GPSergio

Jessica Simpson Addresses Toilet Tweet And Bloated Belly

In today's world of the celebrity obsessed, is it even possible to be given too much information? That's exactly what Jessica Simpson has been accused of as media hounds everywhere are blasting her this week for tweeting while on the toilet. The 30 year old singer posted a twitter pic and told her four million plus followers that she was having, "short girl problems" while sitting sans shoes on a swanky department store commode. The Simpson camp is flustered enough by constant pregnancy queries from the media circus regarding their starlets ever growing belly, and the turd-a-licious tweet just adds to an ever growing shit-storm of bad publicity. Now the question we at GPS have isn't why she toilet tweeted, but rather who the hell took the infamous photo anyways? It's up to our crackerjack staff of interns to dip into their well of bribes and sexual favors to uncover even more unnecessary intel.

GPSerious: They Came Back (2004)

For those of you who appreciate and laugh at my humorous articles, I do thank you. I can usually find something to laugh at with any movie, no matter how serious it takes itself. They Came Back is an exception to that rule. I find nothing remotely funny about the premise or execution of this movie, and what I'm about to write will reflect that. If you'd rather see me shit on a bad horror movie, go read this. On the other hand, if you'd like to read about why They Came Back scares me more than any film by Romero, Kubrick, or Craven ever could, then this is probably the review for you.

GPSkeletons

Currently Obsessed With: Attack The Block (2011)

I've been hyped about this one for quite some time. Back in June, I arrived over an hour early to a special screening and still couldn't get in to see it. I tried renting it from my local Blockbuster and every copy was checked out when the DVD was released this week. Even a good majority of local Best Buys were completely sold out. The situation was getting crump. Find out the definition of crump from our good friend Scott at Front Room Cinema who was kind enough to break down some of the various slang our heroes use in the film. On my last hail-mary attempt, I was able to find a copy for purchase. I immediately headed home to cotch down and check it on my flatscreen. The invasion was well worth the wait!

Elm Street Teen Thought Dead Found Alive 27 Years Later.

Up until early this morning, everyone, including authorities, thought Glen Lantz was dead. For the past week, Springwood, Ohio detectives have been conducting DNA tests on exhumed remains in an attempt to solve logbook discrepancies of a handful of grizzly 1984 murders.

GPShinya Tsukamoto

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Nude Photo Shoot Goes Horribly Wrong; Playboy Ditches Pictures.

When we at GPS heard the news that Lindsay Lohan was going to pose naked for Playboy, we had to reach out to the magazine giant and ask someone there if they'd actually seen Lohan in the past five years. While a rep for the magazine did eventually get back to us, they didn't seem to understand the question. "What are you talking about?" The rep asked. "The actress from Mean Girls? She's gorgeous. I'm not wasting any more time on this call."

GPStan

Jonathan Lipnicki to Direct Jerry Maguire Sequel.

Do you remember that spikey-haired kid from Jerry Maguire? As it turns out, that guy is still alive, and he's gearing up for his directorial debut in Jerry Maguire: The Later Years. The actor-turned-director recently turned 21, and he celebrated in style by taking his birthday bash to Las Vegas. GPS caught up with the birthday boy as he drank like 10 shots of Jager.

GPStreetfighter: MarkusWelby VS. Terrence Malick

GPScorsese

The Help: One Sentence Review

You could let this Jim Crow era tale pass you by, but you'd miss seeing an evil character eat a slice of shit pie.

Kim Kardashian to Star in Biopic of Fat, Ugly Prostitute.

Kim Kardashian has apparently caught the acting bug. The web has been on fire ever since news spread that she'll be starring in Tyler Perry's next hilarious comedy, The Marriage Counselor. GPS was able to sit down with the star of Kim Kardashian, Superstar, the lame porno where she just sits there a lot and does nothing, in order to get a better idea of what inspired her to pursue more interesting roles.

GPSaturday: A Trip to the Movies, and A Lot of Van Dammage.

This past Saturday, Markus and I decided to take a day off from yelling at interns - this time for forgetting to order the Indiana Jones Holy Grail replica paperclip holder for our office - and go catch a flick at the dollar theater. The Elvis Cinemas chain has movies for the pretty awesome price of $2.50-3.00, so we said screw it and saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. What ensued afterward was a DVD store episode that had Morgan Freeman repeating the 12 steps to us in our heads while we dreamed of fighting Tong Po.

GPSerious: Trick Or Treat (1986)

It's that time of year folks. I keep seeing other sites listing their favorite horror films to watch as we get ever closer to Halloween, but not once did I see a recommend for the 1986 cult classic "Trick Or Treat." Just plain criminal. Please do not confuse this with the very well done but unfortunately mistitled 2007 "Trick R Treat."

GPSuper

Army Of The 12 Monkeys Claim Responsibility For Ohio Animal Escape

Over fifty exotic animals were shot and killed after being unleashed onto the populace of Muskingum County Ohio, and authorities are still trying to piece the details of the puzzle together in the aftermath. GPS has learned from an anonymous source that wildlife preserve owner Terry Thompson was a member of the Army of the 12 Monkeys, and was under orders from maniacal leader Jeffrey Goines to set the dangerous animals free. Goines is a well known fanatical animal rights advocate, and his 12 Monkey propaganda has been found littered throughout Thompson's home. The former mental patient and 12 Monkey chief has been inactive for over a decade now, but evidence of his re emergence is mounting. He's been seen in media photos hiding in plain sight with Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz, and 12 Monkey graffiti has been sighted in multiple Ohio locations.

GPSerious: The Films of Michael Ritchie, Rnd 1: The Golden Child

The more cultured of you out there will have to pardon my ignorance. Only after finally looking up who directed The Golden Child have my eyes been opened to a man named Michael Richie (No, not Guy Ritchie. No, not Michael Richards, either.). As soon as I saw that he directed both The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears, I was instantly compelled to throw every movie of his onto my Blockbuster queue. Yes, Blockbuster. Netflix has zero - count them - zero of the ones I wanted on Instant. Anyways, I have a plan. The plan is to go through the whole Michael Ritchie catalog. I already know The Golden Child and The Bad News Bears by heart, but there are so many more wonders I'm sure to encounter. In short: Fuck yea! Right, so here's the part where I tell you how awesome The Golden Child is, as if you didn't already know.

John Gulager's Next Horror Movie Revealed: Marathon Man.

In late 2012, Dimension Films will be releasing Marathon Man, a horror movie unlike any we at GPS have ever seen before. Directed by John Gulager (Feast, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, Feast III: The Happy Finish, Pirahna 3DD), it will tell the tale of a psychotic marathon runner who gets his rocks off by doing two things: running and killing.