They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To - Andromeda Strain (1971)

I miss the old days of science fiction. Stories didn't(and a lot of the time couldn't) depend on snazzy special effects and gross amounts of action to to keep you engrossed in the proceedings. A prime example of this would be 2001: A Space Odyssey, but you all know about that one. Instead, what I have for you here is a nice bit of 1971 hard sci-fi directed by Robert Wise, the man responsible for The Day the Earth Stood Still, Somebody Up There Likes Me, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and a lof of other really cool stuff. Seriously, he was one of the best directors working in the 1940's all the way through the late '70's.


Andromeda Strain is about a biological distaster unleashed on Earth when a satellite crashes in a small town in New Mexico, killing everyone in the immediate area. But there aren't any aggrandized scenes of catasrophic panic and death. This film is more centralized, and only deals with the few scientists and military personnel directly involved with what's going on. I label Andromeda Strain as "hard" sci-fi because it's very procedural in the way the scientists try to figure out what caused all the deaths, and a lot of the film simply shows them working in their labs doing experiments and the like. It's not a character piece, and you could say they aren't explored in any meaningful depth, but you'd be missing the point. This is what sci-fi used to be about; no hokey romantic melodrama about astronauts and their loved ones while they're trying to blow up an asteroid on a collision course toward Earth. And if you want comic relief, go watch that pile of trash movie instead(you know which one I'm alluding to, so I don't have to name it). Andromeda Strain is about very smart people doing very scientific things in an isolated location, but in the back of your mind you still get that there are far-reaching ramifications and a lot is at stake.


It's not that I don't like a lot of modern sci-fi, but they really just don't make them like this anymore. Nothing is dumbed down for the popcorn-chewing, text messaging mouth-breathers that frequent the cinema these days, and it's refreshing to go back and see how a true master of the genre handled material like this. While it may put off some viewers, the clinical nature of the film is what draws me in the most. Sure, technology has improved and the sets may look outdated for that reason alone, but the underlying fascination with science and problem solving never gets old.

Movie Review - The Keep (1983)

Film buffs usually know of director Michael Mann for two reasons. The first as being the creator of the classic television series Miami Vice and the second because he excelled at giving us some of the grittiest and just flat out awesome crime stories ever committed to film like 1995's Heat. But, if you take an earlier look at his career before all the cops and robbers hoop-lah, you'll come across a caper of a different sort. One that involves demons, spooky contact lenses, and lots of dead Nazis. Believe it or not....Michael Mann made a horror film. Though not as well done as some of his later work, 1983's The Keep is still an interesting attempt at supernatural storytelling.



Set during WWII, the plot has Captain Klaus(Jurgen Prochnow) and the German Wermacht dispatched to a remote village in Romania. The objective is to block the nearby mountain pass from allied forces and keep it under German control. They decide to make camp in an old citadel that overlooks the village despite warnings from the caretaker that no one must stay there. The caretaker gives no explanation as to why, nor does he explain the meaning of the hundreds of silver crosses that adorn the walls of the keep. It's Nazi business as usual until a couple of guards on the night watch decide to steal one of the silver crosses and then all hell breaks loose....



The greedy soldiers are found dead and mutiliated the next day with no evidence left at the scene except for a message carved into the wall in an ancient language that they cannot translate. Klaus's superior officer (Gabriel Byrne) believes it to be resistance from the villagers and has several of them executed. When more people in the camp turn up dead and the German command orders them to hold the fort....they enlist the help of a Jewish historian named Dr. Cuza (Ian Mckellen) and his daughter Eva. Both are awaiting their fates in a concentration camp so they are eager to get out and help solve the riddle of the keep. What they discover could destroy the world with an evil far greater than even Adolf Hitler could imagine. It seems that the keep was not built to ward off attackers....rather it was constructed to imprison a demon named Molasar and keep him from laying waste to mankind. There's also a mysterious stranger (Scott Glenn) who is compelled to travel many miles to reach the keep and confront Molasar. Is he going to join him........or send him back to hell?

