Teen Murdered On Elm Street, Parents Blame *Elm* Tree Of Life

***EDIT*** This post is now new and improved thanks to our friend Dylan@ manilovefilms.com . I sincerely apologize for my witty ineptitude. There clearly should have been an obvious "Elm Tree" joke associated in a post about "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Tree of Life" Thank you Dylan.

A teenage girl was found brutally slashed to death in the Elm Street community, and police can find neither a suspect nor motive for the brutal crime. "At this time we are baffled by this vicious act of violence, but we continue to make progress as the story unfolds," investigators said. An insider has leaked word that homicide detectives are looking to steer suspicion towards the parents, but Ted and Beulah Crappleberry are steadfastly maintaining their innocence in regards to the murder of their daughter Cindy. GPS was able to speak with the Crappleberrys and gain some insight on what went on the night of Cindy's slaughter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Apologizes to Maria Shriver with Giant Bronze Statue of Himself.

*UPDATED*

On Saturday morning, in what some would call a misguided attempt at a romantic gesture, Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled a gigantic bronze statue of himself right on the lawn of his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Maria Shriver. It was a media circus as the former Governor of California stood there, obviously pleased with his own ingenuity while caressing his bronze counterpart's ass.

Birthdays - October 8th

I'm trying something a little different this time. Instead of picking just one birthday and making a post about that person, I'll list the people I think are notable and showcase the one I feel is most worthy. Let me know if you guys prefer it this way or the way we've been doing it up 'til now. I also realize this has been a very sporadic thing so far, and it probably will be until someone else wants to do this every single day. So for now, I'll just do it when I feel like it. Like today. Hooray for birthdays!

Most worthy for October 8th:

Paul Hogan (72)

Contemporary Goonies Too Lazy To Save Town From Foreclosure

The bulldozers are finally on their way to Astoria Oregon homes after a twenty six year wait. Real estate mogul Troy Perkins gets the last laugh, and the neighborhood lovingly referred to as "The Goon Docks" will get demolished and replaced with a multimillion dollar country club. The town was spared from the wrecking ball back in 1985 after some local kids who called themselves "The Goonies" unearthed the treasure of the infamous pirate One-Eyed-Willy. The resourcefulness of these plucky kids became the stuff of legend, but it seems their contemporary counterparts lacked the drive and resolve to save their home when they had the chance. Another pirate treasure map was found in the attic of the Walsh home that promised the riches and spoils of one of Willy's lesser known crew members Drunk Ass Jack. The money from Jack's treasure could have boosted Astoria's flailing economy and re-established its reputation as a thriving town, but the map disappeared and found its way into the hands of Perkins and his corporate lackies. GPS set out to unravel the mystery of Drunk Ass Jack and the new Goonies who apparently now say die.

Will Hunting Shouldn't Have Gone to See About a Girl; Doesn't Like Them Apples.

Back in 1997, Will Hunting was a hot commodity. Tech firms were clamoring to throw money at his giant, immature brain. He could solve highly complex, theoretical physics problems with one hand while writing rhythmic, technically flawless concertos in the other. If you've been paying attention, I'm sure you've noticed the conspicuous lack of his face all over Time magazine for the past 14 years. Why is that? The answer is, simply, Skylar.

Fuck You, Paul W.S. Anderson. No, Really. Part 1.

There's always discussion between myself and Markus about how some filmmakers are just pretentious and boring. They tend to make bloated, obtuse films that only make sense if you know ahead of time what to look for. Call it high art if you want; I don't really care. The reason I bring that up is because even though we like to make fun of the snooty crowd, the opposite end of the spectrum is just as bad. How do I know? Paul W.S. Anderson just proved it to me with Resident Evil: Afterlife.

Willy Wonka Under Investigation for Unsafe Working Conditions in Candy Factory.

Willy Wonka, the world's largest candy magnate, is facing a federal investigation into the working and safety conditions of his candy factory, which have been called into question by a series of accidents resulting in the deaths of at least two people. The investigation was prompted when Claus Spreckels, a local sugar freak, fell into a giant vat of chocolate and was summarily processed and turned into part of Wonka's latest candy line, called Sugar Me! Luckily, the situation was contained before the chocolate bars made their way into the homes of school children all over the city. That wouldn't exactly have been a golden ticket.

Ridley Scott to Release Director's Cut of Bloodrayne; Uwe Boll Loves the Free Money.

Ridley Scott, the legendary filmmaker who has given birth to such classics as Alien, Bladerunner, and Gladiator, announced today that he will be releasing a director's cut of Uwe Boll's seminal masterpiece, Bloodrayne. In a press release, Scott said, "I'll be shooting a few extra scenes with the principal cast and also cobbling together whatever crap I can from the editing room floor. It's a big floor. And messy. Shit's everywhere."

Terrence Malick Falls Asleep During Tree of Life Screening; Nobody Seems to Notice.

Terrence Malick was caught snoozing over the weekend during a special screening of  his latest film, The Tree of Life, which is about the majesty of the sun as it makes all metaphors possible and Brad Pitt wearing a fedora while beating his kids or something. GPS found the director after the event, and his explanation for his heavy eyelids isn't what you'd expect. On second thought, maybe it is.

Tom Six, Director of Human Centipede 2, Opens Up About His Shitty Ideas.

We were recently able to have a nice sit down with Tom Six, the director of the forthcoming horror film, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), in order to find out what inspired him to write such gross ass shit.

"Well," Six said, "it didn't start out as gross ass shit. The stuff I was coming up with was bizarre, but not quite at the level The Human Centipede turned out to be. I didn't really have any good ideas, to be honest. It took me around ten tries before I nailed it. But, man, all that hard work on stupid, stupid ideas really paid off."