Happy Birthday Scott Baio!

Not only is it Scott Baio's 51st birthday, but he's also been in the news recently for having a lot of girlfriends, to which I say: who gives a shit. I was all set to mock him for not being in anything since around the time of the silent German era, but then I remembered something awesome.

Bob Loblaw.

Again, sincere birthday wishes from everyone at GPS. 

Meet Don Logan.

I'll make this short and sweet, because I don't think I need a lot of evidence to convince people to see this movie. I'm sure everyone knows or has known someone who grates on every last nerve; the kind of person that causes groans and eye-rolls the instant they enter a room. You know that as soon as they see you, you're either going to have to bat away a verbal barrage or run the hell away as fast as possible. It's even worse when their only motivation is to get you to do something. You say no, but they don't care. Half-an-hour later, you're still repeating the same damn thing you said at the beginning of the conversation.

If My Car Ever Breaks Down, I'll Run - Calvaire (2004)

I just finished watching Calvaire, and one thing really struck me: This movie has been made about 80 bajillion times. Guess what, though? It's awesome. The plot takes about 5.5 seconds to explain, but that's alright. A guy's van breaks down in bum-fuck nowhere, France, and he ends up at the mercy of some horrendously flawed individual. Yes, please stop me if you've heard that one before. But I swear this one is different.

Contagion: One Sentence Review

Soderbergh's latest won't make you sick, but Jude Law's character is a total prick.

Oh, Yea...I Forgot This is a Series - Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Until moments ago, I had no idea this franchise boasted the talents of Burt Reynolds and Gary Busey. Huh...look it up.

This is the preferred posture for cyborg killers. It enhances spinal structure and keeps the body limber in case any sexual activity is needed.

Visit From 3 Spirits Prompts Lucas To Release Star Wars Theatrical Cuts On Blu-Ray

It will be a very Merry Christmas indeed for Star Wars geeks this holiday season. A recent press release from Skywalker Ranch has confirmed that George Lucas has finally decided to release the beloved theatrical cuts of the original trilogy on Blu-Ray. The sudden change of heart was certainly unexpected after the totally altered and unpopular versions just hit retailers everywhere. So what exactly changed the evil emperor's mind? There has been rumors about internal strife at Lucasfilm headquarters, but only GPS has been able to pull off the greatest Jedi-mind-trick yet by getting George to spill the beans on the matter! "The ghost of Sir Alec Guinness came to see me in my bedroom one night," a terrified Lucas stated. "He told me I was going to be visited by three spirits that would change my whole outlook on the shit-storm I've created..........man I tell ya......he seemed really fucking pissed off at me!" It sounded like Lucas had been putting a little too much vodka in his blue milk, but we let him tell us his story.

Magneto Killed By 16 Year Old Girl During Woodland Vacation

The mutant community has been rocked by news that its most powerful member was killed while on winter holiday. Erik Lensherr, AKA Magneto, was taking a sabbatical from his leadership duties in the Brotherhood of Mutants and sought solace from modern society at a cabin in an undisclosed woodland location. The master of magnetism was apparently prone to migraines, and he would often retreat to his favorite vacation spot to find peace from the metallic interference brought on by city life. When he didn't resume his world conquering duties after his expected return, the Brotherhood launched an investigation. The B.O.M. coordinated their search with the police as well as former friend and nemesis Charles Xavier. Magneto's body was quickly discovered through rigorous investigative tactics bolstered by Xavier's super computer Cerebro. Erik was pierced through the head by a wooden arrow with a polished bone tip and had no chance of using his powers to deflect it. The authorities have apprehended a sixteen year old blond female believed to be responsible for the crime after following her tracks through the snowy woods.

Sylvester Stallone To Direct Black Swan 2

In a day and age where it's almost impossible to keep details about a movie production from leaking out, GPS was surprised to hear the news that Fox Searchlight Pictures have secretly been working on a sequel to the smash hit "Black Swan." Made for a paltry thirteen million dollars and grossing much much more, the studio heads are eager to make sure their dancing swan keeps laying golden eggs for their bank accounts. Natalie Portman has agreed to reprise her Oscar winning role as the troubled ballet dancer Nina, and a back in shape John Travolta will co-star. Since Darren Aronofsky turned down the chance to helm the next chapter, the powers that be have hired Sylvester Stallone for the job. Sly is no stranger to sequels about dancers, and promises that the saga of the bad girl ballet will positively knock out any doubters. Once again, GPS was given unprecedented access to all the yummy details about the Italian Stallion's production.

Fright Night 2011: One Sentence Review

 I didn't care too much for McLovin's Evil Ed, but Colin was badass as the blood-sucking undead!

Conan Treated By Wizard For Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction affects 18% of U.S. men on a yearly basis. Add one Cimmerian barbarian to the list now. Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a flaccid penis. In Conan's world of phallic imagery, bloody battles, and scantily clad ladies, a man truly lives and dies by his sword.......both of them. After one drunken evening found him desperately trying to hear the lamentations of the women without success, the savage warrior knew that it would only be a matter of time before word got out and Crom would cast him out of Valhalla for his sexual ineptitude. "How can I solve the riddle of steel when the riddle of wood is so terribly vexing?" the barbarian pondered.  Thus began an epic quest to seek out a wizard who could treat his emasculating condition.