Scott Glenn as the stranger...spooky contacts make him mysterious

As far as horror stories go....the set up for this one is excellent. The scenario of the Nazis asking the Jewish characters for help is an ironic twist. Unfortunately you can tell that there was a much bigger story here. I've heard that the original cut clocks in at four hours, but the theatrical run was only about ninety six minutes. It definately shows as there seems to be no build up in the action and things seem to rush to a speedy conclusion. Molasar was a pretty cool villain and the FX were unique at the time. A lot of Nazis were harmed during the making of the keep and you will delight in seeing every one of their heads explode and their bodies being torn asunder. I remember Molasar gracing the cover of Fangoria magazine back in the day and every kid I knew that loved horror films was chomping at the bit to see this one.

Molasar was banned from Heaven for illegal steroid use...



the wrath of Molasar...just another Nazi brick in the wall....

One of the strongest things this film has going for it is the appearance of a younger Ian Mckellen. We all know him now as Magneto....or Gandalf......so this was interesting to see him before he was famous. It's not his best acting job, but due to studio interference, we probably only see part of the whole performance. Another highlight is the music from Tangerine Dream. It gives the film an other-worldly feel that you normally would not get for a story set in WWII.

Ian Mckellen confronting evil with a flashlight and trusting Duracell

For those that are curious enough to investigate... The Keep is worth checking out. The hard part will be finding a copy to own or watch. There is no DVD and a decent VHS copy may cost you a hundred bucks. Who the hell watches VHS anymore???? Lucky for me a good samaritan had the whole film posted on youtube. It's definitely not the preferred method of getting my flick on, but sometimes you have to soldier on and hold the fort.

Today's Crazy Japanese Action Movie - Machine Girl (2008)

Machine Girl -- she's a girl with a machine gun on her arm. It's not a concept that should lose you in its translation to film. At least I hope not, because with a title and cover art like this, I think the filmmakers gave away the entire plot. If they had named it something like "Happy Fun Time School Girl Action" and just put bullet holes through the words, you'd be wondering what the fuck is going on. But no -- they went the spoilery route, so here we are with Machine Girl, a film about a Japanese schoolgirl who loses her arm in fierce, vengeance-minded combat and gets it replaced with a mini-turret. Alrighty then, sign me up for the next 2 hours, please.




Its George Lucas-sized budget is pushed to the limits within the first 3 minutes of the movie, and it's a good thing, because I don't know if heads being ripped apart by machine gun bullets will ever be shown with more realistic detail. The beginning of the movie isn't really the beginning, though, so I'll skip to where the plot actually starts. Her name's Ami Hyuga, and her brother was killed by some schoolyard bullies. The leader is the son of some yakuza dude, and in Ami's road to vengeance she finds this out and goes after the brutal sons of bitches that murdered her dear, sweet half-retarded brother.





In the process, she also finds out that she sucks at fighting yakuza, and gets chained up and her arm chopped by an anime-looking dude with a sword. I think he was the father of the kid who killed her brother, but whatever.




In her post one-limb state, she comes upon the help of a couple who also have an axe to grind with those dirty pirate yakuzas. There's something in the plot about Ami's family being hated for some reason, but I was too busy staring at her sexy stump to file those facts in my memory banks. Anyways, after some reluctance, they help her out by building her a machine gun that apparently doesn't attach to any of her nerve endings, but somehow still fires on command. Whatever, they convinced me because the guy had drawings of it on paper so it must be logical. So they go on about training her to use her miraculous new weapon of mass killing in the hope of taking down said pirate yakuzas. Some more stuff happens and then they get to the final showdown. I don't remember what happened in between, but it probably wasn't pretty. Ah, yes. Some bits are coming back to me now.




So they get to the final showdown, and guess what? Ami triumphs over dirty pirate yakuzas, and the world is full of sunshine and rainbows again. Or something. She wins, I remember that much. Machine Girl is somewhat of a difficult movie for me to recommend. It wears its aspirations on its sleave, or lack thereof -- sometimes to its benefit, but other times to a fault. The gore, provided by the aforementioned Lucas-sized budget, does what it does. Severed heads are puked on like I showed you above, and there's a fuck-ton of blood and guts all over the place. Not to mention there's a generous amount of Ami up-skirts. I sure as shit demanded that be included, so her white-pantied crotch is one thing I checked off my list. Machine Girl is not something I would plan a week in advance to watch, but if you ever find yourself with nothing to do for a couple of hours, pop it in and marvel at the metal spinning titties of this dirty pirate yakuza chick.

