An old Denver tradition...

I always hear about how "The Alamo Drafthouse" in Austin Texas is the greatest place to see a movie in the world. It has a rabid fanbase that caters to almost everything a film-geek could ever want. Admittedly I'm a little jealous, but we've got something pretty awesome here in the rockies for the celluloid faithful. "The Mayan"!

Located in central Denver, "The Mayan" boasts the finest offerings in independent film. It's not the most comfortable way to see a movie. The local mega-plex offers ample parking and those big comfy stadium chairs, but there is a certain magic that happens once you fight the traffic and make the effort a trip to "The Mayan" requires. The lights go dark and you realize you are about to watch an unusual film in a theater full of like minded film buffs. Bliss!

Originally built in the 1930's, it has one main auditorium sporting the Art Deco Mayan Revival art style it was named after and two smaller theaters on the second floor. You can enjoy an adult beverage in the cafe, or go visit one of the many neighboring bars and restaurants afterwards. The entire street it's located on is chock full of interesting vintage clothing stores and art galleries to get your culture on. "The Mayan" also has something "The Drafthouse" does not....it has remained in the original building since opening decades ago which only adds to the cool factor. Suddenly I realize...I'm not so jealous anymore!

Movie Review - Contempt (1963)

"'The cinema,' said André Bazin, 'substitutes for our gaze a world more in harmony with our desires.' Contempt is a story of that world."

This quote is recited to us during the opening of Contempt, a film by the oft-heralded Jean-luc Godard. We are meant to be shown an intertwining of reality and what we wish was real. If wishes were in the business of coming to life, this would be a great work of biting criticism of writers, film itself, and the way we interact with each other. In reality, I don't know what the fuck I just watched.


I'll be up front with the fact I didn't make it to the end of this film. The events that transpire in the last 20 minutes will never be known to me, unless I decide to masochistically view it for the sake of my readership. What I can comment on, however, is the hour and twenty minutes I had the privilege of yawning through watching. I understand the concept of blending fact and fiction. I get that sometimes the best way to illustrate a point is to use a film as a giant metaphor. Other movies have done this much better. But the characters in this film are bi-polar. I could never tell what parts of their dialogue were fact and what was meant to make a larger point.


During one scene that starts off normal enough, the couple who Godard tries to pass off as the main characters in the film are talking on a boat. A few seconds go by, and then we see the camera filming them. We see the set, complete with a director, assistants and film equipment. It's all well and good if I understand what Godard's going for, but I don't know if I'm watching the actors in the film play themselves acting in this movie, or I'm supposed to think their life is the movie. Or something. At this point, the film makes no fucking sense and I just don't give a shit anymore. If Godard really wanted to condemn the film industry for not having the creative balls to make high art, then way to go, jackass. You made a shitty high art film that makes me want to watch The Mummy Returns instead.

This is the scene where Brigitte Bardot wonders where the fuck her movie went.

Requiring the audience to work to understand the full meaning of your film is a noble cause. Making fun of them for doing so isn't. It's Godard's version of pretentiousness that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and if I didn't know better, a distorted view of French New Wave. But before you lambaste me for not understanding French cinema, I should point out that I watch a lot of fucking movies. Louis Malle's body of work is loads more interesting than anything Godard could muster, and Malle's films have more depth and meaning without resorting to mind-fuckery to express it. There's a world of difference betwen the two, and I prefer an intelligent, well thought out script over a director playing peek-a-boo with whoever's unlucky enough to get stuck in a theater showing his blight on society.


And you should know that I didn't write this review. I only played the part of the reviewer who had to waste a whole night throwing up in his mouth while watching Godard take a shit on his fans. Skip this movie unless you just want to see Brigitte Bardot's naked ass a lot. That might sound tempting, but trust me, it's not worth the effort. Here, I just saved you two hours.

