual and cultural impact, and part two will examine the consequences of Stark Industries arc reactor technology.

GPS VS The Raid: Redemption

There have been rumblings in the halls of movie-geekdom lately about an Indonesian film guaranteed to pummel the privates of any action fan who would dare try and withstand its awesome might. We've heard it's the most important action film in decades, and some are calling it the "Indonesian Die Hard." Our fellow brother of the blogosphere Fogs reviewed it here and claims, "Holy Mary Mother of God!" That's a healthy heaping of hype to live up to, and quite frankly, we just don't believe it. The dynamic duo here at GPS collectively have almost sixty years of genre watching experience, and we feel there's nothing an action film can show us nowadays that we've not seen a million times before. Now we hate to brag, but allow us to show you our resumes so they can speak for themselves before we take on "The Raid: Redemption."

Sean Penn Finally Decides To Lighten Up

Though many younger movie patrons may not remember, there was a time when Sean Penn used to have fun in his movies before becoming the oh so serious thespian most know him as today. Happy days are here again for the Oscar winning actor who has recently stated in a press conference that he intends to lighten up. That's great news for fans who scantly remember his comedic turn as stoner-surfer dude Jeff Spicoli in 1982's "Fast Times At Ridgemont High." But that was almost thirty years ago. Most film-goers these days were pretty sure that they'd never see a lighthearted return to form after an extreme liberal pole became firmly lodged in his ass at some point during his career and turned him into angry Sean.

American Pie Franchise To End On Somber Note

Fans of the "American Pie" franchise are no doubt happy that the gang has returned for yet another installment of wacky shenanigans, but inquiring minds are already eager to know when they can expect another serving. "American Reunion" directors Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg have recently stated that there's going to be one more slice of pie to enjoy after this, but it will literally be the nail in the series coffin. "American Funeral" is in the works, and will showcase what happens after the gang all die from old age and tired cliche humor.

Hilary Swank To Portray Justin Bieber In New Biopic

It only took eighteen years plus a few pubic hairs, but the epic story of teeny-bopper singing sensation Justin Bieber is finally getting the grand Hollywood treatment. It has recently been revealed that two time Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank will portray Bieber in "Million Dollar Bieber." Swank is eager to try her luck again after her first biopic about pilot Amelia Earhart crashed and burned at the box office. Internet rumors have long suspected that Swank and Bieber are actually the same person so it's no surprise that the talented actress nabbed the much coveted role from the large pool of thespians vying for it. 

Behold My (Apparently) First Review - House of the Dead

I know I've been AWOL for a while, but I just got engaged, and a couple other things have been more pressing as of late. I want to rectify that, and what with all the talk about people's first posts, I figured this would be a funny way to get back into the groove.

Walking Dead Character To Get Spin-Off Series

The season two finale for AMC's "The Walking Dead" was the most watched basic cable drama telecast in history no thanks to T-Dog. In a bold network move, the unpopular character will be getting his own spin-off show next year titled "The Inconsequential Dead." Fans of the series might be scratching their heads as to why the powers that be would choose to focus the new show around a guy who mostly stands around and only occasionally gets in on the zombie mayhem, but executives insist that this is the right move going forward. "Killing the token black guy would be a far too easy and predictable way to get rid his worthless character," said one AMC exec. "By showcasing T-Dog's unique ability to do nothing in The Inconsequential Dead, we'll most likely be able to just cancel him away after a few episodes."

What Was Your First Blog Post?

I'm in the mood for something a little different this week, and I've decided to put my usual smart ass shenanigans aside.............for now. I'm curious to know what was the first thing you ever posted to the blogosphere? Whether it was an oh so serious critique of the latest art house film or a list of your favorite flicks starring Steve Guttenberg, you had to start somewhere. I liken my first post to the wall of shame every adult person dreads their friends and significant others seeing. You know what I'm talking about. The wall at your parents house adorned with photographic evidence of just how awkward and dorky looking you were growing up. Bad haircuts, missing teeth, and questionable fashion are front and center on the wall of shame.

John Carter: One Sentence Review

A $250 million dollar budget sure seems nice, but it would have been better spent providing starving kids with education, clothes, and rice.

250 million buys lots of rice