And here's a few minutes of the opening for your viewing pleasure:

I watched it in Japanese, but for my purposes, it's more fun this way.

Movie Review - Sexy Beast (2000)

As much as Don Logan would like this movie to be about him, it isn’t. Throughout his persistent buggering, it’s about the frustration of a man who just wants to be left in peace. The writers of this movie crafted a script so full of venom that it’s initially hard to sympathize with anyone involved. But after the shock wears off, you quickly gravitate towards Gary Dove (Ray Winstone), a “retired” thief who’s had enough of the game and lives a secluded life with his wife, Deedee, in their palatial digs somewhere out in the countryside. Life is great until one day, Don Logan appears like a bull in a china shop and fucks it all up. I’ll get to his character in a bit, but his only goal from the get-go is to convince Gary to pull off one more job. Gary says no, and the rest of the movie is about how his life is made a living hell from the constant vitriol spewed by Don in order to get him to cave and go with him.


There’s not a lot of setup -- be it characters, motivations, or anything of that sort. Gary just wants Don Logan (Ben Kingsley) to get the hell out of his life as quick as possible. But that won’t happen unless he agrees to do the job, which involves drilling a hole underneath some place to steal something. What it is, I have no idea. Sexy Beast is not a heist movie, and it doesn’t bother with any details concerning what they’re after. It’s all about the pressure thrust upon Gary to actually do it, and how he handles himself after he declines the offer. I was expecting to write a much longer review, but that’s pretty much everything this movie is about. The only thing I haven’t talked about at length is Don Logan himself. He deserves a novel dedicated to his character, but it looks like he’ll only get a paragraph or two.


Don Logan is a heist man. What kind, we’ll never gather from the film. All we know is that he’s part of the plan, and for the plan to work Gary needs to be in on it. He flies in to visit him and get him to commit to the project. Don is an incessant asshole who doesn’t take bad news very well. Gary’s refusal sends him into fits of rage, and he’s a truly scary person when he’s pissed. I don’t know if I’d be able to say no to anything he asked of me. But Gary does, and it doesn’t sit well. I wish there was more to say, but that’s really all the movie goes into. There’s only a few locations seen, and most of it takes place in Gary’s home while Don berates him over and over. Speaking of Gary, Ray Winstone turns a character that could easily have been played with little effort into the heart of the movie. I really felt for the guy, and I wanted Don to get the fuck out just as much as he did. For fans of the HBO series Deadwood, Ian McShane makes an appearance in the film, and while he's not a huge part of the story, his scenes are great and he turns in a performace of the calibur you'd expect from him.



Ben Kingsley gives one of those performances that really makes me wish he would do more serious acting. Lately, he’s been in a lot of shit movies, and it’s really sad to watch his career unfold in the manner it has. Bloodrayne? Really? He couldn’t have been paid that much for phoning it in from the airport on the way to the set. I will say that it hasn’t all been horrible of late, though. You Kill Me and Transsiberian are both worthy films that almost allow him to wash the stain of Uwe Boll from his resume. Almost. Once you’ve been in one of his films, it’s pretty much going to haunt you until you die or have radical facial surgery and change your name. Regardless, Don Logan is a character that will endure the test of time and come back twenty years from now to spit in the face of whoever decides to watch him. Nothing I could say would do justice to his douche bagginess, so I’ll end with just a taste of what’s in store when you watch this movie.

I want a Swamp Thing remake dammit!

The re-boot....it's a popular trend in Hollywood these days. The Batman franchise got one....Superman got one...hell...even the Hulk got a new kick start only a few years removed from his first big screen outing. So why no love for my beloved Swamp Thing? Second tier heroes like Iron Man are also getting the hundred million dollar movie treatment. If Iron Man came to the bayou to fight Swamp Thing....he'd just get stuck in the mud and his balls would rust. Wolverine has a new flick soon to be slashing up movie tickets near you....and if that adamantium plated meathead tried to cut off Swamp's arm...he could just re attach it...or instantly grow a new one. He's pretty much the coolest super hero ever.....period.

