John Carter: One Sentence Review

A $250 million dollar budget sure seems nice, but it would have been better spent providing starving kids with education, clothes, and rice.

250 million buys lots of rice

George Lucas Challenges John Carter Director To Boxing Match For Geek Franchise Supremacy

The marketing gurus at Walt Disney Pictures have really been trying to hammer home the idea that sci-fi films like "Star Wars" and "Avatar" owe a debt of gratitude to the upcoming "John Carter" for their success. Edgar Rice Burrough's classic tale of an earthling hero transported to Mars is believed to have been the well of inspiration that many genre creators have drawn upon for their ideas. IGN contributor Jesse Scheedeen has even stated in a recent online article that, "Without John Carter There Would Be No Star Wars." A bold statement that doesn't sit well with Mr. George Lucas, and now the bearded one is literally ready to put up his dukes and defend the universe he's created. Lucas has openly challenged John Carter director Andrew Stanton to a boxing match that will settle the score and determine which geek franchise reigns supreme.

Angelina Jolie's Leg Expected To Be Most Popular Halloween Costume In 2012

In the past few years, we've grown accustomed to seeing the same ole same ole when it comes to costumes. Pirates walking the plank, the undead walking the earth, and vampires that glitter in the daylight have been walking the streets on All Hallow's Eve. Thanks to Angelina Jolie, there will apparently be more posing going on than walking when it's time for trick or treat this year. She's got leg, and she knows how to use it. After strutting her stuff at the Academy Awards, Jolie's leg has become the most popular human appendage in history. Now Halloween aficionados everywhere are clamoring to be the first one at the party to show up as Angelina's leg, but costume stores are struggling to meet the recent high demand for her extremely erotic extension.

Study: Internet Overwhelmingly Approves Of Oscars Telecast

 

***(Special guest post from Some Guy Daily News)***

INTERNET-As per usual with any widely televised awards show, last night's Oscar telecast was a smashing success according to Twitter and Facebook users. While it's hard to imagine the marathon of egregious backslapping and self-fellatio being met with any sort of disdain, the Internet again served as a beacon of positivity when it comes to not-at-all vapid and totally meaningful awards ceremonies. Host Billy Crystal was universally hailed as original and hilarious, making jokes about J. Edgar Hoover and prescription drugs that increase urinary flow.

College Professor Claims "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" Historically Inaccurate

February has been relatively good to the 16th President of the United States of America. This month has celebrated his 203rd birthday, and the teaser trailer for "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" has been enthusiastically received by film geeks. But not all is well for the tall bearded one's legacy. Recent claims of factual inaccuracy have been leveled at the new film by a history teacher at San Dimas University. Professor Ted Theodore Logan has recently been criticizing the new movie with remarks like, "this Abraham Lincoln vampire stuff is just totally BOGUS!" GPS traveled to the campus in California to learn how the filmmakers aren't being so honest about Abe.

GPSweethearts

Finder Of Found Footage Goes Missing While Finding Latest Found Film

With found footage documentaries like "Paranormal Activity" and the more recent "Chronicle" becoming huge box office draws, you might ask yourself, "who finds this footage anyways?" Enter Mr. Bart Berglebeard. A self proclaimed "expert finder" of found footage, and adventurer responsible for finding the film left behind by ill-fated documentary productions. Berglebeard's famous treasures have included the aforementioned titles as well as some other notable gems like "The Blair Witch Project" and "Cloverfield." He usually has a knack for being in the right place at the right time and coming away with valuable film stock that often sheds light on how the people pictured in the films perish. But Berglebeard's good fortune may have finally run out. He has been reported missing by his wife Betty after failing to check in for several days while hunting for his latest found footage in the small town of Beersheeba Springs Tennessee. Mrs. Berglebeard was kind enough to spend some time with GPS in the hopes that telling their story may help find the finder of found film and bring him home.

Academy Award Voter Assaulted With Hammer Then Speedily Driven To Hospital By Assailant

A member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was attacked by an intruder late last night in one of the more unusual assault cases ever reported. Oscar voter Dewey Shebag was having a drink in his Beverly Hills apartment when the assailant reportedly crashed through the door, tackled him to the floor, and severely injured his right hand by smashing it with a hammer. Then in a bizarre twist, the mysterious gate crasher drove Dewey to a nearby hospital and promptly vanished like a virgin on prom night. Police were unable to obtain many details regarding a motive for the violent encounter, but Shebag was much more forthcoming after being interrogated by the crackerjack staff at GPS.

If He Wins an Oscar®, Terrence Malick Promises an Explanation for The Tree of Life

Terrence Malick is riding high with three - count 'em - three Academy award nominations for The Tree of Life at this year's Oscars®. That's fantastic news in-and-of-itself, but what's more is the fact that if the film wins in any category it was nominated, Malick will finally record commentary and re-release The Tree of Life on DVD and Blu-ray, adding the audio track for those who care to know what volcanic ash and DNA have in common.

Nobody Knows Who Guy Standing Next To Jennifer Lawrence Was During Early Morning Oscar Nomination Announcements

The list of nominees for the 84th Annual Academy Awards were broadcast to news stations at 5:30 in the morning by a ravishing looking Jennifer Lawrence and apparently some other guy. Lawrence has been drawing critical raves by fashionistas for her bronze mane and periwinkle bib dress, but nobody seems to know who the man standing next to her was during the big announcement. "She was beautiful before she dyed her hair, but now she's simply a goddess to behold," a flamboyantly gay critic noted. "How she looked so fabulous so early in the morning is amazing, but who was that gross old man next to her trying to steal a little of the spotlight? Sorry honey, but she was the prize that glued my eyes!" GPS decided to do a little research and uncover the identity of the mystery man.