Movie Review - My Bodyguard (1980)

Call it a right of passage...at some point in a kid's life..they will inevitably deal with the school yard bully. It can be one of the most terrible times during youthful years...if you tell a teacher...you get beat worse...if you tell your parents...they tell the teacher...you get beat worse...! Thou shalt not tell on thy fellow peer is the LAW of the playground and cannot be broken lest ye be labled with the dreaded monicker of tatty-tale! More often than not...a kid has to deal with sleepless nights and that ever looming Monday morning smackdown that is just the beginning of another long week in the trenches. But, there will come a time when a kid has to make a choice.....they can sit there and take it...or do something about it...one of those decisions will shape their personalities forever and echo into adulthood. I made that choice once years ago..I'm sure my kids will too one day. This is a film about the choice made by Clifford Peache.

Clifford is the new kid in town and comes from a privileged background. His father is the manager of a posh Hotel in downtown Chicago and they live a good life. Cliffy has a great relationship with his family..especially his eccentric grandmother played by the late great Ruth Gordon. He's not an asshole rich kid, but rather just a nice guy trying to fit in and make friends at his new high school.

All goes well on his first day until he crosses paths with Melvin Moody (a young Matt Dillon) and his gang of loyal cronies. Moody is king shit of the school and everyone knows that to walk the halls unscathed...you pay him protection money. Protection from what exactly? From Moody of course, but he tells everyone that he is protecting their asses from Ricky Linderman (Firefly's Adam Baldwin) an oversized teen who roams the school alone and possibly carries a murderous chip on his shoulder. What is poor Cliffy to do...? Pay Moody extortion...or risk meeting Linderman in a dark alley somewhere? The choice is brilliant.

Cliffy knows that the whole school..including Moody...is mortified of Linderman. Instead of paying moody...he decides to befriend Linderman and offer to pay him to be his bodyguard. The only problem with this plan is that Ricky doesn't want any friends..nor does he want to be someone's bodyguard. Cliffy warms him over though his sheer will and perserverance...and they strike up a great friendship as well as striking back at Moody's gang. The twist comes when Moody decides to retaliate and get his own bodyguard to go after Linderman!! Now what?!!!

This sets up an epic showdown of Rocky-esque proportions that will have you cheering in the end.

All in all this is a great family film from the 80's. It's an underdog's tale...and it's hard to not root for Cliffy and Ricky as they team up and triumph over adversity. It's a film about family...friends...and that time in a person's life when it's OK to choose to fight. Oh yeah..what choice did I make?.....I beat the shit out of my school yard bully with a wooden stick..and do I feel bad about it..?...Not a damn bit!

Movie Review - The Foul King (2000)

Wrestling. It's not high-minded, folks. Kim Ji-woon, the director of practically everything awesome to come out of South Korea in the last ten years, knows this. He didn't set out to create a genre masterpiece showcasing the incredible athleticism of professional wrestlers. Instead, he wanted to show how one man, through sheer determination and will, could wear tights in a public place and grope grown men in intimate embraces for the love of the sport.


Dae-Ho(Song Kang-ho) is pretty much a big fucking loser. He works some shitty office job that he's always late for, he lives with his dad, and he's generally just not a good people person. After we watch him get kicked around by everyone for a while, he stumbles across a crap hole of a wrestling gym. Inside the gym looks to be a crap hole of a wrestling coach, who promptly boots him out. The coach doesn't like him, but afterward he's told by some shady characters that they need a wrestler, and all of a sudden Dae-Ho becomes part of their wrestling team or whatever.

They all suck at wrestling if you ask me, but I guess there aren't too many people in Korea willing to drive around the country getting the shit kicked out of them. It's minor league, so I'll give them a break. Dae-Ho travels around with them doing show after show, and he thinks everything is great. He wrestles at night, and in the morning continues to suck ass at his job. But he's so focused on wrestling he doesn't seem to care anymore. So everything is great, I guess, except that all the shows are leading up to one super giant fuck awesome show where Dae-Ho is supposed to lose. I understand wrestling is fake, and the outcomes are all staged, thank you. But the way his character was pitched to him, Dae-Ho should win by cheating. I don't care how big a name the dude he's supposed to eventually fight is -- if you cheat in wrestling, you win. I mean just look at the refs, they're usually too busy humping the floor to notice whole teams of wrestlers entering the ring to pound each other in the balls.