For those not in the know......the Swamp Thing comic was created in 1972 by Len Wein.....and has continued off and on for several decades. At one point, writer Alan Moore (of Watchmen fame) took the reins for a spell and wrote some of my very favorite storylines for the character. The book follows Alec Holland..brilliant scientist who is transformed by his own experiments into the Swamp Thing. The series has him fighting evil and seeking to regain his human form. He doesn't have any type of special body armor. Nor does he speed around town on a nifty tricked out motorcycle. Hell...he doesn't even have a costume. He's just a big pile of living, muddy, mossy, shit. The Swamp Thing has super human strength coupled with the ability to communicate and control the world's vegetation, but the neatest thing going for him is that there are these swamp potatoes growing on his body that you can eat......and get really high. Totally organic swampy psychedelic bliss baby.

pass the potatoes please.....

Can you just imagine a new movie version of Swamp Thing made with today's special effects? He could be fighting a desperate battle against whatever evil nemesis the screenwriters throw at him...then all of the sudden it seems like he's going to lose.......he quickly shoves a power potato down the bad guy's throat and all is right in the world. No other super hero in comics or film has this ace up their sleeves! I usually favor practical FX over CG these days....but seeing a swamp trip done proper on film would justify the use of a computer.

in-a-gadda-da-vida-honey!

For now, all us fans of the mean green plant machine have is a low budget effort from 1981. I think they had their hearts in the right places getting Wes Craven to direct. This was pre Elm Street, but he was fresh off the success of Last House on the Left and Hills Have Eyes so it was the right choice when considering the dark nature of the comic books. Fans of Adrienne Barbeau can rejoice. She takes center stage as a feisty action heroine sporting excellent cleavage and an 80's curly afro. Actor Louis Jourdan (he was the Bond villain in Octopussy) holds his own as the immortality seeking Dr. Arcane. Sadly, the titular character played by stuntman Dick Durrock leaves something to be desired. It's not that he does such a bad acting job....you can just tell that he's wearing a silly rubber outfit that wrinkles every time he moves. Not a good idea for such an action heavy film. At one point during a chaotic scene, there's a hole in the suit and you can see the guy's blue jeans underneath for a second....unacceptable! When Arcane transforms into a monster in the end and the two titans battle....it's no better. I couldn't even find a picture of this terrible creature creation to post, but let's just say Arcane looks like something from a bad episode of Power Rangers. I read that they spent three million dollars on this film and you can tell it was not on the costumes.

the 1982 film poster showed promise...

Dick Durrock as Rubber Suit Thing did not....

Hollywood continues to produce new Spiderman and Fantastic Four sequels every year (same shit...different summer), but hopefully one day a major studio will get their head out of their ass and give the swamp devil his due. Swamp Thing's material is very unique and in the right hands with the right budget.....we could get one hell of a super hero romp. Hey......I can dream can't I?

My take on the whole Watchmen/Fox ass-fuckathon.

With the news of Fox and Warner Bros. reaching a settlement that could probably fund my retirement 40 years early, I'd like to take a moment to explain why I think Fox can have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up.

First of all, they've had the license for this goddamn property for a long, long time. If they were going to make a move before my unborn grandchild bites the dust, they were sure taking their sweet time with it. I'm sure a lot of studios have projects that get shelved for a number of years, but this is fucking ridiculous. On the flip side, I guess we can all be thankful they didn't turn it into a shitty Saturday morning cartoon to air alongside their X-Men show(which I like a lot, but Watchmen would have blown shit). Still, the relief that comes from knowing something great wasn't turned to ass doesn't change the fact they COULD have made it great. Wolverine sure looks great, though. Good job on that, Fox, because everyone worth a shit knows X-Men: Last Stand was stellar.


As far as the legal issues are concerned, yes, Warner Bros. had to know this was coming. They didn't have any right to make this movie, and being a money-grubbing, artistic black hole of a studio, Fox saw their free ride gravy train pulling up right on time with a big blue man riding shotgun. Obviously, this could have turned out to be shitty for everyone, but did you honestly think Fox wanted to outright stop the production and release of Watchmen? What money was there to make in that? If the movie never came out, they wouldn't be able to get a huge settlement for doing nothing, while someone(probably low on the totem pole at Fox) wondered at what point he thought it was a good idea to join a company with the temperment of Ebenezer Scrooge and the output of a past-his-prime Uwe Boll. But hey, Wolverine is doing some re-shoots, so that must mean they're taking it seriously. Strange timing, don't you think? Fox gets some inheritance cash and Hugh Jackman gets to do some more acting. Hmm....


