Contemporary Goonies Too Lazy To Save Town From Foreclosure

The bulldozers are finally on their way to Astoria Oregon homes after a twenty six year wait. Real estate mogul Troy Perkins gets the last laugh, and the neighborhood lovingly referred to as "The Goon Docks" will get demolished and replaced with a multimillion dollar country club. The town was spared from the wrecking ball back in 1985 after some local kids who called themselves "The Goonies" unearthed the treasure of the infamous pirate One-Eyed-Willy. The resourcefulness of these plucky kids became the stuff of legend, but it seems their contemporary counterparts lacked the drive and resolve to save their home when they had the chance. Another pirate treasure map was found in the attic of the Walsh home that promised the riches and spoils of one of Willy's lesser known crew members Drunk Ass Jack. The money from Jack's treasure could have boosted Astoria's flailing economy and re-established its reputation as a thriving town, but the map disappeared and found its way into the hands of Perkins and his corporate lackies. GPS set out to unravel the mystery of Drunk Ass Jack and the new Goonies who apparently now say die.

Will Hunting Shouldn't Have Gone to See About a Girl; Doesn't Like Them Apples.

Back in 1997, Will Hunting was a hot commodity. Tech firms were clamoring to throw money at his giant, immature brain. He could solve highly complex, theoretical physics problems with one hand while writing rhythmic, technically flawless concertos in the other. If you've been paying attention, I'm sure you've noticed the conspicuous lack of his face all over Time magazine for the past 14 years. Why is that? The answer is, simply, Skylar.

Fuck You, Paul W.S. Anderson. No, Really. Part 1.

There's always discussion between myself and Markus about how some filmmakers are just pretentious and boring. They tend to make bloated, obtuse films that only make sense if you know ahead of time what to look for. Call it high art if you want; I don't really care. The reason I bring that up is because even though we like to make fun of the snooty crowd, the opposite end of the spectrum is just as bad. How do I know? Paul W.S. Anderson just proved it to me with Resident Evil: Afterlife.

Willy Wonka Under Investigation for Unsafe Working Conditions in Candy Factory.

Willy Wonka, the world's largest candy magnate, is facing a federal investigation into the working and safety conditions of his candy factory, which have been called into question by a series of accidents resulting in the deaths of at least two people. The investigation was prompted when Claus Spreckels, a local sugar freak, fell into a giant vat of chocolate and was summarily processed and turned into part of Wonka's latest candy line, called Sugar Me! Luckily, the situation was contained before the chocolate bars made their way into the homes of school children all over the city. That wouldn't exactly have been a golden ticket.

Ridley Scott to Release Director's Cut of Bloodrayne; Uwe Boll Loves the Free Money.

Ridley Scott, the legendary filmmaker who has given birth to such classics as Alien, Bladerunner, and Gladiator, announced today that he will be releasing a director's cut of Uwe Boll's seminal masterpiece, Bloodrayne. In a press release, Scott said, "I'll be shooting a few extra scenes with the principal cast and also cobbling together whatever crap I can from the editing room floor. It's a big floor. And messy. Shit's everywhere."

Terrence Malick Falls Asleep During Tree of Life Screening; Nobody Seems to Notice.

Terrence Malick was caught snoozing over the weekend during a special screening of  his latest film, The Tree of Life, which is about the majesty of the sun as it makes all metaphors possible and Brad Pitt wearing a fedora while beating his kids or something. GPS found the director after the event, and his explanation for his heavy eyelids isn't what you'd expect. On second thought, maybe it is.

Tom Six, Director of Human Centipede 2, Opens Up About His Shitty Ideas.

We were recently able to have a nice sit down with Tom Six, the director of the forthcoming horror film, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), in order to find out what inspired him to write such gross ass shit.

"Well," Six said, "it didn't start out as gross ass shit. The stuff I was coming up with was bizarre, but not quite at the level The Human Centipede turned out to be. I didn't really have any good ideas, to be honest. It took me around ten tries before I nailed it. But, man, all that hard work on stupid, stupid ideas really paid off."

Donnie Darko Turns Ten, People Still Don't Know What The Hell It's About

October 26th marked the ten year anniversary of Richard Kelly's bizarre cult classic "Donnie Darko." A decade later, fans and critics of the film still cannot say what the hell the movie is about. Darko is a beloved gem here at GPS, but we too are befuddled and unable to describe any sort of coherent plot summary. There's something about a guy in a creepy bunny suit, a fallen airplane engine, and Patrick Swayze is a pedophile........after that.....we're lost. GPS learned that a team of scientists at M.I.T. led by Dr. Abhay Gupta are constantly studying Darko's labyrinthine structure so that future generations can watch the film without being stupefied. We also caught up with some of the actors involved in the production and asked them to help us solve the Darko plot dilemma.

The Face of Wilford Brimley Haunts New Trailer for The Thing (2011).

Here at GPS, we were a little surprised that the usually enterprising blogosphere missed out on a massive payday when the latest trailer for The Thing hit the internet. In it, there are several scenes of human copies transforming into their true monster selves. Inexplicably, however, every single shot featured Wilford Brimley's face instead of the actual characters in the film.

Sequel to The Long Good Friday to be Released, Entitled The Short Bad Saturday.

 Well, thirty-one years later, The Long Good Friday is finally getting the sequel everyone demanded. GPS has obtained a pre-release screening copy of the film, which will be called The Short Bad Saturday when it releases in theaters next month.