Anyways, we're treated to a lot of Dae-Ho and his comrades in non-buff arms practicing and rehearsing their moves. His progression as a wrestler is quite evident, even though I think he was better than the rest of the group to begin with. Except for when he almost murdered a man with a fork. That could have been handled better. Besides that, though, you almost think he could win. You get the feeling it's not supposed to happen, but hey, you're watching a Korean wrestling movie so what the fuck do you know?


I can tell you that Song Kang-ho knows more than you, for one. In fact, he does all his own stunts. Every single one, and they're all awesome. For example, there's a great scene where he's impersonating Elvis and he does a back flip off the top buckle then kicks a guy in the chest.

That's probably the best bit of stunt work he does until the end, but I still think it's cool that he does it all himself.

Early on in the film, Dae-Ho gets chased down and beat to hell by some local pussy gang. You know they're a pussy gang because once Dae-Ho learns a few wrestling moves, he swiftly puts them all in an arm lock and makes them eat shit. Not literally, unfortunately, but still a lot of the movie is about Dae-Ho improving his life, and repaying those fuckers that broke his cell phone is one way he goes about it. As he gets into better and better shape, he's able to confront some other demons that haunt him on a regular basis, but I'll save those for when you watch the film. It's great, trust me.


As far as his opposition goes, you never even catch a glimpse of him until the end, and he's only casually mentioned throughout the entire film. You know his name is Yu Bee-ho, but that's about it. It's not like Rocky, where there is a clear antagonist to hate. In The Foul King, Dae-Ho's greatest enemy is himself. Maybe that's to fool you into thinking that Yu Bee-ho is just some pansy that Dae-Ho could wipe the floor with. Maybe not. Maybe Dae-Ho becomes the greatest Korean wrestler in the history of Korean wrestling. Maybe not. The end of the movie is quite lengthy(in a good way) but I won't say one word about it.

He does get pissed at this point.

The greatest thing about this film is not the wrestling. It's a film about slightly dysfunctional people that happens to have some bad ass wrestling thrown in for good measure. Every time something genuinely cool happens, it takes you by suprise because most of the time the people on display here are quite inept. And I mean inept in the Homer Simpson way, so it's endearing. Once you've spent any amount of time with these characters, you want to see them succeed. Or, if nothing else, you just want to see what the fuck Yu Bee-ho looks like. Either way, the point is for you to watch this film, so if you watch only one South Korean wrestling movie this whole year, make sure it's this one.

Movie Review - The Legend of Hell House (1973)

I have always loved a good haunted house movie. Ever since "Poltergeist" made me squirt in my fruit of the looms at the local twin cinema...I was hooked. These days I can't think of a recent ghost film that requires me to launder my shorts afterwards...with extra bleach. In a day and age when terrible CG seems to dominate over story or character..(did you see Jan De Bont's gaaawwd awwful Haunting re-make?...ugh) it's nice to know that we can still make the hairs tingle on the backs of our necks with a spookfest like 1973's "The Legend of Hell House" starring Roddy McDowall.

British director John Hough had to have been one of the most versatile directors working in the 70's and 80's. He worked with Disney making such child friendly fare as "Escape to Witch Mountain"...and "Watcher in the Woods", but he could also rev up a high octane car chase movie like 1974's "Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry" arguably the best in the car chase genre. Sadly his career hasn't really panned out over the years...he ventured into sci-fi with the 1986 "Biggles: Adventures in Time" and direct to video crap like 1988's "Howling IV." Then he fell completely off the map. Maybe he's retired and living a happy life somewhere..and that's fine because I'll always know he was the man responsible for films that I hold near and dear to my heart and "The Legend of Hell House" is certainly one of those films.

Roddy McDowall plays a psychic sent with a team of paranormal investigators to the Belasco Mansion which as they say in the film is "the Mount Everest of Haunted Houses." Roddy's character was the sole survivor of the last team sent to investigate the ghostly shenanigans of former owner Emeric Belasco whose evil spirit wreaks havoc upon all who dare cross the threshold of his estate. I guess the opportunity for a huge payday is too tempting..and Roddy is back at the house for his second round with the sinister spectre.