I'm not bagging on Wolverine for any particular reason, mind you. It's just the only thing I can think of that's being released by that crap hole of a company. I hope it's a good movie, and Hugh Jackman is bad ass as Logan. They even made a great pick for Sabretooth, so that's two points for them. Subtract 1000 points for being lazy bastards with their hands out, and their final score is, like, way negative. Math isn't my strong suit, but it sure is theirs.

Does Heath Ledger's Joker deserve the last laugh?

On the one year anniversary of his passing....Heath Ledger is nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of the joker. Let me be the first to say that I thought he was a great talent with a body of work that started with teeny bopper crap and ended with more meaty roles worthy of his promise as an actor. I do however feel that we shouldn't give him the golden dude just because he's dead....especially when there are other actors on the nominee list whose careers could benefit by winning the best supporting actor nod.


Consider Robert Downey Jr. for a moment. Here is a guy that has fought his own personal battle with drugs and alcohol and lived to tell the tale. His rise back to the creme of the acting crop is feature film worthy itself. Yes, the extreme method actor Kirk Lazarus that he plays in "Tropic Thunder" is ridiculous, but is it more so than a guy playing a comic book character with green hair and messy clown make up?

Downey Jr. as Kirk Lazarus playing Sgt. Lincoln Osiris

Or what about Josh Brolin? His performance as Dan White in "Milk" gives us an interesting glimpse of the man who in the 70's assassinated gay rights activist Harvey Milk. Surely this insight into a piece of history that many people were perhaps not aware of should be considered when deciding.

Brolin and Sean Penn in "Milk"

In the end, I just don't want it to be a sympathy win for Heath. I want the academy to truly feel that it was the performance of a disturbing anarchist on the screen in "Dark Knight" that takes the statue. If they decide the Joker is better than a white guy playing a black guy....or someone playing a historical figure then I'm ok with that. Rest in peace Heath. (comments very welcome)

The best of 80's fantasy pt. 3- Dragonslayer (1981)

Why is it that Hollywood can seldom get dragons right? They try......and for the most part....fail miserably. I do give some credit to 2002's "Reign of Fire" which shows the fantastical creatures as they should be....mean....nasty....killers. I don't want to see movies about charming dragons that love people and are voiced by Sean Connery...or Rachel Weisz. I want to see the mother of all badass fantasy monsters turning peasants into charred remains with fire and tearing them apart with unholy brute strength. It's sad....but dragon lovers prayers have not been answered since 1981's "Dragonslayer." It's a tale of an ancient terror named Vermithrax....she's a grumpy old bitch so vicious that people maim themselves just to get away from her. She's here to slay.....or be slayed.

The plot has a band of desperate villagers led by a young man named Valerian seeking out the last known sorcerer Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Ralph Richardson). He alone is their only chance to rid the land of the last and oldest dragon. For many decades the kingdom of Urland has been ravaged by Vermithrax and twice a year they offer her virgin daughters chosen by lottery to avoid her wrath. Ulrich is old, but seems to be up to the challenge. The only problem is that King Casiodorus doesn't like this plan and dispatches the captain of his guard Tyrian (John Hallum) to test the old man to see what power...if any...he really has. It's Tyrian's blade vs Ulrich's sorcery....but alas....everyone knows you never bring a wizard to a knife fight and Ulrich is mortally wounded. With Ulrich dead....the villagers have no hope for the future. Enter Galen Bradwarden (Peter Macnicol)....the young sorcerer's apprentice who takes it upon himself to challenge the dragon and the corrupt government of Urland. The task is mighty and only the power of a mystical amulet that he is too inexperienced to use can help him.

The characters in this film are great.....there are plot twists galore (especially when Valerian's true colors are revealed)....and we begin to wonder if Galen actually stands a chance against the villainous Tyrian....not to mention the dragon. Keep a lookout for an early movie appearance from Ian McDiarmid. You might know him as the Emperor Palpatine in the "Star Wars" prequels. Here he has a bit part as a priest that stands against the dragon with nothing but his faith in God to help him. (spoiler...the force is not with him) At first Galen seems like a real whiney shit....but give him time....he eventually rises to the occasion and when his magic fails him...he takes on Vermithrax with one of the most awesome movie weapons ever...the Sicarious Dracorum. (roughly translated....the dragonslayer)

Forging the Sicarious Dracorum AKA the badass spear

The FX were done by ILM and still hold up pretty well in my opinion. They kind of take the "Jaws" approach and don't show you the monster until much later in the story. It works to build suspense and you'll really appreciate it when Vermithrax is finally revealed. I should also mention that this film was co-produced by Disney, but don't be fooled by the PG rating. "Dragonslayer" is dark and bloody as hell....it would definately get a PG-13 today...if not R. Vermithrax must have scared the crap out of movie makers because celluloid dragons have pretty much been pussies ever since.

"flame on" Vermithrax is ready to cook thy nuts...

The best of 80's fantasy part 2 - The Beastmaster (1982)

Yet another classic from my youthful days...whenever this film came on cable...it was like the call of the mythological sirens luring me to my brainless doom. This film flopped at the box office, but had a huge impact on television. TBS aired the film so often that it was dubbed "The Beastmaster channel." Never again in the future of fantasy films will a guy with a sword and a bag of ferrets be so friggin cool!

Directed by Don Coscarelli... (horror buffs know him as the man responsible for the "Phantasm" film series)....it's the tale of Dar (Marc Singer from V the classic alien invasion series) who as an unborn infant...was magically teleported into a cow's uterus by a witch. The plan was to sacrifice Dar so that his father King Zed would have no heir...and the evil priest Maax (pronounced may-axe..and played by Rip Torn) could take power with his ultimate cult of evil. (I guess kings never had secret service protection back in the day) Dar is saved however....and taken in by a bunch of kind villagers. Sounds like the typical fantasy crap right?....Ah....but the plot thickens.

You see...because he was born from a cow's womb...Dar grows up and finds out that he can communicate with all creatures in the animal kingdom telepathically....it doesn't make any sense...but come on...it's fantasy! After years of living peacefully, Dar's village is attacked and destroyed by a race of barbarians known as the Jun-Horde...that wouldn't you know...is controlled by Maax. Dar survives the massacre because the movie would just end if he didn't...and sets out on a quest for revenge and possibly a reclamation of his birth right.

Along the way he befriends a hawk, a couple of ferrets, and a black dyed tiger. Each of them contribute to the smiting of evil. The hawk can scout out miles ahead....and he can link up and see through its eyes. The ferrets can sneak around and steal keys from clueless guards...and the tiger can kill, eat, and shit out on a log anybody dumb enough to fuck with a tiger.

He meets some human allies as well.....the warrior Seth (John Amos from Good Times) and his young friend Tal (nobody special)...who happens to have some family ties with Dar. Throw in sexy red headed Kiri (Tanya Roberts..from that 70's show) who knows how to break into Maax's castle....and you have a youself a nice little fantasy fondue.

This movie had this kind of dark cool vibe to it. Rip Torn was a menacing villain.....there were witches that could walk up walls and turn dudes into evil leather clad S&M zombies by shoving glow worms in their ears. Our heroes also had to deal with the barbarian Jun army and these strange winged monsters who could snare a person...eat them...and crap them out into green foam. All worthy adversaries for Dar to go up against.

Marc Singer does the job well as Dar. He buffed up for the part and has cool 80's feathered hair. Along with his trusty sword and animal companions...he also has this razor boomerang thingy that he tosses around and causes mayhem with....I always wanted one...but they never had them at K-mart.

"The Beastmaster" rises to the cream of the fantasy crop. Easily one of my favorites that I enjoy even as an adult. Don't stick this one in a cow's womb and sacrafice it to your evil diety of choice...it's surprisingly good fantasy fluff!

Understanding the Icons: Contemporary American Film

I've spent a lot of time on this site talking about foreign films. I've waxed poetic on German, Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Spanish films, with, if memory serves, only two American offerings. However, if you read my Gran Torino review, I think you could see my deep appreciation for the American Icon. And by writing this, I want to expand on the idea that American film has carved itself a huge piece of cinema history.