Character wise you have the scientist who thinks that there simply must be a logical explanation for the unusual happenings at the mansion. There's a spiritualist who thinks she can help restless ghosts finally cross over into eternal slumber. Finally, the scientist's wife is tagging along just for shits and giggles...and you know nothing good will happen to her! Roddy is THE star of the show. He's the one who knows that the bodies AND souls of his teamates are in serious peril unless he can unlock the mysteries of Hell House and vanquish Belasco.

Earlier I spoke of fancy special effects. Here you will find that the filmakers have a few tricks up their sleeves (like a dinner scene rudely interrupted by an unwelcome spirit), but for the most part...it's a pretty conservative effort. They wisely chose to let the actors carry the story and the viewer's imagination can fill in the blanks. I always found that not knowing exactly what was under my bed at night as a child...was scarier than actually taking a look!

In the end, "Hell House" is a great little flick that is deserving of your time on a dark and stormy night. They don't make em like this anymore...2002's "Darkness" comes close....but that's a tale of fright for another day....enjoy!

Movie Review - Dirty Pretty Things (2002)

I'm not an immigrant. I was born in America, and I've only been out of the country twice. My view of the world has always been in the context that I'm a citizen of the United States of America. I have a home that I have the legal right to own. I have a job that the government takes money out of my paycheck every week to pay my taxes with. This is important, because whatever your situation is, I urge you to go into this movie in with a frame of mind that allows you to realize your place in the world. What if you had none? How would you like to work in a sweatshop? Would you still consider yourself a moral person and act accordingly?

I imagine it's like this in every major metropolitan city, but according to this film, being an immigrant in London- legal or illegal - is a hard way of life. Without becoming a proper citizen, the best you could hope for is a steady menial job that pays cash. There are all kinds of people that populate this world -- some have principles, some don't. Okwe (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and Senay (Audrey Tautou) do. Sure, they clean up your shit(or internal organs) and fold your towels, but they don't seem to have any contempt for anyone or loathe the world they live in. it's obvious Okwe gets frustrated at times, but who wouldn't? He works -- if I'm remembering all of them -- two jobs. During the day he drives a taxi under a fake name, and at night he works the front desk for a ritzy hotel's midnight shift -- the same hotel where Senay labors as a maid.


It's not detailed in the film, but one would assume they met each other while on duty, and at some point decided to live together. Now, I don't know how immigration laws function in England, but for whatever reason, Senay is able to live there but not work. Okwe, on the other hand, isn't even supposed to be there. He's like a ghost, without an identity or any sense of belonging. His presence leads immigration to frequent Senay's apartment on reports that someone else is living with her, which understandably puts a strain on both of them.


Things start turning from bad to shit-end of the turd stick when Okwe has to clean a hotel suite one night, and in doing so, finds a human heart plugged up in the toilet. Why the fuck would there be a human heart in the toilet? That's a good question, but no one has the answer. Until he does a little digging, that is. What he finds will significantly change the way both he and Senay are able to live their lives. Suffice it to say that it includes sleeping in a morgue, organ "donating," and dick biting.


What makes the film so moving is that despite everything happening to them, Okwe and Senay still find enough compassion to see each other through the shitstorm that is their lives. If it were me, I probably would have said fuck it and dissapeared at the first sign of danger. Not that I'm a selfish prick or anything, but I just think it takes a certain kind of person to face adversity head on and try to kick its ass. Those are the kind of people you root for in this film, and they are its defining quality.


I'll never look at a cab driver the same way again.







And for my next review, I'll remove my serious face and tackle The Foul King. It's the greatest thing you've never seen.

WHAT THE HELL IS GREEN PEOPLE SOUP?

Unless you are a hardcore , low life, couch potato movie junkie like myself...you probably will not get the reference. But if you are...then sit back, relax, and take in all great things GREEN PEOPLE SOUP. It's all about the cinema that I have come to cherish over the years...not just the good..but...the bad and the ugly as well. I can praise the genius of Orson Welles and Citizen Kane's use of ground breaking camera techniques...but I will also bow down to the awesome alter of Megaforce!...Perhaps I may rant about how nobody went to see David Fincher's Zodiac (and shame on you if you did not) or I just may be pissed off about why I can't find a copy of the Sword and the Sorcerer on DVD...you just never know what ingredients will be tossed in for your reading pleasure. Now let me pour you a steaming bowl....cause soups on!!