Let me start by describing one of the reasons our films have hit such a nerve with people all over the world. If you ever travel abroad, there might be a situation where you're talking shop with a film lover of another country. You might start by mentioning local directors, or what's hot at the moment. But as the conversation progresses, you find yourself digging into movies where you don't even have to mention their names to get a tremendous response from them. You might say something like, "Have you ever seen any of the Rambo..." "Ah, Rambo!" would be the response from the man of foreign persuasion, before you were even allowed to finish your sentence. He would then make a knife-jabbing motion with his hands, smile with that shit-eating grin that only someone who's seen something way too many times could make, and then give you the thumbs up. Good times.


That's what I mean when I say the American Icon. The actors or characters that don't need an introduction, no matter where you happen to be. The movies that, after you finished watching them as a kid, you would immediately head to the back yard to re-enact your favorite scenes, yelling and screaming while running back and forth with a stick or a piece of plastic as a substitute for whatever the famous weapon of choice might have been. This is what I point to when film snobs tell me American movies suck, and I'm not cultured enough to appreciate the finer things in life. Fuck you, my friend, where have you been for the last 30 years?


And with that sentiment laid out on the table, I'd like to present my case for understanding the great American Icons of the last few decades, and why they're still relevant today. I'll start moving forward chronologically, so as not to disturb the memories any of these characters or movies might hold for whoever decides to read this. I'd also like you to make note that you've probably already seen all of the movies I'm going to bring up. Otherwise, there's no point in writing this, and I can go back to watching my Ingmar Bergman box set, thank you very much. And if I miss something, it's not a slight, unless you bring up a movie so obscure or out-dated that Clint would happily tell you to get off his lawn.

Dirty Harry

Harry Callahan made being a loose cannon of a cop cool. The way he walked around with his shades on, telling people to make his day before blowing a hole in their chest will always hold a place in the hall of greatness. Say what you will about the sequels, but as a persona, Dirty Harry embodied the American bad-ass for over a decade. Personally, I hold the Dollars trilogy in the same high regard, but as a whole I'm guessing Harry Callahan holds a bigger place in peoples' hearts. Regardless, the films are classics, and nobody will tell you any different.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones was my hero for a long time, and he still is. Harrison Ford oozed charisma every time he moved or spoke, and he almost made me take up archaeology. If, in reality, that profession was the same as an Indiana Jones movie, there would be a lot more archaeologists, and the world would be a lot more awesome. By day he would fight the Nazis and take all their shit, and at night he would bed the women I lusted after. Yes, I wished I was Indy, but who wouldn't? They jumped the shark with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but I blame that on the good ol' Lucas Curse, and not the character becoming stale. Seriously, fuck George Lucas. But that's a tale for another day. Right now, I simply can't tell you how much of an influence Harrison Ford had on every other high adventure film to be made after 1981.

First Blood

John Rambo was a loner, a survivor, and a distraught human being. I greatly sympathized with him as the po-dunk police parade tried to shit on his homecoming party. However, that was alleviated when he drove spikes through the knees of one of those assholes. He had it coming. Of the movies I've mentioned so far, this is by far the most serious. But it handles itself with class, and still holds up as one of the greatest action movies ever made. I really wish Stallone would have made more out of his career with more than just Rambo and Rocky, but as of late he's redeeming himself with damn fine resurgences of both franchises. Not much else to say about Rambo, except that I wear a bandana to sleep every night.

The Terminator

Much more could be said of Arnold Schwarzenegger's career, but to me, his defining moments are still encapsulated in the T-800 model terminator. In the original movie, he was the stuff of nightmares. His glowing red eyes would haunt my dreams for years, and I thanked God I was not the mother of the leader of the resistance meant to combat a robot apocalypse. In the sequel, he was the greatest ally you will ever know, as long as you gave him your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle. His strength and loyalty would never be broken, and the human race always stood a chance as long as he was around. Many would try to duplicate his on-screen badassery, including the third Terminator movie, but they all ultimately fail, and bow down to the greatness that is James Cameron's vision of our possible future.



There are more to speak of, for sure, but I think I've made my case for the American Icon thus far. People will be quoting lines from these movies until the end of time, and I'll take this opportunity to pride myself in being born in the country where these epic tales originated. That's all I have, and I can think of nothing more apropos than to end with the truth: I'll be back.